Her First Love
by freakybella
Summary: Edward befriends two girls, one who was in love with him, the other he was in love with. He never forgives himself for how things happened, and years later when one dies, he feels he must fix things once and for all. Drugs, Alcohol, future lemons. ExB
1. The Obituary

**This story has been brewing around in my head for a while. It has drug and alcohol use, dark themes and angst, but there will be a happy ending, eventually. **

**Summary: As a teenager, Edward was a user. He befriended two girls, one who was in love with him, the other he was in love with. One day everything fell apart and he was sent away never talking to either of them again. Years later, one of them dies, and he feels it is finally time to ask the other for forgiveness for breaking her heart. **

**Please read and review. **

Chapter 1: The Obituary

Edward POV

It's been fifteen years, three months, and twenty days since I've used drugs. What sounds like a lifetime, actually feels like yesterday. Back when I was using at the tender age of fourteen, never did I dream that things would happen the way they did.

My mother tried her best to get me to see that I was on the path to nowhere. She knew I was using. She didn't know how much, but she knew by my mood swings and the constant need to be left alone. Persistently she threatened me that if I didn't stop, she was sending me to rehab.

The first time she found a joint hidden in the bottom of my closet in a shoebox, she totally freaked out. "Marijuana is just a stepping stone to the next level. Next you'll being using pills, after that you move up to coke and only God knows what that will lead to."

She had no idea that I had already followed the steps and had used everything she had mentioned and more. That joint was just a small pebble in the walkway I was following and if she had dug deeper, there wasn't much telling what she would have found.

My father was nowhere around. My parents fought daily, screaming and hollering at each other while my sister and I had a front row seat. They finally divorced leaving my sister and me with my mother while he remarried and started another family. He was a great role model. When it gets tough, run.

My mother never remarried and while she wasn't exactly bitter about the divorce, she wasn't thrilled either. He had left her for a younger woman see and that really puts the sting in things. I thought it was pretty shitty myself, so I sided with my mom and spent as little time with him as I could.

My sister on the other hand, was a daddy's girl. _Fucking traitor_. Most of my life we fought like cats and dogs, and this would start a fight quicker than anything. She kept saying that she wasn't taking sides, but in all my youthful wisdom, I thought she was a complete bitch.

That wasn't all we fought about. She hated the way I dressed, telling me I looked like a slob and my appearance reflected on her. She hated my friends, even thought I didn't have very many. Not only were they from the wrong crowd, but they just didn't act right. Nothing I did at school or at home was up to her standards and she let me know regularly.

So I was in a broken home with a bitter mother and a bitch of a sister. No wonder I turned to drugs. Or that was the excuse I told myself. When I was using, what they said didn't matter. What happened didn't matter.

Then Bella came along. She was shy and timid, never looking into my eyes for more than a split second when she would even look my way. We sat across from each other in 8th grade English, while I spent most of my time sleeping or daydreaming, she was actually paying attention.

She was an enigma to me. All the other girls were worried about their clothes, whether they matched or were the right style, worried about their hair, whether it was big enough, the right color or cut, and whether or not the cool guys were looking their way.

But not Bella. She wasn't concerned about the latest fashion or the current style of haircut. The last thing she was worried about was if guys were checking her out or not, because she spent most of her time trying to blend in so that she wouldn't be noticed.

Everyday in class, she would take notes paying close attention. If the teacher was about to call on me to ask me a question, she would throw something at me to wake me up or poke me, then graciously she would give me the answer.

At first, I thought she was just being nice and it surprised me because she never talked to anyone. She seemed as much as hermit as me never wanting to draw attention to herself in anyway.

Then one day when she thought I wasn't paying attention, I caught her doodling. In the middle of all her swirls and hearts and stars was my name. Edward Cullen.

The thought petrified me that a girl would be thinking about me. I had no interest in girls at all. Between how my mother and sister acted, anyone of the female persuasion I considered my enemy and wanted no contact with them whatsoever.

She never said anything to me about it at all. There were only a few times that I caught her doing it, and she tried her best to hide it, so for her sake and mine, I never mentioned it.

Midway through the year, there was a transfer of a new student to our class. Her name was Charlotte Peters and she looked like a rock star with her waffle cut shave up one side of her head and the rest of her hair dyed pink. The clothes that she wore matched her hair in style and you could tell that she was a drug user. The signs were all there, and it intrigued me because there weren't many girls that I knew that used drugs.

She had been at a private school having been in trouble so many times that the school kicked her out. Apparently she had made a habit of being kicked out of school, because this was the 3rd school in the past year that had expelled her. Her parents had finally given up on trying to send her to private school to keep her out of trouble and sent her to public school. Little did they know that private schools were just as big of a place to find trouble as any.

The teacher gave Charlotte the seat in front of me and every morning when she sat down, I was greeted with the scent of cigarettes and some type of floral body spray that she used in vain to cover up the smoke smell.

For some reason, she took an instant liking to the girl who had sat by me and they became friends. Opposites attract and all that shit, so I shrugged at the thought of them being friends, because it was none of my business. Later I would find out that they had known each other since they were little girls in dance class.

After her first week there, that very weekend, I was at a party at Jeff's house, and to my surprise she walked in the door. But what really surprised me was who she brought tagging along with her.

Jeff was a senior in high school and was real careful who he let come to his house. He lived in the small guest house behind his parent's house that had once been occupied by his grandmother before she passed away. Even though he could give a rat's ass what his parents thought, he didn't want word getting around that he was the biggest drug dealer on school grounds.

Charlotte walked through the door like she owned the place walking through the crowd not caring what anyone said. When she spotted Jeff, she yelled out some nickname to him that I had never heard before and ran and jumped on him wrapping her arms and legs around him.

She gave him a huge smacking kiss before easing her way off of him. He held her back at arms length for a moment and gathered her again in a bone crushing hug. They too had known each other previously and hadn't seen each other in a long time since Charlotte had been sent away to private school.

So from then on, she was just as welcome as the rest of us were, and her little friend too. Her little friend though, wasn't too happy about being there I could tell. Bella wasn't a user, and from what I could tell she had no thought of becoming one. But she would come and hang out with Charlotte and spend most of her time reading. Every once and a while she would look at me, and when I would catch her, she would bury her head back in her book.

The more I saw Charlotte, the more I liked her. She was witty and flirtatious and the funniest damn thing when she was buzzed. It didn't matter what the drug was at the moment, she would use and abuse and make the most of it.

She was the first girl I was attracted to and the first girl that had actually given me a hard on. Sure I had seen pictures and things on television that gave me a rise, but she was the first real life person that turned me on.

Even though I lusted after her, I was still way to introverted to even think about approaching a girl about sex. Besides that, the thought of rejection of any kind made me scared to act out on any feelings that I had.

Because we were all in the same class together, and we partied together, the three of us became friends. People thought it was weird that I was hanging out with two girls. Rumors went around that I was gay and that was why I hung out with girls, but I didn't give a fuck. These girls were the only people I really felt comfortable with when I wasn't fucked up, so I felt relaxed when I was around them. They were the only people that did.

We were always together. We would go from house to house. One house on Friday night, another house on Saturday night, then on to mine for Sunday because my mom and sister went to church and out to lunch and were gone for most of the day. No matter where we were, we didn't care because we were together.

Sometimes we would go over to Jeff's and hang out when he wasn't going to have his high school buddies over. Charlotte and I would drink like fish and smoke weed and do crank. We didn't do it except when we came over here, so at the time, we didn't believe we were drug addicts.

Bella never once participated in our little drug fest. Her being the daughter of a police officer, she was scared to indulge. It didn't bother anybody that she didn't do drugs or the fact that she her father was a cop. We all trusted her and knew she would never tell anyone what we were doing.

When we were all high, we would ask her to read to us. There were times when we would do acid and listen to her read and it would just blew our minds because it was like really being there and acting out the story.

She didn't like the fact that we did drugs and drank. She wouldn't fuss or call us out on it, but you could see the disapproval in her eyes. Sometimes she would tell Charlotte that she had too much to drink, try to get her to slow down some or go home and Charlotte would go ballistic.

Charlotte was an emotional drunk and drug addict. There were times that she was so funny that you would laugh to the point of peeing your pants. Then there were times that she would be so bitter and angry, trying to pick a fight and be combative.

These times were the hardest on Bella because she didn't like confrontation. She hated to see Charlotte so hostile and destructive, lashing out at everybody and everything.

If Bella tried to help her, she would turn on Bella for a split second, and then as if a fog lifted from her she would see that it was Bella and grab her in a bone crushing hug and cry apologizing to her over and over again.

From what I could tell, Bella wasn't use to this lifestyle at all, and it was wearing down on her. But she never gave up on Charlotte or me for that matter. It was like she was afraid to be away from us when she knew that we were going to be using because she wanted to look out for us.

The door opened up to my office breaking me out of my daily remembrance of my misspent youth. What happened then bothered me more and more as time passed. When I was young and dumb, I didn't care about anybody else's feelings but my own, and spent most of my time worrying about getting high.

Now that I was older, I regretted so many things. The way I treated my mother and sister, pushing them out of my life, saying cruel things to them, acting as if they didn't exist. But I especially felt bad about the way I treated Bella. I disregarded her feelings. Used her to take care of me when I was puking my guts out when I was drunk, took advantage of the fact that she paid attention in school making her help me with my school work when she needed to be doing her own.

But the absolute worse thing I did was using her friendship by getting closer to Charlotte when Bella had feelings for me herself. That day when everything went to hell, she told me that she loved me and cared for me. The heartbreak in her eyes when I confessed that I loved Charlotte and wanted to be with her still to this day haunts me day and night.

"Edward", Jasper called my name bringing me back to the future. "I have something you should see and I didn't think you should be alone when you saw it. Here."

Jasper handed me a newspaper folded to whatever he wanted me to see. Scanning down the paper I could see the list of obituaries. Sometimes, people we have treated ended up here. No matter how much you try to help someone, it won't work if they won't help themselves.

Finally I saw what he was trying to show me. Her name was in bold letters over the information of how she died and visitation times. Tears began to sting my eyes as I read her age, that she had died suddenly, her surviving relatives and burial information. In lieu of flowers, contributions could be made to the local women's shelter.

Closing my eyes, I could see the three of us in perfect clarity again, all of us smiling living in the moment. How could things have gone so wrong?

Jasper walked around my desk, easing down on the side before placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. Looking up at him, he was blurry from the tears that were swimming in my eyes.

"I knew you would be upset. When we lose someone that played such an important role in our life, good or bad, it hurts."

It wasn't just the fact that she had died, or how I knew deep down exactly how she had died, it was the person she left behind. The one person that loved her unconditionally, no matter her faults or the person she had become.

"Poor Bella. She loved her so much. Charlotte was a friend to her when she didn't have any. And Bella was friend to Charlotte even when Charlotte didn't want one."

"Are you going to call her?" Jasper asked me in a sympathetic tone. He knew the whole story from beginning to the end. He knew that I regretted in more ways than one how things happened. He knew that I carried a huge weight on my shoulder even after years of therapy and rehab.

There were many people I hurt that day, and I had asked for forgiveness from all of them but one. Feeling like I had hurt her more than anyone else I did, I could never bring myself to ask for something I didn't deserve.

"I don't know if I can. Now that this has happened, it would be like pouring salt on an opened wound."

"You're probably right. But don't you think you should at least offer your condolences." Jasper always made me see things for how they really are. In order to get better, you have to admit there is a problem. You have to confront it and meet it head on.

Staring down at the two short paragraphs that summed up the end of Charlotte's life, I knew Jasper was right. It was time to face what had happened all those years ago, whether either one of us wanted to or not. We both needed some closure, and just maybe if she heard everything once and for all, we both could move on.

**A/N: I am not in any type of medical profession. Nor am I a therapist, psychiatrist or counselor. Please remember this is fiction people. Well not all of it is some of it is based on real life. Charlotte is based on someone I knew and loved, so is Edward. I guess you could say Bella is based on me. Most of what I will write will be from Edward's POV. Please let me know what you think by hitting that review button down at the bottom.**


	2. Back to the Beginning

**Please read and review.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story is mine.**

Chapter 2: Back to the beginning.

Edward POV

At this moment I could see why so many people start using again. I knew better than anyone how it would feel to get high or drunk and forget all your problems. The fact that so many people had relapses was not a surprise to me. That turning point that made you want another drink, another puff, another line, or another hit, whatever your poison of choice may be to forget the pain.

When you feel so down and out, that nothing sounds better than to do whatever your poison is to make you be able to tune the world out, that's when you know that you need help. My problem when I was younger was that I didn't believe that I had a problem. All I knew was that I could forget everything when I was fucked up.

Jasper never said anything as the silent tears rolled down my face. Sure that he could read my mind, know what I was thinking, because he knew me so well. When I had first come here, before I started working here, it was Jasper that had broken down my walls, crashed through my defenses and made me open up.

All I could think of at the moment is if Charlotte was here, she would so understand. That was something that years later I realized, it wasn't anything but drugs that drew me to Charlotte. It wasn't her I was attracted to, but what she did. She was a girl who did drugs and was a partner in crime. We both thought our home lives sucked and didn't get along with anybody besides Bella. Or Jeff for that matter, but you have to love your drug dealer.

Much later when I was sober there were many things I couldn't see as clearly as opposed to being fucked up. Charlotte wasn't prettier than Bella. Her facial features were harder, whereas Bella's were soft. Charlotte looked like a chipmunk with her rounded cheeks and small lips. Bella's heart shaped face and deep brown eyes and hair gave her the look a fairy from the woods.

When I was using and the three of us were hanging out, I thought Charlotte was like a dream come true. Blinded by drugs and alcohol, I thought she was every man's dream. Like a calendar pin up or nude magazine girl of the month, I wasn't looking at the big picture, only the one that was created through a haze of drugs.

In the past fifteen years, I have done a lot of should have, could have, would have. For the most part, I worked through all my problems and made peace with everyone but Bella. She was the one person who I felt like I didn't deserver her forgiveness.

That is what is making it so hard to want to be sober at this moment, to drown myself in alcohol or numb my pain with drugs. Because it wasn't Charlotte that I was grieving for, it was Bella.

The feelings I had for Charlotte made what I called a fucked up life just that much more fucked up. Creating this fantasy around Charlotte and the feelings I thought I had for her sent me spiraling down into a deep black whole and dragging one of the most beautiful people down with me.

~*~

We were inseparable. The three of us were like the three musketeers. Each of us in our own way didn't want to be a part of the in crowd or any crowd for that matter. Bella was just too shy to worry about being around other people and felt more comfortable on the outside. Charlotte just didn't care to be part of the mass production and fall in line with everyone else. And I just didn't want to be a part of anything.

My home life sucked. My mother wasn't home much, putting in long hours at the local radio station where she worked. When she was home, she was bitching. She was on me like shit on a stick, white on rice, or whatever the hell you wanted to call it. All the fucking time it seemed. If it wasn't my grades or lack thereof, it was my room, my hygiene, what I ate or didn't. I felt as if she could never say anything nice to me at all, never realizing at the time that I didn't give her a reason to say anything nice.

Alice, my sister, became bitchier by the day. We would fight like two lions in a cage over whatever was eating at Alice that day. Sometimes it was something so little as me leaving a plate on the kitchen counter. She would have freaked if she knew we had tried to dry out some weed in the microwave.

She only had one friend and I was truly surprised that Rose would even hang around her even on a good day. Rose witnessed so many fights between us there was no way to keep count. Sometimes Rose would look at me with such pity that it made my stomach churn. How she could continue to come around and watch the blood fest between us was beyond me. But just like everything else, I blocked her out like she wasn't there.

"Fuck you Alice. You're not my mother." Yelling at Alice everyday after school had become as regular as homework.

"Well, thank God for small miracles. 'Cause if you were mine, I would have put you up for adoption." Alice retorted with a smug smile on her face.

"Then I wouldn't have to look at your ugly face anymore."

"The only ugly one around here is you. Ugly, stinky and most of all stupid!" Alice always played the stupid card. She thought it bothered me. Truth is it didn't. Stupid is, is stupid does. And right now Alice looked like a fucking moron yelling at me because I drank the last of the coke.

"You know what Alice. It's just a fucking coke. You're the one who sounds fucking stupid."

"Well I have company and she wants something to drink." Alice yelled as she gestured toward Rose sitting on the couch.

"I can drink water Alice. It's okay. Really." Rose muttered as she continued to look down at her book.

"No it's not okay." Alice retorted to Rose while she glared at me. "He should think about someone else beside himself."

"Like I knew Rose was coming over."

"Well if it was one of your drug buddies, you would have saved some for them. Fucking idiots." Alice mumbled the last part probably so I wouldn't hear. She knew how irate I became when she talked about my friends.

"Keep you mouth shut about my friends." Seething at her, I began to see red. It pissed me off royally when she talked about my friends. Fucking bitch. I never talked about the one and only friend she had. Truly I felt sorry for Rose for having to put up with my sister's shit.

"How can you call those people your friends? They are nothing but trouble." Alice snapped back.

"Fuck you. Bella's not like that. She doesn't use drugs." Charlotte was another thing. But I wasn't going to let her say bad things about Bella.

"Whatever Edward. She wouldn't be hanging around you if she did. What about Charlotte? Can't say that about her can you!" Alice hissed angrily.

"You don't know her. You don't know either one of them. So just shut the fuck up!" Grabbing my jacket, I went out the door slamming it shut behind me. If I stayed much longer, I was going to hurt her. When Alice and I went at each other like this, there was only one place I wanted to go. But I had to make another stop first.

It was times like these that I was grateful we all lived in the same neighborhood together. Before we became friends, I had no idea that Bella and Charlotte lived so close. Being the recluse that I was, I never hung out in the 'hood' trying to find a friend. Video games and comic books were about the only thing that interested me until I found Jeff and he introduced me to the world of drugs.

Making my way through the backyards to Bella's house I came to her window. Her bedroom was on the ground floor, so it was easy to climb in and out of her window to get inside. When I looked in the window, she was sitting at her desk, hunched over her notebook writing. Lightly I tapped on the glass to get her attention.

When she looked up, she jolted at first until she realized it was me. Then she smiled that smile at me that I had never seen her share with anyone else. Bella was shy and reserved, never looking at anyone in the eye when she was talking to them, much less smile. She was more open with me and Charlotte than even her mother.

As she crossed the room to open her window, I knew that no matter what time it was, I could always come and see Bella, and she would have that sweet smile on her face. Just seeing her made things a little easier, but still nothing eased my mind like going to see Jeff.

"You scared me Edward." She cocked her head at me while she studied me with those deep brown eyes. "What's wrong Edward?"

She could always tell when things weren't right. "Alice is being a bitch. I'm going to Jeff's. I came by to see if you would call Charlotte and see if she would meet us there."

The more I thought about getting to Jeff's, the antsier I got. On the weekdays, Jeff let us come over every night. His older buddies came on the weekend and to save face we weren't allowed to come over then. But he would usually hook Charlotte and me up till he saw us again.

We would all sit around talking and playing music. The three of us, Jeff, Charlotte and me would get high while Bella played dee jay. Jeff had an amazing collection of music that Bella loved to go through. There weren't many people he allowed to touch his music or his stereo system, but he would let her. Probably because she was the only sober one around.

Bella's eyes darted to the phone and back to mine. "If that's what you want Edward. I'll call her and ask her to meet us over there." She paused a moment looking back at her desk. "We could stay here and do homework."

"Fuck that. I need to go to Jeff's. You coming or not." Homework didn't matter to me at this moment. Nothing did really. All I could think of was getting to Jeff's and getting stoned.

An emotion that I couldn't understand crossed Bella's face before she seemed to compose herself and masked it with a bland look. Many times I wanted to ask Bella what that emotion was, but knowing Bella she would never tell me.

"I'm coming, just let me call Charlotte." Bella picked up the phone and dialed Charlotte's number. Bella explained to her that we were going to Jeff's and wanted to know if she would meet us over there. Charlotte's response was a loud and clear 'hell yea' before the call was ended.

"Just let me tell my mom that I'm going for a walk or she will be worried." Bella grabbed her jacket making her way to the door. "I'll meet you outside." Bella's mother was a complete ding bat, so she never seemed to catch on to anything we did.

Crawling out the window my body felt like the point of a compass pointing toward Jeff's house as my true north. That's what if felt like sometimes. Other times there was a need that I couldn't explain. More than food or water, my body craved that sensation that made everything go away.

Bella walked out matching my stride as I turned to walk towards the only thing that made me calm. Not the only thing I should say. Bella made me calm. Charlotte in her own way made me calm but excited me as well. She calmed me by doing the same things I did which excited me too. Never had I seen a girl take a hit off a joint like her. Never had I seen a girl turn a whiskey bottle up swallowing the liquid like it was water.

The closer Bella and I came to Jeff's, I could feel the tension easing out of my body. It was like my body knew that what helped it the most was right there in front of me waiting for me to inundate everything I could into my system. The anticipation and the wanting increased my step making it hard for Bella to keep up.

When we reached the door, Charlotte swung it open looking out at us with a joint hanging from her lips. "Let's get this party started." Laughing she stepped aside to let us in.

Jeff was sitting on the couch with a tray in his lap. On the tray was more weed, rolling papers, clips and a fine white powder which I knew was coke. He took the paper that was folded at the bottom to hold the weed, stuffed more weed inside then sprinkled the coke over the weed. Taking the paper rolling it meticulously between his fingers until it was smooth and round bringing it to his lips darting his tongue out to moisten the gummed edge before rolling between his fingers again to seal the paper. Jeff made an art out of rolling joints.

"Fire that one up Charlotte. Then we'll smoke this one. It will really get the party started." Jeff stated as he slid the tray back under the couch. Because his parents lived in the 'big house' as Jeff called it, he never went to any trouble hiding his stash.

Taking a lighter to the end of the joint, Charlotte pulled long and hard with her lungs to get the joint lit and take her first hit. Passing the joint to Jeff next, I watched as he did the same thing. Holding his hit in, he waved the joint over to me, allowing me to take my first hit.

When I inhaled that first hit, it was better than anything there was for me. Nothing soothed me, nothing calmed me like the first hit for me. This was what I wanted, what I craved. That feeling that coursed through me when I held that first hit in my lungs. There was nothing more I wanted.

~*~

Jasper gripped my shoulder shaking it slightly. "Where did you go Edward?" He questioned.

"Back to the beginning. Back to the end. The beginning of the end.

Whatever way you want to look at it." Rubbing my eyes trying to ease the strain, I looked back at Jasper. "This is so fucked up."

"You're right. It is fucked up. But you know what you need to do."

"I know. But that doesn't make it any easier." Nothing about this was going to be easy.

**A/N: So what do you think? Please be honest. But no flames please, I have feelings too. In this chapter, I was trying to relate how things came to be. Edward's need for drugs, what causes them, his relationship with his sister. **

**Not all chapters will start in the present and go the past, just the first few. I don't know how many chapters there will be or how long. The chapters are short right now, but may get longer. **


	3. Remembering

**This story is for mature audiences only. If you are under 17, please do not read this story. There is drug and alcohol abuse. Please do not try any of this at home.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. This story is mine.**

**Please read and review.**

Chapter 3: Remembering

Edward POV

Jasper had finally left me alone knowing that what I needed at the moment was space. That's the way it had been since I first came here. I would attend the meetings, talk when I had to, but when it was over, I had to be by myself. Thinking about things that had happened was overwhelming to say the least and sharing those out loud was therapy. But remembering it all was like reliving it over and over again and the pain of some things never go away.

~*~

At fourteen, life revolves around just a few things. Home, family and school are usually the top three of any list. These were constants in life that meant more to some than others. To me, they meant nothing.

Home and family were synonymous with anger and unhappiness. There was nothing that held us together like other families had. My father had already left and when he did, basically so did my mother. She buried herself in her job to ease her pain leaving my sister and me to deal with our feelings the best way we could. We didn't do very well.

School was something I had to do to keep my mother off my back. There was nothing about school I liked. The teachers all looked at me with pity in their eyes because of my situation. All the kids stayed as far away from me as they could, treating me like some sort of pariah, which actually worked out to my favor because I didn't give a shit about them anyway. School work was about as interesting to me as getting teeth pulled. So, all in all, my academic life sucked as bad as my home life.

The only thing that saved me from the monotony of school was Bella and Charlotte. We would sit together during what classes had together and that would soothe me. Charlotte and I would pass notes most of the time while our studious little Bella would take class notes.

Our notes mostly consisted of making fun of other students or the teachers. Sometimes we would talk about what we did the night before. Other times we would talk about how bad our home life sucked. I had begun to learn a lot about Charlotte during our note passing sessions.

Charlotte's parents from the time she was a child tried to involve her in all kinds of extracurricular activities. They wanted her involved in things that she, as Charlotte quotes her parents, 'would be around the right families.' They had her nanny drive her back and forth from dance classes or gymnastics or whatever they thought a young girl from a prestigious family should be doing. Her parents were never involved in getting her there or sitting with her during her practices, but would at least show up at recitals or competitions.

But to Charlotte that was never enough. Her parents didn't have time to be with her because of there jobs so instead pawned her off on a nanny. They wouldn't even be at home at night to read her a book or tuck her in bed. She was dying for their affection and did whatever they asked to get it. Still they never had time for her or really spent much time with her.

When she was in dancing, that is where she first met Bella. Their first dance recital together they were dressed like baby chicks with feathers and yellow tutus. That shit was funny as hell to me, especially the way Charlotte looked now with her punk rock persona.

Charlotte learned the hard way that she was the only one that her parents didn't give a shit. Every time Bella was at practice, so was Renee, Bella's mother. All the other girls who were in dancing, their mother was with them every time as well. None of the rest of them was escorted by a nanny because their parents were too busy.

As she grew older, she stopped doing all the things they wanted her to do and started rebelling anyway she could. At first they sent her to private schools, but she soon figured out what to do to get kicked out of them so her parents would have to deal with her. They didn't deal with her any better than my parents had dealt with me.

She resented them more and more everyday as time went on. No matter what she did, they would reprimand her and send her on her way. Charlotte turned to drugs and alcohol for many of the same reasons I did, to dull the pain or make her forget. When her parents found out about her using, they sent her to a psychiatrist to try and help her with her problems when all she wanted was them. She tried to talk with the doctor to tell him that she just wanted her parents, apparently he turned it around on her that so she walked out. Her parents gave up on her, or so she thought, so she just started using that much more and learned to hide it.

We were so much alike that it was scary. We hated school, hated our family, and had one friend besides each other and that was Bella. The more I talked with Charlotte, the more I started to like her I mean really like her. Like boyfriend girlfriend kind of like. Which was weird because I had never had any interest in girls before, ever at all, because to me all girls were evil, the enemy.

Bella and Charlotte were the first girls that I had ever wanted to be around, and really were the first real friends that I had. Talking with them was easy and I had fun when I was with them. Sure Jeff and I were friends, but he was older and I really didn't feel comfortable talking with him about some shit.

During lunch we huddled together shielding ourselves from the rest of the kids taking comfort from each other. Bella was the recluse, Charlotte was the new kid, and I was the stoner. So we made our own little circle of friends.

"Let's go to Jeff's tonight. I need to get fucked up." Charlotte whispered towards us. All day she had been on edge. Her edginess was rubbing off on me so my need to get fucked up was rivaling hers.

"Sure, it's Friday. 'You ain't got no job, you ain't got shit to do, so I'm gonna get you high today.'" Quoting Smokey from the movie Friday Charlotte let out a peal of laughter causing several heads to turn our way.

Bella tucked her head blushing from the attention while Charlotte stuck her tongue out at the audience we had gained. When I saw her tongue dart out from her pink lips, my mind started thinking about what it would be like to have her tongue in my mouth. And other places.

"Is Jeff going to be home tonight?" Charlotte asked me startling me out of my little fantasy.

"Yea. He told me last night for us to come by. He had a surprise for us. Are you coming tonight Bella?" I always included Bella in my plans. She was my friend and even though I felt different from her than I did Charlotte, I still wanted her around.

Bella looked up from her book she was reading. Her eyes met mine and seemed to sparkle for a moment then went blank. She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't have anything else to do. Why not?"

The rest of the day seemed to drag on, but thinking about going to Jeff's at least gave me something to look forward to.

***

"Here Edward." Jeff sucked in his hit holding it in as he held out the bong to me. "It's your hit." We were hanging at Jeff's on his couch.

Jeff had scored some hash off his older brother who had come home from college for the weekend. When he said he had a surprise for us, he wasn't fucking around. This was the first time that I had tried hash and so far I liked it. It was a much more of an intense high than pot.

Taking the bong and lighter, I held the mouthpiece to my lips as I put fire to the bowl. Inhaling deeply, I took the hit and held it.

Trying to hold my hit in, I waved the bong in front of Charlotte. She took the bong from me hit the bowl as hard as I did and held it.

"Damn did you see that shit? She hit that like a pro." Jeff stated exuberantly as he took the bong from Charlotte for his hit.

Everyone who hung out at Jeff's was impressed by how Charlotte could keep up. By that I mean when it came to the drugs and alcohol, she ran with the big dogs. Nothing seemed to slow her down, unless it was intended to.

The more I was around Charlotte, the more I wanted her. We were so much alike it was scary at times. Our mood swings seemed to coincide with each other. When she was up, I was up, when she was down, so was I. Little did I know that the drugs were having a factor in my mood swings.

Even though I was beginning to have feelings for Charlotte, she never acted any different towards me. To her, I was just another drug buddy. She never came onto any of the other guys that hung out, so I held out hope that she would turn to me one day.

Bella was going through Jeff's music picking songs out at random to play. When _Basket Case by Green Day _drifted out of the speakers we all started to sing along. Bella was excellent at picking out music to suit our moods.

Charlotte and I stood beside each other acting as if we were holding microphones and started singing the words to the song together.

_Sometimes I give myself the creeps  
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me  
It all keeps adding up  
I think I'm cracking up  
Am I just paranoid?  
Am I just stoned?_

We were dancing around the room shaking and bobbing our heads to the beat while sang like a pack of dogs. Charlotte and I would do this when we were stoned. The music would cause a reaction in us and we would just go with the flow.

When I looked over at Bella she was sitting there watching Charlotte and I bounce around the room. Sometimes she would get this look on her face. It was like she was longing for something, but I couldn't figure out what.

Bella was not a user of any kind. She never tried any of the drugs that we did. She never took a drink. For fucks sakes she never even smoked a cigarette. All she would do was sit there and watch us get fucked up.

I couldn't understand why she hung out with us. I wanted her there. She was my friend and I wanted her there. But I knew there was no way I could just sit there and watch while everyone around me got high.

Sure she would laugh at us. Sometimes she would cry with us. When Charlotte and I would get on one of those crying drunks, Bella would try her best to comfort us. She would hug us; stroke our hair and our backs in a comforting way.

But when she did, I knew it wasn't Bella that I wanted comfort from when I was upset, it was Charlotte. It wasn't Bella that I wanted to touch me that way, it was Charlotte. But Charlotte never did.

Bella was my connection to Charlotte. I didn't have the nerve to call Charlotte myself. When I wanted Charlotte to be around I would get Bella to call her. Bella and I were friends and I was Charlotte's friend too, it's just I wanted more from Charlotte than I did Bella. And I didn't have the balls to act on any of my feelings towards her.

The song ended but Bella quickly started another one. She was good at keeping the music flowing. Maybe this was her way of calming herself.

_Morning Glory by Oasis _began to fill the room. Charlotte and I sat down breathing heavily from our jumping around. Jeff passed me the bong and I lit the bowl hitting it hard. Passing it to Charlotte, her fingers brushed mine as she took the bong from me. That little contact gave my buzzing brain a jolt like most of her touches did.

The hormonal fourteen year old in me had me getting hard at the smallest touches. Even now I was hard after she touched me and more so as I was watching her getting stoned.

I reached down to casually adjust myself. When I looked up, Bella was staring at me with what looked like sadness in her eyes. What the fuck was that about? She quickly darted her eyes away continuing to go through Jeff's music collection.

"Hey Bella." Jeff slurred out. "Next time put on Mary Jane's Last Dance. Let Tom Petty rock this place." Most of the time, Jeff was content on Bella's music choice. Very seldom did he make a request, but when he did it was always something good.

"After that, I want something we can dance to again." Charlotte whined. She stood from the couch and stumbled over to Bella and the stereo. She had a drink in her hand, and I watched as the drink sloshed around in her cup.

Charlotte was much like drunken old sot. She spilled things when she was clumsy because she was drunk. Her attitude was always fuck it and kept on. Only Bella would take the time to clean up after her. For that matter, Bella cleaned up after all of us. It was just how she was.

Charlotte giggled as she sat down beside Bella to help her go through the music. Some hip hop streamed out from the speakers causing Charlotte to jump to her feet and start to dance provocatively rubbing her hands up and down her body.

I watched mesmerized as she swayed to the music. It become apparent that I was enjoying her little show as my hard own pressed into my jeans. Charlotte gripped Bella tight dragging her close so that they could dance together. Watching them turned me on that much more and I was shocked at myself as my mind contemplated what it would be like for two women to be together.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, my eyes locked on Bella's for a moment. Sometimes I thought she could read me too well and by the look in her eyes I could tell that she had done just that. Her eyes swirled with disappointment and what looked like unhappiness making me feel like a complete smock for thinking what I had.

Jeff tapped my arm with his hand, pushing the bong towards me letting me know it was my hit. Without pausing I took a hit relishing in the sensation that affected me every time I got high.

"Mitchell told me about some cool thing that some of the kids were doing back at college. He said tomorrow night he wanted to take me out and show me. Sounds like fun. You guys want to go?" Jeff questioned looking at me expectantly.

"Sure. Why not? What is it?" It didn't really matter to me. I was game as long as it was fun and gave me a reprieve from my inner musings.

"He called it car surfing. That's about all I know. He said he would show me tomorrow night. Said it was hard to explain. You just had to do it to see." Jeff took the bong from me walking over to Charlotte to let her have a hit. "What about you Charlotte, do you want to come?"

Charlotte looked at me then to Bella. "I guess. It's not like I have anything better to do." She shrugged and turned to Bella. "What about you Bella, you coming with?"

Bella looked at me strangely for a moment with what looked like a hint of fear in her eyes. "I don't know. I'll let you know tomorrow." The fear never left her eyes as apprehension seemed to cloud her features. What the fuck?

Well I wasn't going to let her worrying bother me. Sounded like fun. What the hell could go wrong?

**A/N: Do not try any of what I am writing at home. I'm sure many of you have heard of what I will be writing about in the next chapter. This will be the beginning of the end for Edward's destructive life choices. **

**There should be just a couple more chapters before Edward talks to Bella, so hang in there. What I'm writing right now is trying to show the downward spiral of the last days before the cough "shit" cough hits the fan.**

**Remember I don't have a beta, so please forgive my mistakes. Please remember too, this is just fiction people.**

**Please read and review. Let me know what you think. No flames please. I have feelings too.**


	4. Crushed

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. This story is mine. This story is for mature audiences only. If you are under 17, please do not read this story. There is drug and alcohol abuse. Please do not try any of this at home.**

**To Flora73, whose reviews have let me know that I seem to be doing something right. Thank you!**

**Please review.**

Chapter 4: Crushed

She's dead. She's really dead this time. So many times I wondered when it would happen. I never knew at times when I would see her again. There were times that I would go weeks, sometimes months before I heard from her or saw her again.

She would get off on one of her tangents about her fucked up life, then she would indulge in whatever drug she was using at that time and just disappear. There was never any rhyme or reason to anything she did. She just did it.

I never knew where she was or what she was doing. The one time that she went missing and I did find her, she was in the attic of a house she was living in. She was strung out on coke, hiding in the corner rocking herself back and forth. She hadn't showered for days. Her hair was stringy and greasy, and I could smell her body odor before I even got close to her. Eyes glassy and darting around like a wild animal, it took me over an hour to get her to snap out of it enough to know who I was. The sight of her broke my heart making me vow then that I would never look for her unless I had to. It just hurt to bad.

This was how it was with her from the beginning. It was like a fucking roller coaster ride without being able to see where the dips and curves were. Her moods were like that, and I never knew which Charlotte I would be talking to.

When Charlotte first came into my life, she was almost like a god send. I was painfully shy, scared of my own shadow trying to pass through without anyone noticing me. She introduced me to a whole new life, one that included him.

~*~

Because I stuck to myself away from people, I noticed things that other's may have not noticed because they were so busy with other people. I guess I was a people watcher. That was how I noticed him. Edward Cullen.

I'll never forget the first time that I saw him. No, not the first time that I saw him, the first time that I really looked at him. Of course I had heard of him, knew his name, the whispers in the girl's locker room, the rumors that floated around the hallowed halls of our school. Drug head, druggie, and pot head, all names that were given to someone who used drugs.

He was a loner. He was moody and seemed I guess the only way to describe it would be tormented at times. Some days he was actually himself, other days I didn't know who or where he was even though his body was right beside mine sitting in class. Something bothered him and ate at him until he couldn't stand it anymore and he would revert into himself.

He was an outcast, much like me I suppose. For I kept to myself, shying away from people, from human contact, too scared I would have to interact with them. Truly I was nervous in a room full of people, like in the classroom or the lunchroom. Never did I seek out to find a friend or to be a friend to anyone. My friends were my books, the only thing that gave me a sense of security, because I could understand them easier than I could a real person. I spent so much time by myself in the quiet that I had grown accustomed to no sound, and sometimes loud sounds would scare me. Yea I was a hermit to the extreme.

One thing I also knew was that he was a drug user. I didn't think he did it at school, but I knew he was doing it when he wasn't there. But he was never really clean. Being a policeman's daughter, I knew the signs of drug use, and he had them all. My father told me all about drug and alcohol abuse telling me the signs stating that if I ever used, he would know it and I would be in some serious shit. That conversation put the fear of god in me and I knew that I would never try or do drugs.

Everything that I had witnessed while I watched him, the way he walked, the way he stayed away from other people, the way he smelled. All were signs that he was a drug user.

But I didn't care. It just made me feel that much more for him. The more I watched him, the more I fell in love with him. I wanted to know what caused him to be so sad. I wanted to know what caused him to seek drugs as comfort. There were so many things that I wanted to know about him, that I almost drove myself crazy.

I watched him day after day. The more I watched him the more I thought about him and the more I cared for him. My heart broke on the days that he was upset and sad. I so wanted to reach out to him and let him know that there was someone who was thinking about him and cared for him. But there was no way I had the courage for that.

And what if he rejected me? Became angry with me because he didn't want my pity or my sympathy. What then? There was no way I was going to embarrass myself or him.

They say first loves are hard. This was my first, and I could say without a doubt it was the hardest thing I had ever known. I knew that I would never have the courage to act on my feelings, to tell him that I loved him or that I cared what happened to him. That was the worst part of it. Worrying about him and what he was doing to himself.

Even if I did tell him how I felt, there was no way he would want me. My mousy brown hair and dirt colored eyes were nothing compared to the girls that walked around the school who primped every day to get ready to strut around. He never paid them one ounce of attention, there was no way he was going to look at me.

Besides of how I looked, there was the fact that he was so damn cute. His face had that boyish charm that made your heart melt. The color of his hair, a soft copper color was nothing like I had ever seen before, that stuck up in a bed head disarray making it look almost wild.

But the first time I looked at him, truly looked into his eyes, it wasn't the beautiful green eyes lined by eyelashes the color of his hair that attracted me. It was the grief and the sadness that I saw in the depths of his green orbs.

The shadows under his eyes let me know that he didn't sleep well or at all. The way the color seemed to change with his feelings, a light shiny green when he was in a fairly good mood, or the dark green that shone through when he was in a bad mood. The softness they carried when he was in a good mood made his green eyes bright with happiness. But when he was sad they were intense and dark and I wanted nothing more than to remove that sadness that he carried in those green depths.

The fact that a fourteen year old boy could have so much hurt inside him that it dominated his features like that drew me to him like a moth to a flame.

So I continued to watch him. Every day I would watch everything he did. I watched the way he walked and knew by the way he carried himself that day, whether he held his shoulders slumped or the way he shuffled his feet when he walked, I knew what kind of mood he was in.

I knew the days that he had overslept and hadn't showered, because I could smell the sweat on him and the smell of marijuana and cigarette smoke, and the stench of alcohol that would sometime reek from his pores.

The days that he took a shower, I could smell him as well, but it was a different type of smell of course. The scent of soap and shampoo, with a hint of sunshine in the air. No, sunshine doesn't really have a smell, but that was what came to mind on those days that he was clean. Like the smell when you would walk outside on a beautiful sunny day and everything smelled clean and fresh.

So I just watched. The only class that we actually had together was English. Sometimes he would sleep, other times he would stare out into space. If I knew the teacher was about to call on him, I tried to let him know.

The first time that I had to get his attention, I couldn't reach him with my hands, so I had to wad up a small piece of paper to throw at him. When it hit him, he looked up at me with a sneer on his face like he was ready for a fighting match, but when I pointed toward the teacher then the book, he got the idea. The sneer that was on his face turned to a grimace of understanding then a small smile. The fact that I was trying to help him changed his demeanor towards me.

From then on, sometimes he would speak to me. On those days, he had showered and I could smell the soap and sunshine. His hair when clean was a wild disorder of bronze locks. On the days he didn't shower, his hair would look sticky like it had hair product in it, but it still had that look about it that just made me want to run my fingers through it. To soothe. To comfort.

When he would speak to me, it was not a complete conversation. He would ask what we were reading that day or what the homework assignment was. So I started writing down the reading and homework assignments for him. When I would hand them to him, he would seem surprised. Like he didn't think anyone should care about him.

But I did care. There was nothing between us. We had nothing in common. Just a hand full of words or sentences here or there, and that was it. The more I watched him though, the more I was drawn to him. The more I hurt for him and felt for him. He obviously felt alone in this world, and I being the recluse I was, knew exactly how he felt.

I could only hope that one day we both might open up to one another.

Then Charlotte came along. She was the perfect picture of a wild child. Her hair was cut like Cyndi Lauper's once was back in the eighties. She had four piercings in one ear, and two in the other. When I asked her about the odd number, she had told me the story of how when she had gotten drunk with friends, they would get a wild hair and go get their ears pierced. She would get one earring, and her friend would get the other. That was nothing compared to some of the other stuff she had done.

To say Charlotte was wild, was an understatement. She had deliberately been kicked out of three private schools in the past couple of years. Her parents were always busy with their own life, never paying attention to Charlotte, so she did whatever she could to gain their attention. Drugs and alcohol were on the top of the list.

When she walked into class that day, I watched as the whole class was captivated by her. To much of my dismay, so was Edward. Of course he never acted on it or spoke to her. She however did talk to me, and the more I talked to her it hit me that I knew her. Charlotte was in my dance classes when I was younger. She was the little girl whose nanny brought her to all of our dance lessons. I only saw her parents one time and that was at the dance recital at the end of the year. My mother took a picture of us together placing it in my scrap book.

It took Charlotte longer to recognize me, but when she did, it was like old friends who had been separated and had just found there way to each other again. We latched on to each other like two people trying to survive a storm. Being with her didn't cure my shyness, but I was able to experience things that I would have never gotten to on my own.

The first time Charlotte came home with me, my mother remembered Charlotte instantly taking her into her arms. She didn't mind me hanging out with Charlotte because she felt sorry for her. My mother may have been a scatter brain sometimes, but she knew what was up. No one could deny after looking at Charlotte that she was using drugs.

"Charlotte needs a friend like you. It will do her some good." My mother told me never considering that in the long run, it wouldn't be good for me. Not at all. Even Charlotte's mother approved of us being friends; she thought I would be a good influence.

Charlotte and I became inseparable and everywhere she went, I did too. Imagine my surprise when we walked in at an old friend's of Charlotte's and there sat Edward.

Charlotte's friend's name was Jeff. His parents and her parents ran in the same social circle and knew each other well. Well enough that he started smoking a joint with her and welcomed me with open arms.

I was leery at first hanging out there will all that was going on. My father had often told me about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Being here was exactly that. But I couldn't keep myself away if I wanted. Not only did Charlotte insist that I accompany her when she went over there, he was there.

For months I watched them slowly spiral down a hole together. Neither one of them were content with anything they put into their body. They always had to have more. There was nothing I could do but watch and slowly inside I was dying just as much as they were.

But still I couldn't stay away. Charlotte and Edward both wanted me there. And me being the masochist that I was couldn't help myself. Not even when I knew that he was beginning to have feelings for her.

There was no denying it by the way he watched her. Constantly he would watch her, I guess in the same way I watched him. When she was doing drugs with him, there was always this look of awe in his eyes. But other times he looked at her with what seemed like love in his eyes making me wish so bad that he would look at me like that.

Then there was the most obvious of signs in his pants. That of course broke my heart, because he was that way for her, not me. I couldn't imagine them together in anyway and was relieved when she didn't seem to reciprocate his feelings. But it didn't matter that she didn't feel that way towards him. He still wanted her. Not me, and that almost broke me.

With all of these things spinning around me and out of control, I couldn't keep away. My worry for him and her kept me there, holding me to a destiny that frightened the hell out of me. Because just like all good things must come to an end, so must all bad things. When I say bad, I mean really bad. In the course of just one weekend all of our lives were shattered, some more than others.

~*~

Pressing my hands to my eyes, I try and will my tears away. I can't do this right now. There's just no way I can break down. Not now. I have to help Mrs. Peter's. I have to get through this. Reliving this right now is not an option. There was a reason that I closed my heart off, so I wouldn't have to deal with anymore pain. I hope I can keep it closed a little while longer.

_Please keep closed._

_Please._

**A/N: So what did you think of Bella's POV? Was it how you thought it would be? Was it too much? Please review and let me know.**


	5. Nothing Else Matters

**This story is rated for mature audiences only. There are drugs, alcohol, and adult themes in this story. Do not read if you are under 17! Please do not try any of this at home!**

**I realized I made a mistake in the first chapter. I said there were in 8****th**** grade, I meant for it to say they were in 9****th****. Sorry! Remember I don't have a beta.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story is mine.**

**Please review!**

Chapter 5: Nothing else matters

Saturday night couldn't come fast enough. Anticipation of what we are going to do that night warred with me causing my body to hum. Pacing my room, I couldn't stop the edginess of wanting to get the hell out of this house. No it isn't home to me. Not anymore. Not since my family all went to hell in a hand basket.

My four walls feel like a prison to me. Outside of my prison are the high walls with barbwire that surrounds the prison cells to keep you from escaping. My mother and sister are home and even though they aren't bothering me, I can feel their presence. They feel like my wardens.

Finally I can't take anymore. Looking at the clock, I notice it is almost four and think for sure that Jeff won't mind me coming a little early. If nothing else, I can get a drink to calm my nerves.

Grabbing my jacket, I reach for the door, swinging it open only to reveal my mother with her hand in mid air about to knock on the door.

"What do you I want?" Growling the question out, I stomp back to my bed sitting down heavily on the side.

"Don't be like that Edward." My mother said quietly making her way over to sit beside me on the bed. "I don't want to fight with you. I just want to let you know that Alice and I are going shopping. We are going to have dinner and then see the late show." Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as she starts to reach out to me but stills her hand mid air laying it back down on her lap. "Would you like to go with us?"

"With Alice. No fucking way." The last place I want to be on a Saturday night is with my sister. For that matter I didn't want to be with her anytime. During the week was hell enough. The weekends I avoid her like the plague. Usually on the weekend, it isn't that hard, because most of the times she was with my mother. That really bothers the fuck out of me, because my mom wants to spend time with Alice and not me. Then other times, Alice is with our father, and that really just made me sour too. How could she be with that mother fucker after he left mom. Left us. Left me.

"Please watch your language." She lightly scolded me making me feel like a little kid again. She sighed impatiently. "She's the only sister you have. You shouldn't be like that towards her."

I scoffed. "Well thank all that's holy that she is. I can't imagine having to deal with another one like her."

My mom stood up turning to face with anger in her eyes. "I'm not going to listen to you berate your sister."

Well that just pissed me off more. Standing up, I stood to face my mother. "Of course not. You always take sweet little Alice's side. Well let me let you in on a little secret. She's not that fucking sweet." Yelling as loud as I could, I felt good to tell her exactly what I had wanted to say for a long time.

Inside I want to scream more and tell her that when she isn't here that Alice is as ugly to me as one person could be to another. Some of the terrible things that Alice had said to me making me feel that everything bad that has happened in our family is because of me.

Fury leapt into my mother's eyes almost making me regret being belligerent to her. Most of the time, when she yelled, I could tell she was mad at me, but this time, it was different, she was beyond mad, she was furious.

"You are going to have to change your attitude Edward or we are going to have some serious problems." She said through clenched teeth. Before I could say anything in response, she stormed out of the door slamming it behind her.

That is the biggest problem in our house, no communication. No way to show our feelings without getting angry. It is just like me and Alice. There is no talking to Alice unless it is through screaming and shouting.

The front door slammed shut and then I could hear the engine of my mother's car purr to life. Yes run away just like everyone else does. If this is how it is going to be in this house until I graduate high school, I don't know how I am going to survive.

As I walk towards Jeff's, resentment bubbles up in me threatening to make me explode. I resent my mother for not being there when I need her. I resent Alice for being such a bitch to me. And most of all I resent my father for walking out on us. Trying hard to focus on my breathing, I remind myself that relief was just a few steps away.

Knocking briskly, impatience swam through me as I wait for Jeff to come to the door.

"What's up man?" Jeff asks when he opens the door stepping aside to let me in.

"I'm early man. I'm sorry. I just had to get the fuck out of my house." Shrugging my jacket off, I sat down on the couch.

"No problem. I know how it is with the parentals. They blow hard sometimes. I need to get dressed. Make yourself at home." Jeff's parents are just as fucked up as mine and Charlotte's. They're always trying to get him to do the right thing. By doing the right thing, they mean do it their way. Jeff's right, parents suck.

My leg began to bounce after I sat for a moment. I need a drink, bad. "Jeff, do you mind if I make myself something to drink?"

"Sure." Jeff replied as I made my way into the kitchen. He always had anything you could ever want. Vodka, whiskey or beer, it didn't matter. Beer isn't really something I like the taste of, so I opted for the whiskey and a coke.

Jeff came into the kitchen pulling out a beer. Before his first swallow, I watch as he pops a pill in his mouth washing it down with a swig of beer.

"Man you are worst than a jack rabbit on crack. Here take this. This will calm you down." In Jeff's outstretched palm lay a small oval blue pill.

Without even thinking I snatch the pill from his hand and swallow it. Turning up my drink, I gulp it down greedily washing down the little pill.

"That's what I like about you Cullen. You know how to do it and do it right!" Jeff bumped my shoulder with his fist as he congratulates me on downing the pill.

We sat and played video games until the girls show up. Charlotte seems to be bouncing off the wall in anticipation of our little adventure tonight, but her demeanor tells me that she is more edgy than normal. There is a glint of anger in her eyes leading me to believe that something more is going on. She is normally really good at hiding her emotions, but right now I can see more than ever before.

Bella on the other hand looks down right pale. Her eyes look bloodshot like she has been crying. Distress clouds her normally serene features and her body seems rigid and stiff. Standing at the back door looking out into the darkness, her arms are wrapped around her upper body in an obvious attempt to comfort herself.

Jeff jumped up when the phone rang startling me out of my observations. After he hangs up, he turns to us explaining that Mitchell is running a little behind from the errand he had to run and that he will be here shortly.

Bella turns to me with a tortured expression on her face. Her mouth opens and closes several times before she finally speaks. "Edward." She chokes out before clearing her throat to try again. "Can I speak to you in private?"

"Bella don't." Charlotte hisses, looking over a Bella with fire in her eyes. Charlotte has been angry at Bella before, but this is different. I just can't put my finger on it.

Bella shakes her head at what Charlotte said without taking her eyes off me. "Please Edward." She opens the door that she has been staring out of and walks out into the cool night air.

Looking over at Charlotte, I can tell she is irritated about me talking to Bella, apparently not wanting Bella to say whatever it is she has to say to me.

Never before have I been put in the position of choosing between Bella and Charlotte. If it came down to it, I am not sure who I would choose between. They are both my friends. Because of my feelings toward Charlotte, I was torn on what to do. But Bella is still my friend so I follow her outside.

As soon as I close the door, the quietness of the outside surrounds us. Bella's back is to me, her shoulders slumped forward like mine do when I feel defeated.

Moving closer a twig snaps under my foot gaining Bella's attention. She turns to me with tears in her eyes, silently streaming down her face. Never before have I seen Bella cry. The thought of it made me uneasy and uncomfortable.

"What's wrong Bella?" There is something warring in her eyes that I didn't understand. I had never seen her like this and I had no idea how to handle it.

"Don't do it Edward. Please. Don't go with them tonight." Bella clasps her hands in front of her like she is begging.

"Do what Bella?" I am not sure what she is talking about. My mind is beginning to fog over from the alcohol and whatever Jeff gave me. Thank the stars that they are finally starting to work.

"I tried to tell Charlotte. I tried to tell her it is dangerous. She got mad at me. I knew she would. But I tried. My father has told me about kids doing this. He came across an accident one night where one of the kids was trying exactly what you are going to do tonight. They died Edward. Do you understand what I'm saying? They died." Bella said the last part so low that I could barely hear her.

Before I could respond she looks into my eyes pleading with them, her hands reached out like she wants to touch me much like my mother had earlier. She clasps them together tight in front of her bringing them to her chest like she is beginning to pray. "I don't want anything to happen to you. You mean too much to me. You both do. Please don't do it. Please."

"Listen, Bella. I'm not even sure what we're going to do tonight, but I'm not backing out. It will be fine I promise." Jeff still hasn't explained what exactly car surfing is, but it didn't matter to me as long as it involved having fun.

"You don't understand Edward. This isn't like some ride at an amusement park. There are no safety belts or harnesses. You won't have some air mattress to catch you. It will be the asphalt you hit with nothing to protect you." Bella's voice rose at the end making her sound desperate.

"Chill out Bella. Just come with us and you will see." She was beginning to sound like my mother and I didn't want to think of Bella like that.

Bella started shaking her head back and forth. "No. No. I can't. I've watched you hurt yourself in so many ways, but there is no way I can watch you do this. I have to go. I'll be here when you get back." Her voice broke at the end and what sounded like a sob came from Bella as she turned to walk away. I just stood there and watched as she disappeared into the darkness.

When I walked back inside, I found Mitchell sitting on the couch rolling a joint while Jeff sat beside him watching him work.

Charlotte looked at me questioningly. "Where's Bella?"

I shrugged. "She left. Said she would be here when we get back." There is no way I am going to tell them what she said. Charlotte already knew, but Jeff and Mitchell didn't. If they knew, their attitude might change towards her. Even though I thought she was being silly, I didn't want to do anything that would make them not want her to come back.

Frowning to myself, I couldn't shake what she had said. What really bothered me was how frightened she seemed for me. I had never seen anyone so concerned for me besides my mother. But it wasn't a motherly gesture when she said those words to me.

_I don't want anything to happen to you. You mean too much to me._

Between the arguments I had with my mom earlier and now Bella, my mind is swimming. So many emotions that I don't understand are swamping me. I try so hard to keep feelings like this from getting to me. The more I feel, the worse it all hurts.

"Let's go guys. We've got some car surfing to do. Grab some drinks Jeff. Charlotte, what about some driving music for me?" Mitchell winked at her then looked at me with a gleam in his eye. "You ready Cullen?"

All thoughts of Bella, my mother and everything else left my head. "Damn straight!"

Once we are in the car, Mitchell started playing the _Metallica_ cd Charlotte had picked out. _When Nothing Else_ matters flooded the car, we all sang along. The song is so fitting for all of us.

_Never cared for things they say_

_Never cared for games they played_

_I never cared for what they do_

_I never cared for what they know_

_And I know, yeah yeah yeah_

Mitchell heads out of town down some of the side roads. The music continues to blare drowning out anything else that tries to pop into my head. When he came to a long stretch way, he pulls the car over. Popping the top on a beer, Mitchell pops a pill in his mouth chasing it down with the beer.

By this time, I am completely relaxed. Between the pill from earlier, the drinks I had consumed and to top it all off the joint we smoked on the way here, I am buzzing.

"Okay so this is how it works." Mitchell turns to face us and starts explaining what car surfing really is and how it works. A thrill ran through me at the thought of what he is describing. To be free and unrestrained like that is exciting to say the least.

Glancing towards Charlotte, I can tell that she is just as excited as I am. She isn't afraid or scared. Not like Bella. Bella was terrified when she was talking to me, and now I know why. Her father had told her what this was warning her I'm sure. But I'm not Bella and he's not my father.

"I'm going first guys. When I did this a couple of weeks ago, I haven't been able to stop thinking about doing it again. We almost got caught that night and had to stop our little party early. So I'm going first that way you can see how to hold on. The most important thing is to stay out of the driver's line of sight. Oh and not fall off." Mitchell smirks at us before stepping out of the car.

Jeff drove while Mitchell took his turn. Practically bouncing in my seat like a girl, I couldn't wait for my turn. When I saw the speedometer hit seventy five my heart lurched into my throat but I pushed it back down. I wasn't going to let fear stop me from doing something like this. This is going to be awesome.

Mitchell drove next while giving Jeff a turn. Charlotte and I decided to do it together the first time which is cool with Jeff because he wants to do it by himself his first time. Again the speedometer went way over to the right as I watch Jeff through the windshield.

When it is time for Charlotte and I to do our thing, we both are about ready to bounce off the interior of the car. We climb out of the back seat stepping out into the cool air. Metallica is still booming from the stereo. Wherever I May Roam starts rocking as we get into position. My hands find something to grip on and I lock my fingers so tight I'm sure my knuckles are turning white.

Mitchell starts to drive slowly giving us a chance to adjust to the sensation of riding on the outside of the car. As the car picks up speed, my body is humming with awareness of everything that is happening. The air is rushing by us at an almost alarming speed with no buffer between us and the air. My hair is blowing back as if I am in a wind tunnel. My cheeks feel like they are being pushed back by some unknown force. My skin is chilled from the cold even though my body heat is escalated from the rush of what we are doing.

The landscape is flying by at a dizzying speed making it look like a big blur. Either from the car ride or all the drugs in my system, I feel like I am flying. Looking over at Charlotte I can see that she is feeling the same way. She turns and looks at me while I am looking at her, and the smile she gives me takes my breath away.

This was the most carefree I had felt in ages. All of the shit that has been nagging at me for so long seemed to blow away with the wind for a bit. The only thing that is on my mind at the moment is Charlotte.

Charlotte and I are alike in so many ways that it feels like we are meant to be together. We both have a fucked up family life. We both are into the same stuff. The more I think about it, the more I knew we are right for each other.

Throughout the night, we each take a turn riding out on the hood. The feeling is exhilarating. It is nothing like I had ever done before and I knew if I had the chance that I would do it again.

We cruise around for a while as we smoke another one. Sitting in the back Charlotte and I are leaning against each other laughing. I'm not sure if it was the car surfing or the drugs that made me brave, but I decided to kiss Charlotte. I knew there was no way that I could tell her how I felt so I decided to just kiss her.

While these thoughts are running through my head, I am staring at Charlotte trying to figure out what to do. I figure the kissing part would be easy, I just didn't know how to go about it. Should I grab her arms and pull her to me or should I try to hug her and do it. I'm not sure, this the first time that I had ever thought about kissing another girl and had no idea how to do it.

Charlotte turned to me and when she did I just acted. I grabbed her face and pulled it to mine. In my rush our teeth clanked together. My lips pressed hard against hers. Thinking I should use my tongue, I push it into her mouth tasting her. It all lasts about a minute before Charlotte pushes me away.

"What the fuck are you doing Edward? Why did you do that?" Charlotte whispered yelled at me taking the back of her hand wiping her mouth off.

"I…I was trying to kiss you." My mind was reeling with the kiss we just shared. It was awkward, but that was the first time that I had ever kissed a girl like that.

Charlotte pushed her hair back from her face. "Well don't do it again."

"I lo…like you Charlotte. I mean…I really like you." The word love almost slips out, which I'm not sure what scares me more, the thought of saying it, or actually meaning it. But it seems like love to me. She is the only one that I thought could really understand me. We could understand each other.

"We can't do this right now Edward." Charlotte's eyes dart from mine to the occupants in the front seat. Oh, I see now. She didn't want to do this in front of an audience.

"I see. We can talk about it later." I want to hold her hand, but she has taken her arms and wrapped them around herself like she was cold.

When we turn into the neighborhood, Charlotte asks if they could drop her off at her house. The moment the car stops, she slings the door open rushing out before I could say a word to her. It is late so I figured she might be tired. Coming down from the alcohol and the last joint we smoked, I am tired myself.

As we pull into Jeff's driveway, I can see a small figure sitting on his porch, hunched over with their head resting on their knees. The second the lights flash across the figure, their head pops and I see it is Bella.

Mitchell put the car in park without cutting the engine, turning in his seat to look at me. "Cullen, it's been fun, but Jeff and I have another party to go to. But hey, you come by tomorrow and I'll share with you what I picked up on my little errand today. Cool."

"Yea. Cool." As I exit the car, all I can think about is where I can go. Even though Mitchell and Jeff are dumping me, it doesn't mean the night is over and I have to go home. That is the last place I want to be.

Mitchell and Jeff drive off leaving me alone with Bella. Her eyes are swollen slightly and rimmed with red. The thought of her crying unnerves me slightly, causing the hair to stand up on the back of my neck. She is my friend, why shouldn't I be worried about her.

"Hey." We both stood there in the dark, I was the first to break the silence.

"Hey back." A small smile flits around her mouth but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"Where did Jeff and Mitchell take off to? Where is Charlotte?"

"Charlotte went home. Jeff and Mitchell went to another party. Guess I wasn't invited." I shrugged. "What are you going to do?"

"Guess I'll go home." Bella answered, shrugging her shoulders in return.

"Do you mind if I come? I don't want to go home."

"Of course you can come to my house." This time when she smiles I can see it in her eyes. "My mom loves you, you know that. You can stay in the guest bedroom." Bella grips her hands hard together turning her finger tips red with the pressure. "I uh…I want to tell to you something. Maybe we can talk."

"Sure. Later. 'Cause I'm ready to pass out right now." That is only part of it. Bella seemed nervous about talking to me, and that made me nervous too. If I can put it off a little longer, that will be fine with me.

Bella nods in response then grabs my hand tugging me along with her. The gesture surprises me, but I don't let go as she leads us through the neighborhood to her house. Her house is dark as she guides us through to the guest bedroom that I know is across the hall from hers.

Bella steers me to the bed helping me to sit down. Kneeling down in front of me, she unlaces and removes my shoes before helping me to lie down. She pulls the blanket from the end of the bed over me, taking the time to tuck me in. The whole time I am watching her; unsure of what to think of about how she is treating me. In one way, it is something like a mother would do to a child, but it didn't really feel that way. It was more of a friendly action than anything.

Reaching out, Bella's hand brushed the hair back from my forehead. Like slow motion, I watch as she bends down, placing a lingering kiss on my brow. "Get some sleep Edward. I'll check on you in the morning." Bella stands from the bed making her way to the door.

My eyes start to close of their own accord, my body is coming down and I know that I'm on the verge of passing out. Just before I fall asleep, I thought I heard Bella say something.

"Thank you for bringing him home to me."

**A/N: This was a hard chapter to write. I hope that I portrayed it all well enough so that you can see all of the emotions he is going through. I don't have a beta, so forgive me for any mistakes. Please review and let me know what you think.**

**I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can. It will be in Edward's POV.**


	6. Uncomfortably Numb

**This story is rated for mature audiences only. There are drugs, alcohol, and adult themes in this story. Do not read if you are under 17! Please do not try any of this at home! This is a sad story, but it will have a happily ever after.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story is mine.**

**Thanks to Cullenfan524 for reviewing ever chapter so far. Your reviews let me know that I must be doing something right.**

**Please read and review.**

Chapter 6: Uncomfortably Numb

When I woke up, the light from the window made me groan in protest. I knew I couldn't be at my house in my bed, because I had black out drapes in my room to block out the light. After my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized I was at Bella's house in her guest bedroom.

Slowly, the night before unfolded in my head, like a movie projector flickering scenes across the screen reminding me of all the things we had done. A huge smile came across over my face, but the action made my head hurt. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the brightness of the light filling the room and will my headache away.

Each part of last night began to fill my head. The car surfing was the most intense thing I had ever done. The feeling of riding on the hood of a car at seventy five miles an hour with no restraints was absolutely the most freeing thing I had ever done. I know I should have been scared, but really that was the last thing on my mind. That was the whole point of doing it, to forget about everything else, just for a little while.

Then as I remembered that Charlotte was out there doing it with me, my mind started replaying our kiss. I wonder if it was as awkward for her as it was me, then idly I wanted to know if she had done it before with anyone else. If so, I'm not sure if I want to know. I've never seen her with another boy before, so I'm hoping that I'm the first.

The kiss may have been clumsy with our teeth clashing together, but when our tongues touched, I could taste the alcohol and smoke on her, and it made it all seem right. My only regret was not waiting until we were alone. She probably pushed me off of her because the guys were watching. Next time, I'll know better.

That leads me up to being here. I didn't want to go home last night to possibly face another battle with my mother. She would have been able to tell that I was fucked up and I didn't want to have another yelling match with her.

When Bella agreed to let me come home with her it eased the anxiety I had felt at the thought of going home. But then Bella had to say she wanted to talk to me and it made me nervous for a different reason. What could Bella have to say to me? The car surfing ordeal was over, so there was no reason for her to say anything else about that and I had already decided that when we went again, I wasn't going to mention it to her. And I was definitely going to do it again.

My bladder started to scream in protest from not going to the bathroom all night after drinking all that alcohol, so I made my way into the en suite bathroom. After relieving myself, I walked back into the bedroom to find Bella sitting on the edge of the bed. As I made my way over to sit down, I noticed that she had brought a tray of food with her. My stomach growled in response. There were eggs, bacon and toast along with juice and water, and a bottle of aspirin. She must have known I was going to have a headache.

"Thank you for the food." Nodding towards the tray I eyed it wearily. Even though I was hungry, I was still leery. Bella's mom was not known for her cooking. On more than one occasion, we had joked that we weren't exactly sure what we were eating. I could remember many times that Charlie would take one look at what was on the stove and order us a pizza. I had a lot of good times at Bella's house.

Figuring the pills were safe, I reached out grabbing the pill bottle first to retrieve two aspirin, downing them with some juice. The juice eased my dry throat from all that we had smoked the night before.

"You're welcome Edward. And don't worry, I cooked it." Bella could see that I was eyeing the food suspiciously and answered my unspoken question with a smile. "How are you feeling?" Bella's hands started twisting in her lap nervously.

"I'm fine." Sitting on the bed, I leaned back against the headboard. Grabbing the tray, I set on my lap immediately scooping in a mouthful of eggs. Bella was a great cook. Better than anything I ever got around my house. The thought made me frown.

Bella never spoke while I ate. She wasn't looking at me, making a point not to make eye contact with me at all. I wasn't sure what was making me more nervous, the fact that she was so quiet or that she was so nervous. When I was finished, I set the tray to the side. Finally she looked at me with an anxious look on her face.

"Edward, I have to tell you something." Her voice was low, almost inaudible. She cleared her throat in an obvious attempt to speak louder. "You don't have any idea how hard it is for me to tell you this. But I have to. I need to. You have to know."

There was a long pause before she began again. "I care for you. I care about what happens to you. I don't want you to think that you don't have someone out there who cares for you and worries about you. I do." She paused again. "You mean so much to me. More than I could ever explain. I thought about it a lot. I thought that maybe if you knew that you had someone who cared for you that you wouldn't do the things that you do."

She looked at me then, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

"Bella."

"No. Please let me finish. If I stop now, if I don't say it, I never will."

Bella reached out and took my hands in hers.

"I love you Edward. You are more than just my friend. I want you to be safe. Last night when I begged you not to go with them, I was so scared for you. When you came back, I was so relieved to see you. I knew then that I had to tell you that I loved you. I realized that you probably felt like you had no one. If you knew someone loved you, maybe you wouldn't take such risks. It scares me enough about the drugs, but last night was too much. You just can't do that again."

Love. Bella loves me.

She inched closer running her hands up my arms resting them on my shoulders.

"I…I love you."

Bella closed the distance between us pressing her lips gently to mine. Her lips were soft against mine, tasting of strawberries. It wasn't like the rushed rough kiss that Charlotte and I shared. This kiss with Bella was tender and filled with an emotion that I didn't understand.

She ran her hands into my hair, running her fingers lightly over my scalp. Slowly she climbed into my lap, straddling me. Tilting her head to the side, she tries to deepen the kiss, but before she can, I grip her upper arms and push her back.

The moment our eyes met, I could see my rejection of her all over her face. Eyes wide with what looks like shame, face flush from I guess embarrassment of what she had just done, and her lips red and swollen from the kiss. I knew I had hurt her. But I couldn't let the kiss to continue because of what I felt for Charlotte. It wasn't fair to either one them considering my feelings for them and our friendship.

"Listen Bella. I should tell you that last night…I kissed Charlotte." There was no easy way for me to say, so I just told the truth.

Bella's look of shame turned in to stony silence. She turned her head to the window, away from me where I couldn't see her face. "You kissed her."

"Yes." I wanted to see her face. I had never felt guilty for hurting anyone before, but the thought of hurting Bella was washing over me in waves.

"I knew you had feelings for her." Bella said after more silence.

"I…l…like her. I really like her. She understands me." The word love almost slipped out. Love was a foreign feeling to me so I wasn't sure what it meant, but I knew what I felt for Charlotte was more than friendship.

More silence. The only sound that could be heard in the room was our breathing. Bella's was shallow and occasionally I could hear her sniffle. She still was staring out the window hiding her face from me.

"You're my friend Bella. I don't want to hurt you." But I knew that I was hurting her the way my parents had hurt me. What I was doing to Bella was no different. I knew with every word I was saying that I was hurting her. But I couldn't stop. Just as Bella felt compelled to spill her heart to me, I needed to do the same.

"Bella. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me. I still want to be your friend. I want us all to be friends. My feelings for Charlotte won't change that." It was lame, but I didn't know what else to say.

Taking the pads of her fingers, Bella wiped under her eyes. Before turning back to face me, she took a deep breath releasing it slowly. When she did face me, her face was wiped clean of all her emotions. She had shut down. I knew, because I had done it myself so many times before.

Reaching out my hand, I wanted to touch her, to comfort her. When I looked down, it was trembling, and I pulled it back before I touched her. It was then that I realized why my mother and even Bella had reached out to me then pulled back before they could touch me. How do you comfort someone when you don't know how to?

There was nothing else I could say or do. At this point, I knew no matter what I did, that I would hurt her. Before I made a bad situation worse, I figured the best thing I could do was leave.

"Bella, I should go. Call me later and we'll meet at Jeff's. Okay. I need to go home and take a shower. I'm sure my mom is freaking out because I didn't come home last night." I made my way off the bed and put my shoes on. Bella hadn't said a word and had turned back to looking out the window.

"Will you call?" The fact that she hadn't answered bothered me.

"I think I'm supposed to go out with my parents for dinner tonight. If not…well…I'll see."

She was lying. I knew she was lying. Her parents had a standing date with some of Charlie's buddies for game night on Saturday night. Bella was always free to do whatever she wanted to do. Her parents trusted her. I wasn't going to push her though. I knew too well what she was feeling.

"Okay. Whatever." I sounded like a petulant child and that made me mad. Standing up, I made my way to the door, with one last look back at Bella, I walked out.

On my way home, I became angry. I was angry at myself for hurting her. She put her feelings out like that to me and I crushed them down, and her. Not only had I felt the same way because of the way my parents had treated me, but I knew how shy Bella was and how reserved she was when it came to her feelings. It took a lot for her to say those things to me.

When I walked in the back door, I could hear the television in the living room. I closed the door quietly behind me so I wouldn't be heard. Making my way to bedroom without being seen, I entered my bathroom to take a much needed shower. Hopefully it would cleanse away more than the smoke and alcohol from my body.

The shower did nothing for my sour mood. The more I thought about Bella, the worst I felt. How could I do to her what I hated being done to me? She was my friend, and I just threw it all away. Tossed her feelings aside like they were nothing. I knew how that felt too. But I had to tell her about Charlotte. If she had found out from someone other than me, then that would have been much worst.

Just as I pulled my t shirt over my head, my mother stormed into my room. By the look in her eyes, we were in for a fight. She was already angry with me because of the things I had said yesterday. Since I didn't come home last night, I was sure that just added fuel to the fire.

"Where were you last night Edward? Why didn't you come home? I was worried sick about you. It's bad enough that you stay messed up all the time, but at least you come home."

The way I felt the last thing I needed was her trying to act like the caring and loving mother. My foul mood just turned atomic.

"It's none of your fucking business where I was last night. When you don't come home, I don't start jumping down your throat asking where you were."

"You're not the adult in this situation Edward. I'm the parent, not you."

The idea of that made me snort in disgust. Her eyes narrowed at me, looking like slits of fire.

"You have to stop this. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Or to me for that matter. If you don't stop, I will be forced to do something about it. I am not giving up on you. I will not let you throw your life away. You are my son."

"Your son." I shouted at her. "That's fucking rich. Whose son am I? Dad's? He fucking left. He didn't want to be my father anymore. Yours? You're never home. I'm no one's son."

"That's not true. We love you." Her eyes weren't burning with anger anymore, they were burning with tears.

"You have a funny way of showing it. There's no we remember. There's no family anymore. We were once, but you and Dad threw it all away!" My throat burned from the screaming. For so long I had wanted to say these things to her. I realized that I wanted to hurt her the way she had hurt me.

"I'm calling your father. I can't do this alone." She threw her arms up in the air.

"He is not my father. I don't want him here. If you call him, I'll fucking run." She turned away from me much like Bella had this morning. "You'll never see me again." I screamed at her as she walked out.

There was no time to waste. I had to get out of the house before my father showed up. I grabbed my jacket threw on some shoes and started for the door. The moment I stepped out into the hall, I could hear her on the phone with my father. My mother was crying so it made it hard to understand what she was saying, but I could make out enough to know that she was asking him to come and help her.

Instead of going through the house, I went back to my room and crawled out the window. There was only one place that I knew I could go and that was Jeff's. There was no way that I wanted anybody to know I was there, so I did my best not to be seen.

Jeff was still in his sweat pants that I knew he slept in when he let me in the door. He told me that him and Mitchell hadn't gotten home until almost dawn and they were exhausted. Before he went back to sleep, he told me to make myself comfortable and said that when they got up, they had something for me.

I went into the kitchen, made myself a glass of water and chugged it trying to wash the bad taste out of my mouth. When that didn't work, I made myself a strong whiskey and coke. Nothing it seemed would help. Finally, I just went and passed out on the couch.

I'm not sure how long I slept, but was awakened when I heard _Pink Floyd's "The Wall"_ beginning to drift out of the speakers. Funny my first thought was of Bella, wondering if she was here manning the stereo. When I looked over it was Jeff I saw instead.

Jeff grinned a big toothy grin when he saw that I was awake. "Sleeping beauty awakes. Hey man. How you feeling?" When I just shrugged, he continued. "Well I have something to take your mind off all your problems. I'm just setting the mood before we get started."

At first I was confused, and then I remembered what Jeff and Mitchell said about what Mitchell had picked up when he was out on his errand yesterday. It was my turn to give a big toothy grin when I thought of all my worries going away.

Looking around the room, I saw Charlotte's stuff in the corner, but didn't see her anywhere. At that moment, Mitchell and Charlotte walked in together. They were smiling at each other in a way that I didn't understand. When she glanced over at me she frowned, but her eyes look as if they were darkened with anger.

Jeff is our d j for the evening. Bella hasn't showed up, called or anything. When I asked Charlotte if she had talked with Bella or knew where she was, she simply responded with a 'what do you care' smart ass answer. Charlotte started ignoring me then and I never got a chance to ask what she meant. I wanted to try and get Charlotte alone so I could talk to her not only about last night, but about the fact that I had told Bella, but I never had the opportunity. After I kissed her in front of Jeff and Mitchell last night, I knew better than to do anything else to embarrass her.

Mitchell made his way over to the couch, sitting down, I watched as he pulled out the drugs that he had picked up yesterday. He begins tells me and Charlotte about the party that he and Jeff went to last night, how they showed him what to do and how to do it. He explains it all in great detail as he prepares the syringe. Then I watch as he injects himself before he does it to each of us.

Since then, time has completely escaped me. I'm not sure how long I have been sitting here staring at the little bars as they go up and down up and down along with the music that is playing. It's funny that _Pink Floyd_ is singing about his hands feeling just like two balloons. At this moment my body feels like it could just float away. Blissfully I sit back and enjoy the fact that my mind is blank.

The only thing I can feel is that I am thirsty as fuck and I have to piss like a race horse. Jeff is studying the stereo like it is some science experiment and never noticed me leaving the room.

When I walk out of the bathroom, I could hear soft moaning sounds and laughing coming from down the hall. Stumbling I follow the noise to a door that is slightly ajar. The voice I hear is unmistakably Charlotte's. When I look inside, the sight before me breaks through my drug induced haze.

Charlotte is on the bed with Mitchell. One of Mitchell's hands is up her skirt while the other is groping her breast. Charlotte is bucking against his hand kissing him roughly in return. One of her hands is palming him, rubbing him through his pants.

Charlotte turns to her head as Mitchell kisses up the side of her neck. When she sees me she starts yelling.

"What the fuck are you doing Edward? Get the fuck out of here."

"Yea Cullen, this is a party for two and you're not invited. Go hang out with Jeff." Mitchell goes back to kissing Charlotte forgetting that I'm even there. Charlotte turns her head away from me as she begins to buck against his hand again.

Quietly I close the door, turning to walk back down the hall. What I just witnessed seems so surreal to me that I can't seem to get my mind to process it. Somewhere in there I know that the girl that I think I'm in love with is with another boy doing the things that I wish I could do with her.

When I sit down on the couch, I see the needle and the drugs. All I can think about is that I don't want to think anymore. I want that feeling back again that I don't remember anything. I must be coming down because all these images are running rampant through my head. I can see Bella's anguished face when I rejected her, my mother's face as we argued this morning, and now Charlotte's body reacting to Mitchell's hands on her.

I just want to forget again. I watched what Mitchell did earlier. It didn't look that difficult. I could do it myself. Jeff's passed out in front of the stereo, so I'm not going to ask him. He'll know something is wrong and I don't feel like explaining to him that his brother is about to fuck Charlotte and how much that bothers me.

Fuck it. I can do it myself. Slowly I repeat what Mitchell had done. Once I am finished, I inject it in the same place where he had done it before. There is no pain, just a warm sensation running up my arm.

All at once a cold sweat breaks out across my forehead, on the back of my neck, down my spine. The warmth is replaced by a coldness that starts rushing through my body. My mind is suddenly aware that this is not the same feeling that I had before. Before I can even acknowledge that there is a problem out loud, my stomach rolls and I start to vomit. Then the world as I know it turns black.

**A/N: A little of a cliff hanger for you. Please review and let me know what you think. A lot of people have this story on alert, so come on, review. It only takes a minute. I don't have a beta, so forgive any mistakes. If anyone is interested in being my beta on this story, just send me a message. I'll get the next chapter out as fast as I can.**


	7. Why Now

**This story is rated for mature audiences only. There are drugs, alcohol, and adult themes in this story. Do not read if you are under 18! Please do not try any of this at home! This is a sad story, but it will have a happily ever after, eventually. This chapter will start out in the future, have a flashback, and then end in the future again. **

**Just to clarify, Edward and Bella are 29 years old. He was 14 when he started using and has been sober for 15 years. Jasper is 34 and Alice is 31.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story is mine.**

**Please read and review. Thank you to all of those who have. Special thanks to Cullenfan524 and faniac who have reviewed every chapter. Your reviews let me know I must be doing something right.**

**Chapter 7: Why Now**

BPOV

"_Uh…Bella…Hey. This is Edward. Um…Edward Cullen. I wanted…I just called to say…Listen. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. About Charlotte. I know what she meant to you. I wanted…no I needed to tell you that. I wanted to talk to you before the funeral. I hoped maybe I could talk to you before then. Well, if you get this message, call me. Please. My number is 426-7399. Please call me."_

I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here staring at my answering machine like it is some monster that is going to attack. I know I should be getting ready, but I can't seem to move, can't seem to break through the numbness that has washed over me since I heard the message. The message from him.

_Edward. _Even thinking his name causes a squeeze around my heart and my chest to tighten.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was that it was too sunny outside, too bright and too beautiful of a day to be going to a funeral for my best friend. My only friend.

It was a long time before I fell asleep last night. Images that were long forgotten, that I had tried to bury, were resurfacing, drowning me, dragging me under. What little sleep I had had been fitful and restless doing more damage than good because the images seemed more real than dreamlike.

Finally I figured no mo matter how much I didn't want face the day, I had to. Going through the motions of showering and getting dressed for the funeral, I knew would do little to calm me, but would move this day forward whether I wanted it to or not.

Turning on the water as hot as I could stand, I stepped under the spray. The shower did little to relieve my tension. My muscles were knotted and achy from trying so hard to hold myself together.

_Just a little while longer._

As I was drying myself off, the phone rang. I tried to get to it before the machine picked it up, figuring it was Charlotte's mom making sure there was nothing else to be done before visitation started this afternoon. She had relied on me to help with the funeral arrangements, the flowers for the casket and even the clothes for Charlotte to wear.

When the machine picked it up, I was actually relieved that for another few moments I had some more time to myself. It was becoming more and more difficult to hold myself together. That was, until I heard _his_ voice, sounding out, loud and clear through the room as if he was standing right here beside me. His voice seemed deeper now, I guess with age, but still, I would know that voice anywhere. It was a voice that constantly haunted my dreams, sometimes my nightmares.

Pressing my fingers against my eyes, I willed myself not to cry. It would not do any good to breakdown now. I had to be strong not only for myself, but for Charlotte's parents. Just a little while longer, I continued to chant in my head. Once this is all over, I will have one less thing to worry about. But that does not ease my mind.

My shield has been my protection for so long. The shield, that I had built up like a huge wall, encasing my heart, to protect myself from more pain and heartbreak all those years ago. Fifteen years ago to be exact. Still though, no matter how thick my shield was or how close I held it to me, things slipped by.

All those years ago, I had forced myself to bury my feelings deep inside, never to reveal to anyone how I really felt. Nor would I ever allow myself to feel anything that I knew would eventually hurt me. Never again would I give anyone the chance to break me like I had been broken. There was no way I would allow myself to be hurt the way I was hurt before. The pain was more than I could bear again.

I can remember like it was yesterday when I knew that I had to protect my heart, my very soul, from anymore damage.

~*~

_There was an overwhelming need in me to tell Edward my feelings for him. Somehow I had convinced myself that if he knew that I loved him, cared about him and what happened to him, that he would stop the self destructive path that he was traveling down._

_After I heard them talking about going car surfing, I panicked. At first I approached Charlotte, hoping against hope that if I could persuade her, that she would help me convince Edward. That was a huge mistake, one of many that I had and would make concerning Charlotte and Edward._

"_I don't care what you say Bella. It's not that big of a deal. I'm doing it no matter what you say. Don't ruin this for me. Or for him. He needs this like I do." Charlotte snapped at me._

"_It is a big deal. You could both get killed. And I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want him to get hurt. I love you both so much." My voice cracked at the end._

"_You need to realize Bella that not all of us can be as good as you and still be happy. People like me and Edward, we need to do things like this because it is the only thing that can make us happy." Charlotte's words were laced with sarcasm and hate. It wasn't the first time that she had said something like that to me and I knew it wouldn't be the last._

_When I knew that Charlotte wasn't going to be any help, I forced to realize that I would have to face Edward alone. Talking to him, begging him hadn't gone any better than it did with Charlotte. For the first time, I walked away from him when he had asked me to stay. But there was no way that I could watch him get hurt._

_I waited for them to come back. Each second I sat there, dread filled me, consumed me making me fear the worst. The more I sat there, the more I convinced myself that I would tell him how I felt. Maybe if he knew that he was loved, then he might not make the rash decisions he made._

_When they pulled in the driveway, only Edward emerged from the car which made my heart take a sudden leap into my throat worrying that Charlotte had been hurt. Edward told me she had already gone home, which I thought was strange, but when it comes to Charlotte, nothing surprised me. Later I found out that she had met back up with Mitchell and Jeff to go to a party._

_Edward didn't want to go home, so I offered to let him stay at my house and I could tell that he was relieved, but when I told him that I needed to talk to him, I could see the tension return. He asked me to wait until later stating he was tired and I didn't object because that gave me more time to gather the strength to tell him what I wanted to say._

_The next morning, I made him breakfast, waiting until he was finished to talk to him. The anticipation of opening myself up to Edward was making me nervous. I could tell that he was nervous too._

_Telling him went much worse than I had thought it would. I had always believed that if he knew how I felt that he would see it as pity instead of love and that would make him mad. I also thought that he would never feel for me the way he felt for Charlotte. Unfortunately I was right about that part._

_The words came easier than I thought they would. It seemed so natural telling him that I cared for him and that I loved him. And when I was finished, I decided that I would kiss him to show him that my love was not pity, and not just friendship, but my true feelings._

_Cautiously I kissed him, pressing my lips to his. His lips were soft and seemed to fit perfectly with mine. Slowly I crawled into his lap running my fingers into his hair like I had longed to do. As I began to deepen the kiss, he didn't respond, instead he pushed me away. Rejection, disappointment and shame coursed through me, and I had to turn away so he wouldn't see the hurt in my eyes or the tears that were starting to fill them._

_Then he told me exactly what I had suspected since the first day Charlotte stepped into his life, he liked her. He told me that she understood him and without him saying I knew that he felt like they were alike. Silently I wondered if he knew that she didn't understand herself and she wasn't capable of loving herself much less him. Deep down I knew that it wasn't her that attracted him, but the things she did. But I just couldn't argue with him at that moment because I didn't have the strength._

_He left when he was finished. He asked if I would come to Jeff's that night, but I made up a lame excuse because I knew that I couldn't face him, not yet, not until I could be around him and have my feelings under control. I could tell that he was angry, but I wasn't sure why and couldn't find it in me to care or ask._

_My tears fell freely once he was gone. The feeling of rejection was something that I had never experienced before and was something that I knew I never wanted to feel again. I had never hurt like this before, but of course I had never loved before. And considering what I had just happened, I still loved him. _

_There was an inexplicable pull that I felt towards him, and had since the first time I had truly become aware of him. Something tugged at my heart and my soul, drawing me to him. It didn't matter that he didn't want me the way that I wanted him or that there would probably never be a chance of us being together. There was just something inside me that was drawn to him, and I couldn't stop myself. _

_Showing affections and love in my family wasn't something that we did freely. My mother was more open with her affections and was a very touch feely person, but I shied away from the contact. I was more like my father, whom kept his feelings to himself. It was a wonder that my mother and him had stayed together as long as they had considering my father was so closed off, but she loved him the way he was. We knew how to love; we just didn't show it physically._

_So the first time I had ever tried to show my love to someone physically, I was rebuffed. Not only had Edward rejected my love, but he physically pushed me away as well. That brought on another type of hurt. Was I not good enough for him? Was I not pretty enough? So many questions ran through my head with what I thought was the only answer. It was me. I was not enough of anything for him._

_My mother came to check on me since I had been holed up in my room all day. She knew it wasn't like me. She knew that on the weekends I hung out with Edward and Charlotte. Even though my mother and father didn't approve of their choices, they trusted me and knew that I would never do what they did. My mother had always hoped that Edward and Charlotte would see that life could be good without drugs by my example. My hope was the same, but hopes are like wishes, they don't always come true._

_As soon as she asked me what was wrong, I broke down unable to handle these feelings by myself. Renee held me while I cried. Any other time I wouldn't let her do that, but this time I needed it. This time I needed to be held, because the one I really wanted to hold me, didn't want me. Since I had already opened myself up to the hurt, I told my mother everything. Told her that I loved Edward, that I expressed my feelings to him, how he had told me he cared for Charlotte and not me, not in the way I wanted him to anyway._

"_First loves are the hardest. I wish I could say it gets better. But it doesn't honey. Sometimes we never forget our first loves." Renee's analogy did little to soothe me, but I knew she was being honest._

_The day turned into night and the next few days went by in a blur. The stress of everything was just too much and my heart was broken. My parents left me alone for the most part. I could hear them arguing outside my door once, but I just covered my head with the pillow and ignored them. _

_While I was alone I resolved not to mention to Edward my feelings for him ever again. If he wanted to continue with our friendship, I would never say another word about my feelings for him, I would act as if nothing happened. No one was to blame but myself for loving someone like Edward. I should have known that I would never be enough for him to love. _

_On Tuesday, I finally came out of my room. This was supposed to be our spring break. Some holiday it turned out to be. When Renee tried to touch me this time, I rebuffed her and I could tell that it hurt her that I was pushing her away, but I couldn't stand anymore sympathy. She seemed nervous about something, but I didn't know why other than my self exile for the past couple of days._

_When I asked her if anyone had called, her posture tensed slightly then claimed no one had called. It surprised me that at least Charlotte hadn't tried to call. I wasn't sure if Edward meant what had he said about us still being friends or not, so I hadn't expected him to call, but still it was unlike Edward to go for so long without contacting me. _

_By the end of the week I had become frantic with worry after not receiving one phone call. Thoughts of them car surfing again and something happening crossed my mind, but I knew if one of them was hurt, someone would have at least called me and told me._

_When I called Charlotte's house, the machine picked up forcing me to leave a message. Because of the way Edward's sister Alice acted when I called his house, I put off calling there as long as I could. After leaving several messages at Charlotte's with no response, I called Jeff's hoping that possibly someone would be there. Panic really set in when I reached a recording stating that the number had been disconnected. _

_What the hell is going on?_

_When I told my mother that I was worried, she gave some vague excuse before she tensed up and left the room. This was so unlike her. My mother never turned down the opportunity to talk to me about my feelings and never seemed nervous about anything and I could feel it coming off her in waves._

_Finally when I hadn't heard anything from anyone by that night, I called Edward's house hoping on the off chance that he or even his mother might actually answer the phone instead of Alice. Sometimes I thought she hovered over that thing like a vulture hovers over road kill._

_Unfortunately, Alice answered the phone, and there was more annoyance in her voice than usual. "Hello."_

"_May I speak to Edward please?" Even though Alice was usually a bitch to me, I still tried to be polite._

"_Who is this?" Alice seethed into the phone._

"_Uh…This is Bella. Is Edward there?"_

_Alice inhaled sharply into the phone. "You've got a lot of nerve calling here. After every thing that has happened, I can't believe you would call here and ask to speak to him. Is this some kind of sick joke? Of course he's not here. He is still in the damn hospital." _

"_In the hospital." I mumbled into the phone as panic started to consume me. "What do you mean he's in the hospital? What happened to him? What's wrong with him?" _

_This was not what I expected to hear from her. I knew something had to be wrong. No returned phone calls, my parents acting weird and now Alice's behavior. Suddenly everything seemed to make sense in a bad, bad way. _

"_What's wrong with him? What's wrong with him? He almost died from a drug overdose that's what's wrong with him. He still hasn't woken up. Are you happy?" Alice hissed angrily at me._

"_I don't understand." Was the only thing my addled brain could come up with. _

"_What don't you understand? He almost died from a drug overdose. His heart stopped and they had to resuscitate him and now he is in a coma! It's all your fault. You and all those drug heads that he calls friends. What kind of friend lets someone do that? Couldn't you see that he needed help? Why didn't you ever do anything to stop him?" Alice was yelling at me so loudly the phone started to crackle with the noise._

_There was nothing I could say. She was right. Every single word was true. I had never really done anything to stop him. Sometimes I would voice my concern, but when he became angry with me, I stopped. Fear of losing him kept me from pushing to hard. Even my feeble attempt of trying to tell him that I loved him didn't stop him. It just pushed him away. And look what happened, he overdosed while I wasn't there. Maybe if I had been there, maybe I could have stopped him. If I had been there, maybe he wouldn't be in the hospital now._

_Eventually Alice tired of screaming at me, but I listened to the very end, every word she said until she slammed the phone down in my ear. Guilt consumed me stopping me from replying to her accusations. There was no way I could deny what she said, because it was all true. 'I was a terrible friend. I did nothing to stop him.' Alice's words played over and over in my head as I sat there with the phone in my hand still buzzing._

_This was how my mother and father found me. Instantly they were by my side asking me what was wrong. All I could do was say his name and that he was gone. My father picked me up and cradled me to his chest while he carried me to my room. My mother was walking behind him mumbling 'I told you she would find out. I knew we should have told her.'_

_It was a long time before I was able to quiet my sobs enough to speak. This was the first time that I could ever remember my father holding me this long or me allowing him to. Instead of shying away, I embraced it just like I had with my mother. I was falling apart and I needed someone to help hold me together._

_Replaying all that Alice said in my head to the time that my parents found me, there was something nagging at me, something pulling at my subconscious, trying to make me remember. _

_Then finally it hit me, what my mother had said. "You knew, didn't you? That's why you have been so nervous around me all week. You were afraid that I would find out about Edward." My voice was so low that I wasn't sure if they would hear me._

_Charlie and Renee shared a pained look before turning to me with such sympathy in their eyes that my eyes began to burn with tears again that I didn't think I would have anymore._

_Renee explained in great detail about what happened that night. They all were shooting up, Mitchell, Jeff, Charlotte and Edward. Edward had decided without the knowledge of the others to do it again. Mitchell had found Edward, surrounded by his own vomit, with his eyes rolled back in his head having a seizure. He immediately called 911, which the doctors had said that if they hadn't acted when they did, Edward would have died._

_Because of the fact it was an overdose, the police were notified and my father was the one who responded to the call. Mitchell and Jeff were both charged with drug possession and contributing to a minor. After their parents bailed them out of jail, Mitchell was sent back to college and was made to go to counseling, while Jeff was sent to rehab. The guest house was locked up, electricity and phone turned off, so that it could not be used by Jeff anymore._

_Charlotte wasn't charged with anything, but her parents shipped her off to a rehab out of state. Charlotte's mother told Renee, that once she went through the steps of the program at the rehab that she would be allowed communication with people from the outside, but it could be months before that would happen, depending on Charlotte's willingness to participate._

_Edward's heart had stopped like Alice said. The doctors revived him, but he had not regained consciousness as of yet. They believed that the coma was his body's way of recuperating from the shock, but only time would tell when he would wake up and if there was any brain damage._

_The entire time, Charlie sat there stoically with an irritated look on his face. He obviously didn't want me to know. Renee apologized over and over again for keeping it all from me while I said nothing at what I thought was a blatant disregard of my feelings. Charlie finally spoke after her apologies seemed to fall on deaf ears._

"_I wouldn't let her tell you. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me. You were already hurt by that boy, and I knew that this would only make things worse. I was trying to give you time to get over your feelings for him. I didn't know they ran this deep. I didn't realize you had fallen in love with Edward." _

_There was nothing I could say at that moment. My body was exhausted, along with my mind from trying to absorb all that had happened. Edward rejecting me and the love that I wanted to give him, the fact that he was now in a hospital fighting for his life was way more than I could deal with. Charlotte was gone for no telling how long not allowing me to have a friend to confide in or ask what happened. And to top it all off, my parents betrayed me by hiding something so important from me, even if they thought they were protecting me._

_Deep down I knew that this was more than I could handle. There was no way that I could deal with this type of hurt again. It was more than just shying away from feelings and being too nervous to be around people. This was about the hurt that people inflicted on you. Unconsciously my shield started that day._

~*~

It was a long time before I stopped looking for him. Every where I turned, I hoped that he would be there waiting for me like he did sometimes. I kept thinking it was all a bad dream and I would wake up and he would be there. But he never came back.

Once Charlotte was released from rehab, she was sent to a private academy for girls in Florida. She wrote me letters and called whenever she could. She told me everything that had happened, including Edward finding her with Mitchell. Over and over again she apologized for what happened with Edward, the kiss, the overdose. She said she didn't care for Edward the way he cared for her and said she would have never been with him because she knew how I felt for him and I was her only friend.

After the conversation I had with Alice and what my parents had told me, I never heard anything else about Edward. Only that he was alive, other than that I had no idea where he was or how he was. It was as if he had fallen off the face of the earth.

Now he is calling my house leaving me a message saying he wants to talk to me. It is too much. It is all too much. Charlotte. Edward. I am starting to crack under all these memories and feelings that are trying to resurface.

Taking deep breaths, I release each one slowly trying to compose myself. I had to calm down enough to get through the rest of the day. When I looked at the clock to see what time it was, I rushed to get dressed. The thought of being strong for Charlotte's parents gave me something else to concentrate on.

When I arrived at the funeral home, Charlotte's parents were waiting on me so that I could be with them when they viewed Charlotte one last time. My body began to tremble as I looked down at her, laying there motionless, knowing that this would be my last memory of her.

All too soon, people began to arrive to pay their last respects. Most of the mourners were friends of Charlotte's parents. Only a handful were actually Charlotte's friends. There were very few because Charlotte didn't have many friends. We were the closest thing each of us had as friends, her not allowing anyone close because of her drug use, and me not allowing anyone close because of my fear of being hurt. Me being her friend did as much good for her as it had for Edward.

Just as the thought entered my head, my skin began to prickle and my heart rate increased. Even after all these years I could still sense him, feel that he was close. I closed my eyes to stop the onslaught of feelings that were trying to consume me. But when he said my name, I knew that all my efforts were in vain.

"Bella?"

**A/N: I hope that I did this justice. Push that review button and please let me know. I don't have a beta, so please forgive my mistakes. I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can. Next chapter they will finally come face to face after 15 years.**

**For those of you reading A Long Way to Go, don't think I have forgotten about it. I just haven't been in the right mind frame to write it.**


	8. The Visitation

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story is mine.**

**I was amazed at the response from the last chapter and how many put this story on alert. Thank you to all! Please keep reviewing! As always, thanks to Cullenfan524. Your reviews rock!**

Chapter 8: The Visitation

EPOV

The sun started shining through my window behind me, light pouring in all around me, creating a shadow of my body outlined on to my desk. It was appropriate for how I felt. My actions and choices so many years ago created a shadow, not only over my life, but everyone that was around me.

All night I have been here, thinking back, remembering all that had happened. They say hindsight is twenty-twenty. Its true, looking back, I can see how everything I did affected everyone around me. When I was using drugs and drinking and then overdosed, I not only hurt myself, but I hurt my family, my friends, my Bella.

My Bella. Why did I call her that? Certainly I had no right whatsoever to call her mine. But that's what she was to me. Not only had she been my friend unconditionally, she was the one person I knew that I could count on. No matter what I did, she was there, watching out for me, making sure that I was okay.

The trouble was that back then I was too messed up to realize that she was mine. I couldn't see what was right in front of my face, because I was blinded by drugs and alcohol. Instead of seeing the one good thing that could have saved me from myself, all I saw were the things that could help me escape from reality and the person who shared that with me. _Charlotte._

When I looked at Charlotte, I saw my partner in crime, my friend with weed is a friend indeed person, my drinking buddy, everything that I was and wanted to be. She was my everything because she did everything that I did. Our home lives sucked making me create another connection that I thought made us right for each other.

I was so fucking stupid. Stupid to believe that two people could have a relationship based on drugs, alcohol, and broken families. It wasn't Charlotte that I was in love with, it was what she did. It wasn't who she was as a person, but how she acted and the things we did together. It took years of rehab and therapy to make me realize that.

During that time, I learned where my anger had come from, why I acted out the way I did, hurt the people closest to me. My family was broken and I blamed my parents and hated them for tearing our family apart. Alice blamed me for the break up of my parent's marriage and I blamed her for continuing to have a relationship with a man who cared more for himself than he did his family. Subsequently we took our frustrations out on each other causing me to go into more of a downward spiral.

Instead of trying to work through my problems, talk about them and express my feelings, I used drugs to avoid them. And I used Bella. I used her in so many ways that I was ashamed of myself. That's why I had never contacted her. There was no way I could ask for her forgiveness when I couldn't even forgive myself for the way I treated her.

Nothing was important to me at that time but drugs. When you are a drug user, nothing is as important as your next fix, whatever it may be. Sometimes when I think of all the drugs that I used, the way I mixed alcohol and marijuana with them, I consider myself lucky. Especially after I overdosed and survived. But it took a long time to realize that.

Jasper entered my office surveying me and the room. I'm sure he could tell that I had been here all night by my appearance.

"I figured this is where I would find you. Alice is worried about you." Jasper's eyes met mine letting me see that he was worried too. "Did you call Bella?"

"No I haven't. I don't know what to say. Hey, this is Edward. Remember me?" A dark chuckle escaped my dry lips. If there was ever a time I wanted a drink, it was now. "Somehow I don't think that is going to go over so well. Besides that her number isn't in the phone book, the only way to get in touch with her is call her mother, Renee."

"Call her then. That will probably be your only hope of finding her. If you are going to talk to her, you need to do it before you just show up at the funeral. Are you going?" Jasper questioned toying with the stress ball I kept on my desk.

"Yes. As bad as it sounds, I'm not going for Charlotte, but for Bella. Of course I'm going to pay my respects, but I want to be there for Bella. If she will let me. Damn Jasper. What am I going to say to her? How am I going to tell her I'm sorry after fifteen years? I don't deserve her forgiveness." I muttered.

"You may feel like you don't deserve her forgiveness, but she deserves an explanation. And an apology. You have apologized to everyone but her. That's why you can't get past this." Jasper said as he picked up the phone handing the receiver to me forcing me to make the one call I have avoided for years.

Jasper was right. When you go through therapy, you have to face your problems head on, not avoiding anything no matter how much it hurts. Sometimes a therapist recommends that once you see how you hurt the people around you, you go to each of them, explain to them why you did what you did and apologize. Ask for forgiveness so that you can forgive yourself. It is one of the ways to help you move on.

During our family counseling sessions, I had expressed all of my feelings to my mother, Alice, and even my father, telling them exactly how I had felt and why I did the things I did. We all had been wrong in the way we had reacted to the divorce and our family falling apart. After many tears and raised voices we apologized to each other and had forgiven each other for our actions. Bella was the only person I had not been able to face.

Dialing Bella's old number flooded me with more memories making my palms damp. It didn't surprise me that even after all these years, Renee remembered me, but I don't think you forget the person who broke your daughter's heart.

"Wow Edward. It has been such a long time. How are you?" Renee questioned in the same warm tone that she always used when she talked to me.

"I've been fine Renee. How are you? And Charlie?" Absently I rubbed my palms over my jeans.

"We're good. Charlie fishes all the time and I just do whatever." I could see Renee waving her hands around as she spoke just as she always did.

We both we're quiet for a moment. "I heard about Charlotte. How is Bella?" My voice dropped, turning deep when I asked about Bella.

Renee sighed deeply. "That's hard to say. She rarely talks about anything anymore. She has done a good job of hiding her feelings for a long time now."

This is what I was afraid of. The girl I knew already had a hard time showing herself to anyone. After what I did to her, it was no surprise that she wouldn't let anyone else close to her.

"I…I want to call Bella." I stammered before taking a much needed deep breath. "I need to talk to her. May I have her phone number?"

There was a long pause before Renee answered. "I don't know Edward. Our relationship is tentative at best. If I ever did anything else that she saw as a betrayal, she might never talk to me again. I don't know if I can take that chance. It was a long time before she would speak to me or Charlie again after what happened."

"What do you mean?"

Renee explained how she and Charlie had hidden from Bella what had happened to me, the overdose, the coma, her father's involvement after what happened that night. She even told me how Bella was already upset about what happened between us after Bella confessed her feelings for me. Then when Bella called my house, speaking with Alice, finding out what had happened, she basically had a breakdown. After she calmed down, she figured out that Renee and Charlie had kept everything from her and felt betrayed. Because of all that happened, she shut everyone out of her life, except Charlotte. Charlotte was the only one that Bella had stayed close to. "I feel like that Bella saw Charlotte as the only one who didn't betray her during that time. Still I know that the way Charlotte lived her life hurt Bella just like it hurt her the way you lived your life back then."

Renee may have not intended to be callous about what she said, but I understood exactly what she had meant. I hurt Bella in more ways than one person deserved. "You see Renee. This is why I have to talk to her. I need to tell her myself. I have to…no I need to apologize to her. I have to make things right."

Again Renee paused before she answered me. "Just so you know, I'm not doing this for you Edward. I'm doing it for Bella. Maybe, just maybe, she will let you back in. Then maybe she can heal. All I have to say is don't break her heart again. I don't think she will survive it this time."

Closing my eyes, I felt the first sign of relief since I read the obituary. Then silently I prayed that I wouldn't hurt Bella with what I was about to do. "Thank you. Thank you, Renee."

We talked for a little while longer, Renee asking about my mother and Alice. She hoped that once Bella and I talked that I could come over for dinner.

Jasper was still sitting in my office when I hung up the phone. "I'm proud of you Edward. You've made the first step. I think this will be the best thing for you and Bella. Call her." Jasper left my office, but his last remark lingered in the air.

I knew that was what I needed to do. I should have done it years ago. Instead I thought it was best to keep away from her. Let her live her life without having to worry about me anymore. I knew that I had hurt her. When I went through therapy, forced to face all the things that I had done, it became more apparent every time I talked about it that I had used Bella in the worst kind of way.

There were many times over the years, so many that I lost count that I thought about trying to find Bella so that I could talk to her. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for using her and treating her without any respect and disregarding her feelings without a second thought. Most of all I wanted her forgiveness. I needed her to forgive me to ease my conscious and especially my heart. But I wouldn't do it. It was selfish. There was no way I could ask for her forgiveness because I didn't deserve it. I couldn't forgive myself for the way I had treated her.

Deciding that there was no sense in putting off the inevitable any longer, I picked up the phone and dialed Bella's number. It was early, but I was hoping that I could catch her before she left the house. With each ring I became more nervous and the words that I wanted to say jumbled in my head. When her answering machine picked up, I felt weird leaving a message. But after everything, I wasn't just going to hang up.

My message was sucky at best. There was no good way to say what I had to say. I left her my number and begged her to call me. Since I was going to the funeral, I wanted to try and talk to her before, if she would call me. I could only hope that she would.

Jasper came back to see if I had gone through with calling Bella. When I told him the message that I left, he gave me a sympathetic look before dismissing me for the day. "Go home. You look like shit. Try and get some sleep before you go to visitation. I'm sure that you will want to go to the service tomorrow, so I've asked Ben to fill in for you the next couple of days." Jasper ran his hand through his hair, a nervous habit he picked up from me. "Do you want me and Alice to come tonight?"

Shaking my head no had Jasper nodding in response. "That would not be good. Alice wasn't very…nice to Bella the last time they talked." The memory of what Alice had said to Bella made me frown.

Jasper saw my frown and began to defend her. "Alice regrets that more than you know. But she is like you. She has never been able to bring herself to ask for Bella's forgiveness."

"Maybe someday she can talk to Bella. But I think one Cullen right now will be all Bella would be able to handle." Again Jasper nodded in agreement. Before he left, he reminded me that he would be there for me anyway he could.

Once I arrived home, I took a shower hoping not only to wash away the stench of staying in my office all night, but to relax my frayed nerves. Trying to lie down and rest was futile, ever time I closed my eyes, I remembered the way Bella looked the last time I saw her, the same look that had haunted me for years.

~*~

When I arrived at the funeral home, it didn't surprise me at the lack of cars. Often drug users only friends are their dealer and the few they entrust to use with them. A sharp pain of remorse came across that I was one of the lucky ones. There are very few that are lucky when it came to drugs.

The smell of the funeral home, the different fragrances of flowers, burnt coffee in the lounge, filled my nose when I opened the door. After signing my name to the register, I made my way through to the room where Charlotte's body lay in wake, looking for Bella.

Even though her back was to me, I immediately knew it was her. Her mahogany locks were curled hanging down her back as they always did. She didn't look much taller than she was when she was fourteen, and her body was still slim and willowy as I remembered, but I could definitely tell that she had a woman's body now instead of the girl's body that I remembered.

The closer I came to her, I saw her body stiffen, her posture change. What seemed to be a complete act of defense, her arms wrapped around herself, hands resting on her upper arms, fingers digging into her flesh.

"Bella?" Her name came out as a question as concern for her washed through me.

I watched as her arms dropped before straightening her spine, her back rise and fall as she filled her lungs with air, composing herself before she turned to me. When she turned, her face was a blank mask, but for her eyes. Her eyes shimmered with tears, just like the face that haunted me, but that was the only sparkle to them. The brown that was once vibrant had darkened with sadness and a hint of fear. What could she be afraid of?

"Hi." My voice was low and quiet, thick from the lump that was lodged in my throat.

"Hello Edward." The tone of her voice sounded strained but cold, like she was struggling to keep the composure she had worked so hard to obtain just seconds before.

"I tried to call you." I wasn't sure if she had gotten the message, but I wanted to let her know that I at least tried to contact her before I just showed up here.

"Yes. I know." The fear left her eyes and was now replaced by anger.

"I'm sorry." From some instinct that had me wanting to protect Bella, comfort her, I reached out my hand to touch her.

Before I could, Bella darted her hand out, placing it firmly against my chest. For a moment she stared at her hand that lay against my heart. "Don't." Her eyes screwed up tight and her forehead bunched up as if she was in pain. "Please don't touch me."

"Okay." I dropped my hand down to my side just as Bella dropped hers. She gazed down at her hand that had touched me, balling it into a small fist.

"What do you want Edward?" Her voice was quiet; she had yet to stop staring at her hand.

"I want to talk to you. I thought you could use a friend right now." As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. Not because they were untrue, but because of the presumptuous tone it inflicted.

Her head snapped up to mine, eyes blazing now with fury. "Are you kidding me?" She closed her eyes again, shaking her head like she was trying to shake off a bad dream. "Is this some kind of joke to you?"

"No. This is no joke. Shit." Roughly I ran my hand through my hair. "Bella, I'm so sorry. None of this is coming out right. This was not how I wanted to see you again. Not here. Not like this. I'm sorry. There are so many things I want to say to you. Apologize for. Please, can we talk?"

"I can't do this right now. I just don't know. I can't think about this right now." Her eyes met mine, changing again, this time to wariness. She looked back down at her hand, still balled into a fist, the knuckles bone white against her creamy flesh. "I have to be strong." She whispered so low I barely heard her.

My heart was breaking for her. This wasn't the same girl I had broken so long ago. This was a woman who was still struggling with the hurt and so much more.

The same instinct of wanting to look after her made me want to pull her into my arms, but before I could, a man with shaggy blonde hair, about my height whipped Bella around and crushed her to his chest.

"Oh, Bella. I'm so sorry. I got here as soon as I could." His arms tightened around her and faintly I heard Bella choke out a small sob muffled against his chest.

"Shh, don't cry. Calm down. Take deep breaths." Slowly he rubbed his hand up and down her back to soothe her. My fingers flexed, wanting to do the same.

He pulled her back to take a long look at her face. "You're trembling. I've never seen you like this." He murmured before pulling her back against him burying her face in his chest. "Tell me what to do. I'll do whatever you want me to."

Bella nodded against his chest in response. After taking several breaths to calm herself she turned her head to me. Her eyes locked with mine, and I could see so many emotions flickering through her brown orbs that shimmered with tears. Sorrow, hurt, confusion, and I knew that all of them were caused by me. At this moment I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and hold her until all her pain went away.

The man holding Bella turned his face down to press his lips to her hair. He followed Bella's gaze towards me and his face bunched up in confusion before narrowing his eyes at me. "Excuse me. Who are you?"

"Edward. Edward Cullen." With just those three words, I watched as recognition flashed across his face making him scowl back at me. He twisted his body as if to shield Bella from me.

"You son of a bitch. You've got a lot of nerve showing your face here. Don't you think you've hurt Bella enough? Get the fuck…"

Bella gripped his arm tightly. "Don't James."

With those words he relaxed slightly but continued to shield Bella away from me. "Fine." He seethed before taking a breath to calm himself. I watched as his eyes softened when he looked back to Bella. "Come on Bella. Let's get some fresh air."

Bella nodded her head in agreement to him while keeping her eyes focused on me. When James tried to pull her away she gripped his hand to stop him. He turned back standing directly behind her staring at me over her head. His eyes, deep blue in color, had darkened with the hatred that he surely felt towards me. Two could play that game.

"Edward. I just can't handle all of this right now." Her voice was low and quiet. "After the funeral, I will talk to you."

Instead of the relief I should have felt, guilt washed through me. Guilt for all the things I had done to her in the past and for putting her through more than she should have to deal with right now. "Okay. I just want to let you know…I'm coming tomorrow to the service. I really am sorry about Charlotte."

"Alright." Tears slowly slid down her face. "The service starts at ten." She turned her back to me, swaying slightly. James caught her around the waist holding her tightly against him. Before he moved away with her, his cold blue eyes met my bright green ones. I didn't even now this man enough to hate him, but I knew that I could learn to if he kept Bella from me.

I watched as he led her away, supporting her as they made their way out of the room. Helplessly I watched as this man comforted her in the way my body wanted to. The only thing that kept me from following her, jerking her out of his grasp, was the fact that she had agreed to talk to me. Hopefully I would make things better for her than worse. Only time would tell. What she gave me was a gift, and there was no way I was going to take advantage of it. Not like last time. For once, when it came to Bella, I would do the right thing.

**A/N: Please review. Let me know what you think. That is the only way I will know if I'm doing this right. Please forgive my mistakes, I don't have a beta. RL is kicking right now, so I'll update as soon as I can. **


	9. James

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story and plot is mine.**

**Thank you to all who have reviewed and put this story on alert. Please keep those reviews coming. Thanks to Cullenfan524, she reviews every chapter of all my stories. I can't thank her enough.**

Chapter 9: James

"That was him. That was really him. I can't believe that he had the nerve to show up here like that after all these years. How could he do that to you? You have enough to deal with because of the funeral. Doesn't he know how he hurt you?" James threw his arms up in the air at what I could only guess was exasperation. "Of course he doesn't. He hasn't seen you in fifteen fucking years."

James has been going on like this since he drove me to my place from the funeral home. After my confrontation with Edward he has been more upset than I have ever seen him before. He was upsetting me, but in a way it was giving me a good distraction. As long as he was ranting and raving, I didn't have to think about Charlotte.

Confrontation is how I describe my short interaction with Edward, because that is what it felt like. Almost like a battle to me. My insides were warring with each other. My mind was telling me to run away, far far away, while my heart was telling me that this is what I had been waiting for all of these years.

When James walked me away from Edward, I could feel that small tug that I had always felt around Edward, that ebb and flow that seemed to link us together. It was something that I was sure had only affected me all those years ago when I was younger. Something that connected me to him in some deep elemental way. I had honestly thought it was gone.

But it wasn't the connection that was gone, it was only Edward. He was so far away that I couldn't feel that tug anymore. Now that he was close again, I could feel it tugging at me just as strong as before. The further James took me away from Edward, the more my body seemed to protest the distance.

And I hated myself for it. I hated the way he made me feel even after all this time. I still loved him. God help me, I still loved him.

As soon as he called my name, hearing his voice again after so long, feelings I had long since buried came to the surface. I had tried so hard to forget him. Years later after he had left and I never heard from him again, I tucked away my memories of him, hoping over time that they would fade. Obviously they never did. Occasionally, something would trigger a memory of him, causing a break in my shield that I had tried so hard to meticulously build around me. When that happened, I spiraled down into a depression that would take months to come out of.

Looking at him this close after all these years, he didn't look that much different from when he was younger. His face no longer held that youthful look that I had once spent hours admiring. Instead his features were refined, showing off his chiseled jaw and a slightly crooked nose that had made him so much more beautiful to me. His hair had not changed, still bed head wild with that shocking bronze color.

When I looked into his eyes, that stunning deep green that had changed depending on his moods was still the same. The sad lost look was no longer prevalent. Instead his eyes were clear, no longer riddled by the heartbreaking emotions that once ruled his life or the drugs he used to escape.

In one word, he was breathtaking.

It was hard enough looking at him, especially since he was so close, but when he tried to touch me, I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. Before he could, I had to stop him. On top of everything else, there was no way I could handle him touching me, comforting me.

What few words we exchanged were brief, but the intensity of what little was said left me reeling. He was here. He was trying to apologize. He wanted to let me know he was sorry about Charlotte. It was all too much.

When James came along and drew me into his embrace, the enormity of Edward being there crashed down every little defense I was holding onto. Never before had I allowed myself to be so easily comforted like this by James, but at that moment I needed a lifeline because I was holding on by a thread. And it was about to snap.

James noticed immediately that I was not myself. He knew me well enough to know that I had always kept my emotions in check. The fact that I was shaking and holding on to him for dear life only confirmed his suspicions.

After holding me for a moment, I regained enough composure to face Edward. When I turned to him, I couldn't keep my eyes from showing all the emotions that I was feeling. The look in his eyes let me know he could see it all causing silent tears to trail down my cheeks.

James turned to see what I was looking at questioning who Edward was. The moment Edward said his name; I could almost feel the anger that was beginning to simmer in James. I knew that if I didn't say something things would escalate to more than I could handle. James knew everything about Edward. Not only had Charlotte told him why I was so reserved in my emotions, he had caught me at a weak moment and I had explained even more to him. James hated Edward. For more than one reason. Not only for how he had thrown my heart away so easily, but also because I guarded that same heart and never let anyone close.

After stopping what I knew would be an explosion of major proportions in a place that was meant for sanctuary, I agreed to talk with Edward. It was done in a moment of weakness that I couldn't really regret, because deep down I wanted to hear what he had to say. I knew that the repercussions would be worse than not knowing.

Thankfully James kept me from falling out and walked me outside so that I could get some fresh air. He knew that was exactly what I needed. He was good for me in so many ways. But James was never him. No one could ever take the place of Edward.

We went back inside so I could finish what I felt like was my duty to Charlotte's parents. Mr. and Mrs. Peters seemed calm enough considering that their only child had just died from a drug overdose. But in a way, I think deep down they expected it like me. They knew that because of the way she lived her life it would only be a matter of time.

When my parents came in to pay their respects, I could sense that my mother was nervous about something. My first guess was she knew about Edward. There was only one way Edward could have gotten my phone number, and that was from my mother, because I knew there was no way in hell that my father would have ever given my phone number to Edward. To this day I know he still resented Edward for everything that happened. I couldn't blame him because I felt the same way.

My mother hugged me tightly waiting a long time before she let me go. It was probably the most physical contact we had had in a long time. She repeated over and over how sorry she was for everything. Deep down, I knew that it had to do with more than just Charlotte. It was everything. And if she did give Edward my number, I wasn't going to dwell on it now. It would add just more weight on me and I was drowning already.

Once everyone left, the funeral director went over the schedule for tomorrow with Charlotte's parents. Afterwards, James drove me home while my father followed in my car. He had insisted that he drive me home because he knew how upset I was because of Edward and Charlotte. My father wholeheartedly agreed with James.

Over the years, my father and James had formed some kind of bond with each other. My father, before retiring from the police force, had worked with James on some cases together. James was a prosecutor for the District Attorney's office and he was the golden boy in my father's eyes.

It was just my terrible luck that I didn't feel the same about him. But I haven't been able to love anyone else other than Edward. Besides that, I was not James's first choice. It was like what had happened so many years before. Boy meets girl. Girl draws boy into her web. But this time, boy escapes her web before he is poisoned.

After I graduated from high school, I wanted to distance myself as far as I could from all the memories that my life so far had held for me. Everywhere I looked reminded me of Edward. My home, school, the neighborhood that I had grown up in, where I had spent more time with him than anyone else, all held memories for me that I wanted to forget.

Even though my father hated Edward for all the things that had happened and never spoke of him again, my mother understood the way I felt and tried to get me talk to her, trying her best to comfort me. But I just couldn't let her though. It was too painful to dwell on or allow her get close. Too much had happened.

Once I made my decision to go off to college, I felt no regrets about leaving. I knew that I would return home once I graduated, but for the time being, I needed so badly to distance myself from anything that reminded me of Edward.

After my first semester, Charlotte showed up. It didn't bother me that she had followed me. She was the only person who I allowed to stay close and be part of my life. I can't explain why Charlotte never made me feel the way everything else did about Edward. She was as big a part of my life at that time as Edward was, and maybe that was why I didn't pus her away. She was my last link.

It was hysterical the way Charlotte announced why she decided to come. "The only way I'm going to experience college life, is to go with you. There's no way in fucking hell you will ever find me in a classroom, but you sure as hell will find me at some of those frat parties."

One of the things I loved about Charlotte was her humor. She could make me laugh like no other when she was in the mood. With her mood swings sometimes I wondered if she was bipolar. She could go from happy to angry in a matter of seconds. I wasn't sure if it was from the drugs or just her that she could swing from high to low so easily. But when she was funny, she was funny.

For the first couple of years, I lived in the dorms, while Charlotte actually got a job and rented a room from one of the girls she worked with. They both worked the late shift at a small diner close to the college. The girls name was Tanya and the similarities between the two didn't escape me. They both liked to party, working the afternoon and night shifts because they weren't morning people. Staying up all night partying would do that to you.

I didn't see Charlotte everyday, or even every week. Sometimes it would be a month before I would ever lay eyes on her. Engulfing myself in my studies, I didn't make time for anything else. Even my roommate had commented on me missing out on what could be the best years of my life. I wasn't interested in the party life though. I had witnessed more than my fair share of partying and didn't care to relive any of it. Besides that, Charlotte partied enough for both of us.

Charlotte flitted in and out of my life just like a butterfly. It was strange the first time I watched the movie the _Butterfly Effect_, I cried not only because of what happened in the movie, but when I learned what the theory of the term meant, it hit me hard realizing how true it was. If Charlotte hadn't come into my life, how would things be different? What if Edward had made different choices than the ones he had made? How would things be different? Would I be able to have a normal relationship with James? Or would I possibly have been able to have one with Edward? Sometimes the what if's would drive me insane.

One night, while trying to pull an all-nighter studying for one of my final exams, I walked into the diner where Charlotte worked to get some coffee. Sometimes I would do this to escape the dorm and get a caffeine fix. Charlotte would set me up at a table running interference for me if anyone tried to approach my table.

There was a guy who was sitting at the counter, drinking a cup of coffee, trying to read a text book. Although he seemed to be engrossed in the book he held, every once in a while, I would catch him watching Charlotte's every move. It wasn't the first time that I had seen him around campus or here. Something told me that he had fallen under Charlotte's spell.

After seeing Charlotte and I interact, he came over to talk to me and introduce himself. Charlotte tried to get him to go away, but I told her to let him stay. There was something in his eyes, a softness that I wasn't used to from anyone else besides my parents that lead me to believe he was a good guy. And he was.

We talked for a long time that night. James told me he had just started his first year of law school and was overwhelmed by how much studying that had to be done. He talked about his friends, where he was from, about his high school years. It was so different being around a guy who wasn't fried out of his mind or drunk, who could actually talk for a long period of time without spacing out. His speech was articulate letting me know that he made the right choice of becoming a lawyer. I could also tell that he was very smart.

He never mentioned Charlotte, but I could tell that we watched her with a keen interest. After a while, he confessed that he had met her at a frat party and since then couldn't keep his mind off of her. Disappointment washed over me that this nice guy would fall for Charlotte.

For the next couple of months, I would see him at the diner trying to talk to Charlotte. She never gave him the time of day, constantly blowing him off. Charlotte's taste for men ran on the dark dangerous side instead of the nice good guys.

During that time, we became friends which in all honestly surprised me. Over time I learned to trust James. He was kind and good for me in a big way. Somehow he found a way around my defenses and made me believe that it was actually possible to have someone close that wouldn't hurt you.

We bonded in a way that I didn't think was possible. First it started out as a friendship that I never thought would be probable with the opposite sex. Then he spent over a year trying to convince me to go out on a date with me. He was never pushy or got angry even after I had turned him down more times than I could count.

"_You're worth the wait Bella. If I have to wait for another year before you agree to go out with me, I'll wait."_ James had told me more than once.

When he finally broke through and I agreed to go out with him on a real date with dinner, movies and flowers, I had never seen anyone happier, which caused me to be happy too. From then on he courted me just like how it was done in another era.

The first time that we shared a kiss, I cried. The emotions of the kiss flooded me with memories from the one and only time I had kissed another boy. After that, I slowly stepped back from James. I was so afraid that what was happening with him would cause me to be hurt again. I couldn't let that happen.

James never gave up. When his pleading turned to begging and my dorm room was filled with so many flowers that my roommate began to complain, I once again agreed to go out with him.

But I never gave all of myself to him. Even though he knew more about me than any other person besides Charlotte, I guarded my heart like I had always done. I would never give my heart away again. To anyone.

"Bella, did you hear me?" James asked, stroking his fingers gently across my cheek, bringing me out of my thoughts.

Blinking my eyes at him, I cleared my throat before shaking my head. "No. I'm sorry James."

"No, I'm the one who is sorry. I don't mean to upset you. The last thing you need to hear is me ranting and raving." James got down on his knees in front of me, taking my hands in his. "I don't like seeing you hurt. I know how bad he hurt you. Then on top of that, everything you've had to worry with over Charlotte. He shouldn't be here Bella. You deserve some peace after all these years. Not more heartache."

"If I can just get through the funeral, I am going to take some time for myself." My heart constricted at the thought of Charlotte's funeral and Edward's sudden reappearance. There was no way a vacation would help how I felt right now. It would be just like Edward, running away from my problems.

"Once this is over, I'm going to take you somewhere, just us. Maybe the beach or the mountains, whatever sounds good to you." James tucked a stray hair behind my ear.

"Mmm. That sounds nice."

For a moment, I thought James looked nervous, something that didn't happen very often. If anything, James was confident and always in control. "I have to ask you something." He hesitated, definitely not like James. "We're you serious when you agreed to talk with Edward?"

There was no sense in trying to lie to James. The fact that I was a terrible liar and he could read me like a book didn't work in my favor. Biting my lip, I nodded.

"Why Bella? Why would you do that to yourself? Nothing good can come from it. What could he have to say that could change what he did to you?" If James only knew that the same question had run through my mind, over and over again.

"I know your right James. But for years I lived with what happened to Edward that night, his overdose, the fact he never contacted me again. Talking to him might help me come to peace with that part of my life. Maybe I will be able to move on and not worry about the past anymore. Does that make sense?"

"Yea, I think it does. I just hope that it helps you instead of hurting you more."

"I know you just want what's best for me. I don't know if this is it, but I have to try." Have wasn't the term, compelled described it better, but I don't think James would appreciate that.

"If this is what you want, I will support you anyway I can." Only I knew what it cost James to say that.

"I wish I could be there for you tomorrow. This hearing can't be rescheduled again. If we try, the judge might throw the case out. We can't let that happen." James was sincere in wanting to be there to support me. He had always done his best to be strong for me when I needed it.

"You don't let those bad guys get away. I'll be fine." I lied pasting a smile on my face.

James stood up, gripping my shoulders, pulling me up with him. He wrapped me in his arms holding me close. "As soon as I get out of court, I'll be there. I promise."

"Thank you."

After James left, I sat back down staring out the window. Clouds were rolling in covering the stars that were twinkling in the dark night sky. It was going to rain, I just knew it. The thought of having to bury Charlotte in the rain was almost as unbearable as burying her in the sunshine.

**A/N: Please review. Let me know what you think. I felt it was best to end this chapter here. The funeral will be next. **

**Please forgive my mistakes, I don't have a beta. My kids are on spring break, so I'll update as soon as I can. **


	10. The Funeral

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story and plot is mine.**

**Thank you to all who have reviewed and put this story on alert. Please keep those reviews coming. Thanks to Cullenfan524 for giving me some ideas for this chapter.**

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real_

_There just too much that time cannot erase_

_My Immortal - Evanescence_

Chapter 10: The Funeral

Rain splattering across my window woke me from the fitful night I had spent on the couch. Memories of all the things I had tried to forget swamped me. Edward, Charlotte and even James starred in the images that flitted through my head during the restless night. As soon as my feet hit the floor, my stomach twisted into knots at the thought of what I had to do today.

Walking into the kitchen, I made coffee thinking that something hot would soothe my insides that were raging with all the emotions that were coursing through me. Slowly I paced from window to door as I sipped praying to all that was holy that it would stop raining.

When I noticed the time, I showered quickly seeing no sense in trying to prolong the inevitable. Knowing that the moisture from the rain would make my hair curl, I choose to blow dry my hair instead of straightening it. Before I dressed in the plain black dress that I had chosen to wear today, I looked in the mirror dreading what I might see.

Of course my eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and the tears that I couldn't stop from falling. Even in my sleep. The dark circles under my eyes were prominent against my face that seemed to be paler than normal. Passing on the makeup that I knew would be ruined from my tears; I grabbed what I needed before running to my car.

As soon as I walked into the funeral home, the resolve that I tried to muster up on the drive here fell away. All the scents of the funeral home that were mixed in the air made me nauseous. My already sensitive stomach heaved when I caught a glimpse of bronze hair. As if he read my mind, he turned to look at me. His bright green eyes began searching mine, burning me with the intensity of his stare.

My breath caught in my throat as he made his way over to me. Before I could ask him why he was here so early he began to speak.

"Hello, Bella." He glanced towards the door. "I'm sorry it's raining today." He murmured before turning back to me. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Audibly I swallowed the lump that was clogging my throat. "Why are you here so early Edward?"

Raking his hand through his hair, he took a deep breath then exhaled slowly. "I want you to know that I'm serious about being here for you. Any way you will let me. Everything came out wrong yesterday. I know you don't trust me and you have every right to feel that way. I will do anything to get you to trust me again. I'm serious about apologizing to you. I owe you an explanation, and so much more than that."

He held his hands out in what looked like surrender. "I'll wait as long as you want me to. Everything will be on your terms. We will talk when you are ready. Until then, I want you to know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

The tears that I had been trying so hard to hold back spilled over. Edward took a step toward me. I held my hand out in protest. "No. If you touch me right now, I won't be able to get through this."

"Okay. Just know that I'm here for you." Edward's hands dropped down to his sides before he glanced around. "Where is your boyfriend?"

Anger coursed through me at his question. At least it would replace the sadness. "Not that it's any of your business, but he's not my boyfriend."

"I'm sorry. You're right. It's none of my business. I'm going to sit down. If you need me, I'll be here."

Before I could protest, he turned and walked away. My chest was burning from the breath I didn't know I was holding. Before I could dwell anymore on Edward, I went to find Charlotte's parents.

We were allowed to see her one last time before the service started. Even though the funeral director had done an amazing job on her, images of the last time I saw her after she had died in the hospital, were burned into my brain.

_Charlotte's parents called me, begging me to get to the hospital. All they could tell me was Charlotte had overdosed and was rushed to the emergency room. By the time I had gotten there, her heart had already stopped once, and they were pumping her with enough drugs and epinephrine to keep a horse alive, but her body wasn't responding._

_It wasn't long after I arrived that the doctor came into the waiting room announcing solemnly that he was sorry, they had done everything they could, but she was gone. Her heart had stopped, nothing they tried, nothing, had worked. She was too far gone from the drugs that she had injected into her body. Her heart couldn't take the strain. _

_Charlotte's mother had sat for a long time, not saying a word, staring off into space. When the nurse came to ask information about what funeral home they should release Charlotte's body to after the autopsy, Mrs. Peters ran out of the room making her way to the last place she knew where Charlotte had been. Quickly I followed her, rushing to keep up with her dodging around people. _

_Following her into the room, my eyes darted to the bed in the middle of the room. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. My hand flew up to my mouth trying to stop the sob that threatened to escape. Charlotte's body was flat on the bed, her arms down to her side. A sheet covered her from her toes up to her neck. Dark bruises circled her eyes that were now forever closed. Never again would I see that sparkle in her eyes that would always draw you in, keep you there. Around her nose was red and splotchy as if she had had a cold. Across her upper lip, there was an angry blue and red bruise that I would later find out was from the tape that held the ventilator in her mouth._

_Mrs. Peters and I stood in the little room, holding each other, silent tears running down our face until the nurses came to remove the body. They were careful, almost reverent in the way they handled her body. When the nurse pulled the sheet over Charlotte's face, I knew that that was it. I would never see her again. Mrs. Peters cried out, falling to her knees, then Mr. Peters dropped down beside her holding her. There was nothing I could do but hold myself and cry._

No nothing I don't think would ever erase that image from my mind. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see the beautiful girl that was my friend. All I could see was her lifeless, bruised body lying in a hospital bed. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was her and I knew that image would haunt me for the rest of my life.

Charlotte was beautiful, in her own way. You would never be able to look at her and think she was a drug addict. She had a natural beauty, which you couldn't mask with drugs. Sure you could tell when she was high by the way her eyes glassed over, but that was it. She had a complexion that most women would pay big money for to recreate. Her hair, even though she had dyed it so many colors was still silky and smooth.

Charlotte never really looked like a drug addict. Sometimes she did, like the first time she walked into our ninth grade English class. But mostly, she just looked like a wild child, a hippie in the wrong time. She had her moments. There were times that she was strung out on whatever her drug of choice was and she looked every bit the crack whore. Then there were times that she just looked the spoilt brat she really was.

Mr. and Mrs. Peters were seated along the front row with me beside them. What little family they had was seated in the rows behind us. They had insisted that I sit with them during the service. I had protested that I shouldn't be seated with the family, but they argued back stating that they thought of me as family, especially after being such a good friend to Charlotte.

Funny, I didn't feel like her friend while she was laying there in a casket. If I was such a good friend, she wouldn't have been there. Wasn't that always the problem?

The preacher began the funeral rite making a few comments about Charlotte at the beginning. It amazed me that a man that had never met her would be able to speak of her like she was a member of his congregation. He was the preacher at  
Charlotte's parent's church, so he knew them and knew the trouble they had with Charlotte. As he continued addressing the people that were gathered, his voice lulled me into a dreamlike state.

Turning in my seat, I looked to see if my parents were seated anywhere close. It had been a long time since I had turned to them for support, but at that moment, I felt like a little girl again who was screaming out for her parents when she was having a nightmare. Only this time, it wasn't a dream.

As soon as my eyes met my mothers, she gave me a sympathetic smile mouthing 'I love you' to me. My father had a scowl on his face; his eyebrows bunched together, eyes narrowed like he was mad at the world.

A woman shifted in her seat and I saw exactly what he was upset about. In the pew in front of my parents sat Edward. He was by himself, back straight, head bent down.

Looking at him, all these questions filled my mind. Why after all this time? Why did he want to explain everything to me now? Was it guilt? Was it Charlotte's death bringing back all the old memories? Was he really here for me? Or was he here for Charlotte?

He never tried to contact Charlotte. That I know because she would have told me. She was angry at Edward. Angry that he would have feelings for her and not me, angry that he never tried to talk to me again after everything that happened, livid that he had hurt me.

There were more times that I could count that she would be drunk or high, something triggering an old memory, causing her to go off on a tangent about the way things had happened between me and Edward. _"He was a fool Bella for not seeing what was right in front of him. And an even bigger fool for breaking your heart."_

Music began to play bringing me out of my thoughts. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Mr. Peters had wrapped an arm around his wife's shoulders while she openly wept. Looking down at my hands, I noticed I was still holding the pretty lace handkerchief that Mrs. Peters had given me. It was dry. I had not shed a tear since the service had started.

The preacher asked everyone to bow their heads for the last prayer. Why hadn't I cried? Last night I couldn't stop the tears.

When the preacher sat down, the funeral director stepped forward. "This concludes the service. At this time, there will be a final viewing, once you are finished, the family would like a moment. If you would like to follow the family to the gravesite services, please pull your car around to the procession line."

Starting at the back of the chapel, each row stood up either coming forward one last time to see Charlotte or exiting the room. When my parents walked up to the casket, I watched my mother place what looked like a picture inside with Charlotte.

Edward's row was next. His eyes met mine and my heart clenched at the sight. The same sad look that had drawn me to him all those years ago was clouded eyes, making the bright green turn dull. Slowly he walked to the casket, standing for a moment, his head dipped as if saying a prayer. When he turned and faced me, his lashes were wet with tears. Instead of the sympathy that I had felt for him when I was a girl, hatred coursed through me.

Mr. and Mrs. Peters stood up to take their last look at their daughter. Mrs. Peters turned to me, grabbing my hand. "Please Bella. Come up with us. Then I want you to ride in the car with us to the graveyard."

Silently I followed, my emotions were beginning to get the best of me. The highs and lows I was feeling were tearing me apart inside. I was saddened at the lost of my closest friend, and the fact that her parents were burying their only child. My stomach was queasy. I could taste the bile in my throat, threatening to escape. Thoughts of Edward being here were depressing me and making me angry, raging a war on my insides. All of it, everything was on the verge of making me explode and I had no idea how to stop it.

But most of all, my heart hurt. It hurt so bad that I thought it was going to burst from my chest. It was all too much and I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to last. Closing my eyes, I begged my body and mind to just give me strength for a little while longer.

It seemed so unreal to be standing there looking down at Charlotte in that casket. Her parents placed a small locket with their pictures inside with her. The picture my mother had placed in there was of Charlotte and me in our little birdie costumes after a dance recital, our arms around each other smiling at the camera. Memories from that time flashed before my eyes. It was the only time that I could remember that Charlotte wasn't high or wasted. There was nothing that I was willing to give up to place inside with her, too selfish to part with anything that reminded me of her.

We made our way outside to Mr. and Mrs. Peters car that was in the procession line behind the hearse. From the car, I could see inside the funeral home. I watched as six men from Charlotte's family hefted the casket up walking it out to the car. My vision began to blur, the tears that were absent just moments ago, threatening to break free.

The drive was slow to the graveyard. The procession was lead by a police officer that escorted us through the town out to the graveyard. Turning my head to the window, I watched as the rain slowly slid down the window.

After arriving at the graveyard, we were seated under a tent that was set up beside the burial site. Charlotte's casket was now hovering over the hole where it would soon be lowered into the ground. The preacher stood before us once again, saying the last rites asking that we join together in a moment of prayer. When the preacher was finished, the funeral director, on behalf of the family, thanked everyone for coming inviting them to Mr. and Mrs. Peters home.

The grave diggers started to lower Charlotte's casket into the ground. Once it was all the way down, Mr. and Mrs. Peters and I each took a rose and threw it down on top of her casket. Each rose hit with a small thud, causing me to jolt at the sound. For some reason, her casket looked so far down in that dark wet hole.

A small sob escaped Mrs. Peters before she turned to me, embracing me in her arms. "I know I relied too much on you. It was wrong of me. But you were the last link to Charlotte I had and I couldn't let go." She pulled away to look me in the eyes. "Don't be a stranger. Please." She ran her hands down my arms, gripping my hands tightly before turning away into her husbands arms.

Mr. Peters smiled at me, the smile not reaching his eyes. "Bella, you were a good friend to Charlotte over the years. We can't thank you enough. Take care of yourself." Mr. and Mrs. Peters wrapped their arms around me, enveloping me between them. The sympathy and love coming from them finally cracked the final barrier of the shield that I kept around my heart. The pain choked me. My insides felt like I was caught in a vice, squeezing and pressing against me.

They released me, reminding me to come to their house, and I watched through blurry eyes as they walked to their car. My breathing was becoming shallow, my chest tight, preventing any air out or in. Reaching up, I wrapped my hand around my throat. I wanted to claw at it, rip it open so that I could breathe.

"Bella…Bella?" Someone was calling me, but the sound was muffled as if I was under water. I felt someone touch me, grip my arm. "Calm down Bella. Take a deep breath." It was Charlie. He was talking to me, but I couldn't understand. My body was shutting down, breaking down.

The hand tightened on my arm. "Bella, honey. Come on. Let's go home."

Suddenly what was inside me burst out, finally breaking me. "No." I whispered. "NO!" This time I forced it out louder, jerking my arm free. "NO!!" My throat was raw from tears and I was panting like I had run a marathon.

"You have to come with us." My father's voice was quiet, but firm.

"I don't want to leave yet. Do you know she was afraid of the dark?" Like a child's voice, mine sounded small and weak.

"You can't stay here. Not like this." Renee whispered, reaching out to take my hand.

"Leave me alone." I snapped, stepping away. "I'm not going anywhere." The rain was falling slowly, wetting my face and my clothes.

"Everyone's gone. You don't have your car. Come with us, please." My mother was pleading, begging.

"Bella. You did everything you could." Edward's voice was calm. It was like a slap to my face.

Whipping around to him, I started to yell. "But it wasn't enough was it. It was never enough. Why? Why couldn't I be enough? I was never enough for you. Or for her." My voice cracked at the end raw from tears and screaming.

"Bella don't do this." Rain droplets were collecting on his hair. His face glistened making him seem ethereal.

"Why not? It's the truth. You wanted to talk. So let's talk. No matter what I did or said. It was never enough. I loved you both with all my heart. But you both threw it away like it was nothing. Nothing! Why? Why couldn't I be enough for you?"

Tears pooled in my eyes making Edward's face blur. Breathing was becoming harder and harder, my chest tightening, suffocating me.

"I'm sorry Bella. So sorry." Edward's green eyes shimmered with tears.

Taking a step towards me, I shoved him. "No! I told you not to touch me." I yelled pushing him again. Edward braced himself, not budging from his spot. My heart began to pound, beating so hard I could feel my rapid pulse making my head throb. Panic raced up and down my spine.

"I hate you. I hate what you did to me. You broke my heart!" I screamed shoving Edward again. "I hate you!" I pushed him, this time my strength giving out on me making me fall against him. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tight against his chest. "I hate you." My voice trembled; my body shuddering with the sobs that finally broke free.

"I'm sorry." Edward whispered to me over and over as he cradled me against him.

"I hate you." I mumbled weakly before everything faded to black.

**A/N: What did you think? Please review and let me know. Please forgive my mistakes, I don't have a beta.**


	11. Aftereffects

**I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. Real life has been crazy! I have one child in kindergarten that plays baseball. My oldest child is in 3****rd**** grade and is in the accelerated reading program. Between baseball practice and games, AR banquets and reward trips, field trips, plus volunteering at school and working part time, I have been extremely busy. **

**Thank you to all who have reviewed and put this story on alert. Please keep those reviews coming. Thanks to Cullenfan524 for being with me since the beginning. **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story and plot are mine.**

_This time I think, I'm to blame  
It's harder to get through the days  
You get older and blame turns to shame  
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right  
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die_

_Sorry by Buckcherry_

Chapter 11: Aftereffects

Edward POV

For a long time after I had gone through rehab and then therapy, I spent a lot of time trying to make up to the people who were hurt by what I did while I was using.

Even though we had family counseling, discussing all of the issues of why our family fell apart and the subsequent results thereof, I still had this need in me to make things right. The way I treated my mother was inexcusable. Although the therapists said we all had a hand in the way our family had reacted to the divorce, it still bothered me how I treated the people that I loved.

It took me a long time to be able to look my mother in the eye without feeling guilty. The guilt was still there. Guilt for making her worry about me, when I would come home, if I would come home, who I was with. All those things she had to deal with on top of losing her husband and father of her children. I couldn't let go of the guilt of the way I treated her. It just became easier over time, never fading completely away.

Alice became a different person after therapy. She was no longer the harpy that I remembered, turning from the bitter girl that constantly gave me hell to a caring and kind sister. Not only did she attend family therapy with us, she also had separate counseling sessions of her own. The abandonment issues that she had after our father left were compounded with the worry of choosing sides between her mother and father, plus having a drug addict for a brother just made things worse.

Each of us we're to blame in our own way. My mother didn't handle the divorce well; she couldn't deal with it or us. Alice didn't either, taking her frustrations out on me. Then there I was drinking, smoking pot and using any other drug I could get a hold of to forget about everything, which led to my overdose.

After the overdose, I was in a coma for almost two weeks. Once I was well enough to leave the hospital, I was transferred to a rehabilitation facility where I went through an extensive detoxification program. While I was there, I started therapy sessions, one on one sessions with a therapists and group therapy.

The moment I was released from rehab, I was sent to a private school where my parents worked it out with the school and the school nurse that I would be drug tested every week. Our family therapy sessions started not long after, which at that time I really hated. The rehab and detox didn't bother me. The fact that I had almost died turned me completely against drugs. There were times when I thought about it, times when I was so upset that I wanted to do it, but after what happened to me I knew that I would never use again.

The family therapy sessions were gut wrenching. Standing up to my parents and my sister and telling them the things that I had always wanted to say didn't make me feel better like I thought it would. It hurt to say out loud that I felt abandoned by my parents and it sucked that my sister blamed me. Of course it helped all of us to acknowledge our fears and express our feelings, but at the same time it hurt. It hurt like hell.

We all worked through it. My mother and I became close like a mother and son should be, like we were before it all fell apart. Alice and I started a clean slate. We apologized to each other for all the hateful things we said to the other deciding that we were both wrong.

My father, even though he was remarried, came to all of the therapy sessions, agreeing to whatever the doctor said. His guilt for what happened to us was palpable, admitting that he was to blame just as much as anyone. We came to an understanding, actual able to talk with one another civilly.

The one person that I never tried to make up or apologize to was Bella. During that whole time, I never forgot about Bella. I constantly thought about her and what she was doing. Not one day went by that I didn't think about how things had ended between us. I wanted to apologize to her, tell her how wrong I was, that I used her in the worse possible way.

But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept thinking that she was better off without me. The guilt that riddled me for the way I treated her made me believe that I didn't deserve to have a part in her life anymore. I used her, took her friendship fore granted, then when she expressed her love for me, told her that I couldn't care for her that way and I liked her friend. I hurt her in the worse possible way, so in my mind she was better off without me.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Standing here in Bella's childhood home, waiting for her to wake up after she basically had a break down before my eyes, I realize that the choices I made regarding her were selfish. All these years that I didn't take the time to talk to her and explain what happened thinking that she was better off without me in her life was wrong. She was never allowed closure because I never gave it to her.

Apparently she was never able to put behind her what I did to her. Over the past fifteen years she was left to believe that she was never good enough for me or Charlotte and that we chose drugs over her. What a fool I have been.

Since I became clean, I have had many regrets. My biggest regret was the way I treated Bella. Now after what I saw today, I know that staying away was the worse thing I could have done.

Watching her fall apart before my very eyes was worse that I could have ever imagined things would have gone between us. I knew that there would possibly be screaming and yelling, heated words passed between us. But I didn't consider the pain I would see in her eyes. They ripped at me, tearing my soul apart.

When she stood there in the rain after the service was over, her clothes clung to her, showing off her delicate frame. Rain dripped down her face mixing with her tears, accentuating her paleness and the dark circles under eyes. My heart clutched at the sight.

Her breathing became erratic causing Charlie to grip her arm in support, and when he did, she literally snapped. She started screaming for him to leave her alone jerking away mumbling that Charlotte was afraid of the dark. When Renee tried to reach out to her, she jerked away from her as well and Renee looked so defeated I thought that I would see if she would listen to me.

Years from being a counselor taught me that when your patient is upset you should approach them in a calm manner. Trying to move slowly and speak quietly, I reminded Bella that she had done everything she could. When she turned on me, the hurt I saw in her eyes made my throat burn with tears that I couldn't seem to stop. All I could think was 'I did this to her.' She yelled at me, claiming she was never enough, that Charlotte and I threw her love away. Over and over she asked why she was never enough.

Wanting nothing more that to take it all away, I reached out to her. What she did next didn't surprise me. She shoved me screaming at me not to touch her. Then she said the words that I was most afraid to hear. She hated me. I broke her heart and she hated me for it. Letting her take her anger out on me, I stood there while she pushed me.

When she became weak from the exertion and her sobs overtook her body, she fell against me, my arms wrapping around her body trying to hold her to keep her from falling apart. There was nothing I could do but tell her I was sorry while over and over again she told me she hated me. Finally her body gave out on her, passing out in my arms.

"Get your hands off my daughter! Don't you think you've done enough?" Charlie stalked over to me, grabbing Bella's shoulders to pull her out of my arms.

Renee grabbed Charlie's arm yanking it away. "Charlie stop it! This isn't the time. We need to get Bella home."

"I want that bastard to take his hands off of her." Charlie's face was red with anger, his fists clenching at his sides.

Renee reached out her hand to Charlie's, smoothing out his fist, intertwining their fingers. "Let him carry her to the car so we can drive her home. She needs to go home. She's been through enough."

"Shouldn't we take her to the hospital?" Fear was gripping me as Bella stayed motionless in my arms.

"She wouldn't want that. She's exhausted. I'll call James's father to come over to see about her. He is a doctor. Bring her to the car then follow us home." Renee gave me a small smile.

"Renee. This fucker isn't allowed in my home." Charlie ground out between clenched teeth.

"Well it's my home too. And Bella's. I'm sure Edward wants to make sure she is going to be okay." Renee snapped causing Charlie to glare at her in return. "As far as Bella is concerned, it will be her choice this time as to whether she wants Edward there or not." Renee shrugged before she turned and walked towards the car.

So that is where we are now. Charlie standing guard outside Bella's door, staring at me with hate filled eyes. At the moment, it really didn't bother me. He couldn't hate me anymore than I hated myself.

Renee went in with James's father, Dr. Anderson. Renee had explained to me that not only was he James's father, but a fishing buddy of Charlie's. The look of disapproval he gave me before he walked into Bella's room lead me to believe that he knew the whole story as well.

I could feel the hatred from Charlie rolling off of him in waves. The air in the hallway was thick with tension as we both stood there waiting to here if Bella was okay.

My cell phone rang breaking me out of my thoughts. Snatching it quickly from my pocket, I hit the silence button. There was nothing more important to me right now than to know about Bella.

"Why are you here?" Charlie's voice surprised me. He hadn't said a word to me since the graveyard.

"I want to make sure Bella is okay." My voice sounded gravelly, thick with all the emotions that were lodged in my throat

Charlie snorted. "Really, Edward. Since when did you care if Bella is okay or not.

When have you ever cared about her?"

"Charlie. I know you won't believe me. But I am truly sorry for the way I treated Bella."

"You're right Edward. I don't believe you." Charlie pushed off the wall to stand directly in front of me. Years ago, I always had to look up to him, now we were eye level.

"Do you want to know why I don't believe you? I remember how you were. I remember what you did. You were a drug user who didn't care about anyone but yourself. Nothing mattered to you. The only thing you cared about was getting high."

"When Bella became your friend, I tried to convince her to stay away from you. I wish I had tried harder." Charlie shook his head. "But she wouldn't hear of it. She said you needed her. I could tell by the look in her eyes that it was too late. Renee and I argued over you, just like we argued over her friendship with Charlotte. But Renee believed that Bella would be good for you two. That Bella would be a good influence."

Charlie rubbed his hand over his face. He looked much older at that moment as worry etched his features. "We knew that Bella wouldn't use drugs. We taught her what drugs would do to you and to just say no. Because of my job, she knew the consequences. So did I. I knew you would never be able to care about Bella the way she cared for you. Then, you proved it. The way you threw her heart away. It broke her. Then when you overdosed, she was worried sick about you. But a lot of good it did her. You never contacted her again. Even after you got better, you never even took the time to explain anything to her."

"Bella was always a shy girl. She kept her feelings to herself. But after you did what you did, she shut everyone out. At least she would confide in her mother, but that changed when we tried to keep all that mess from her. She turned to Charlotte and look how that turned out for her." Charlie raked his hand through his hair.

"I didn't want her to worry or care about you. She deserved better than to care about an addict who didn't care about her in return. The worse part of it was after everything, she I could tell she still loved you. I hoped over time that she would forget about you and move on, but she couldn't. She still loved you even though you weren't even here. Because she loved you so much and you never returned her feelings, she felt like she wasn't good enough for anyone. I could see it in her eyes."

Hearing Charlie describe what I had feared the most caused my stomach to lurch. There was nothing I could say in my defense. Every thing he said was true. The one person who tried to so hard to be my friend and show me that someone did care for me, I pushed away. How was I ever going to make things right?

Charlie and I both turned to the sound of Renee and Dr. Anderson leaving Bella's room. Renee made her way to stand between me and Charlie looking between us as if she could sense the hostility. Renee placed her hand on Charlie's arm, instantly I could see the calm wash over him.

Charlie turned to Dr. Anderson. "How is she?"

The doctor pushed his glasses up his nose. "She's fine. I really think it was just an anxiety attack. Between Charlotte's funeral and everything else, it was just too much for her." He looked at me pointedly to let me know that I was the every thing else he was referring to.

"Will she be okay?" Charlie asked, his voice softening.

"Yes. I told her to get some rest. She needs to eat too. She's lost weight since the last time I've seen her."

At the sound of footsteps pounding up the stairs we all turned to see James. His eyes were filled with fear as he approached his father.

"I got here as soon as I could. How is she Dad?" His voice was laced with worry.

Dr. Anderson explained to James what he had explained to us. When he was finished James closed his eyes, a whispered 'Thank God' escaping his lips. As his eyes opened, they fixed on mine. The worry for Bella had been replaced with anger towards me.

"You just couldn't stay away could you? What did you think you could accomplish by coming back now? Did you come back just to see if you could shatter the rest of her heart?" James yelled at me.

"I never meant to hurt her." My feeble attempt at my defense sounded pathetic even to me.

James stalked over grabbing me by my jacket giving me a shake. Last night I thought I would fight this man if I had to. At the moment, letting him kick my ass would be the least of the punishment I deserved.

"How can you say that? She has been hurting since the day you walked out of her life. But you never knew that because you never came back. Do you have any idea what you've done to her? How much pain you've caused her." James blue eyes seemed to turn black with anger.

"I'm beginning to see." I could and it was making me sick.

"No you haven't." James reared his fist back to punch me. "But I'm going to show you." Closing my eyes, I braced myself for the punch.

"Stop." My eyes popped open at the sound of Bella's voice. James stopped in mid swing upon hearing her. His grip on my shirt tightened while he held his other arm reared back ready to strike.

"I said stop. Please." Bella whispered hoarsely. She was slumped against the door jamb, her face pale. Renee rushed to her side, wrapping her arms around her waist to support her.

With a pained look on his face, James released me, turning to Bella. "How can you defend him? After every thing he's put you through. How?" His voice broke at the end.

"I'm not. But I won't let anyone make choices for me anymore. I won't let you or anyone else decide what is right for me." Bella's voice was low and soft, but I could hear the determination in it.

"Bella, please." James held his arms out towards her, pleading.

"James." Bella sniffled, tears starting to stream down her face. "For once in my life, I want the choice. Don't fight with him. Please. I need to do this. I need to talk to him."

James nodded once dropping his arms down to his sides. His shoulders slumped knowing he was defeated. He loved her. It was more than obvious that he would do whatever she wanted because of it. Silently he walked away down the stairs never looking back.

Dr. Anderson said his goodbyes to Charlie and Renee, reminding Bella to take care of herself before he quickly followed after his son.

My eyes turned back to Bella. Her eyes were red, tears pooling in them, spilling over streaking down her beautiful face. Her color had not returned, causing the dark circles under eyes to stand out. Standing there in her mother's arms, Bella looked like the young girl that I had befriended so many years ago. My chest constricted at the sight of her looking broken and frail from all that she had been through.

Looking at her, I knew I was doing nothing but hurting her by being here. I was coming between her and her father, causing problems between him and Renee, making her come to my defense against the man who I knew was in love with her.

"I think I should go. Goodbye Bella." Turning on my heels, I started to leave. She had been through too much for me to stay here and remind her of all the things that had gone bad in her life.

"Wait, Edward." Bella whispered. Stopping, I turned to face her. My breath caught in my throat at the sadness in her eyes.

"Give me some time Edward." Bella murmured so low I almost didn't hear her. "I'll call you. I just…I need time."

"If that's what you want." She nodded weakly. "Whenever you're ready Bella. I'll be waiting."

And I would. I would wait for as long as I had to. If that is what she wanted, then I would wait. As long as she wanted me to. If I had to spend the rest of my life making this up to her, I would. She deserved nothing less.

**A/N: What did you think? Please review and let me know. This story has had over 6,000 hits and so many people have this story on alert. I would love to hear from you. Please forgive my mistakes, I don't have a beta.**


	12. Going Under

**I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. My kids are out of school and I can't seem to find the time to write, much less concentrate.**

**Thank you to all who have reviewed and put this story on alert. Please keep those reviews coming, it lets me know how I'm doing. Thanks to Cullenfan524 for being with me since the beginning. **

**A special thanks to robots will cry for being my beta on this chapter. Not only did she fix my mistakes, but she listened to me ramble. She has a cute one shot called The Self Help Section you should read.**

**My friend and I went to eclipse last night and I just loved it! It was awesome!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story and plot are mine.**

_So go on and scream_

_Scream at me I'm so far away_

_I won't be broken again_

_I've got to breathe_

_I can't keep going under_

_Going Under by Evanescence_

Chapter 12: Going Under

BPOV

It's been three months since we buried Charlotte. Three long months of days and nights blurring together in my mind of memories that were best long forgotten. Memories of things that I had tried to block out for so long that were now drowning me. It started before the funeral, but the sinking sensation just grew and grew to the point where I felt like I couldn't even tread water anymore.

It was surreal to me in many ways. There were times in the past that I wouldn't see her for a while and I would worry, wondering what had happened to her. It was always in the back of my mind that someday she would never come back.

Now that someday had come.

I knew that one day I would eventually lose her, that she would walk out the door and never walk back through it again. But knowing that and the reality of it are two different things entirely.

My days are consumed with what ifs and should haves. What if I had been able to convince her to go to rehab? Maybe I should have forced an intervention. If her parents and I had stood up to her and made her get help, maybe she would still be here. But at the same time I knew that you couldn't help anyone unless they wanted help.

The maybes were driving me insane.

Charlotte didn't want to change. She didn't see anything wrong with her life. She loved getting high. She loved getting high more than she loved anything else.

Including her.

Including her parents.

Including me.

That hurt as much as losing her. The fact that I wasn't enough for her to change her life or make her want to get help made me feel insignificant, worthless. It wasn't the first time that I wasn't important enough to someone to make them change.

My nights were filled with nightmares. Sometimes in my dreams, I would see her the way I did the night she died in the hospital. Her lifeless body lying in the hospital bed, her skin cold to the touch; no color in her except for the bruises under her eyes, and her lips that had turned blue from lack of oxygen.

Other times I would dream of when we were teenagers. It would be the three of us together hanging out at Mitchell's or sitting together at lunch in school laughing. Although those were trying times being a teenager, it was so much fun to be around them.

Even back then when she was just starting to experiment with the heavy drugs, I couldn't stay away from her. I knew that what she did was wrong. My father had taught me that nothing ever good came from drugs. I knew that I would never experiment with them because of the repercussions and the ultimate fear of my father if he found out. But she was my friend, and I wouldn't abandon her. No matter what.

A few times I had tried and talk to her or help her, but it would never go well.

_It was a typical Friday night at Mitchell's. Music was blaring out of the speakers from the songs that I had chosen to play. It was easy to express myself through music since I was unable to articulate myself through speaking. I was way to shy to be as open as Edward and Charlotte were._

_Edward and Charlotte had just finished snorting lines of coke that Mitchell had cut up for them. They had been drinking since we had arrived. Edward was sitting on the couch laughing at something Mitchell had said while Charlotte was swaying to the music._

_Charlotte stumbled falling to her knees spilling her drink all over the floor. I jumped up to help her, putting my arms around her so I could help her back to her feet._

"_Get the fuck off me. I can stand on my own two feet damn it!" Charlotte yelled at me. Tucking my head, I turned to the kitchen to get something to clean up the mess. With dish towels in hand, I bent down to dry up the mess. _

"_That's right. Good little Bella, always trying to do the right thing. Don't you ever get tired of being so good?" Charlotte's condescending tone brought tears to my eyes. This wasn't the first time that she had lashed out at me like this. When Charlotte was in a foul mood, she usually acted out against whoever was closest. I was usually the one on the receiving end._

_I continued to mop up the mess without saying a word. The music had stopped causing the room to be unusually quiet. I sniffled once causing Charlotte to whimper in protest._

"_Oh God Bella. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Forgive me. Please." This was Charlotte's famous line. She would always say that knowing good and well that I would do just that, forgive her. _

There were so many times that I had seen her so wasted that she couldn't even stand up straight that it became second nature for me. Sometimes she was a funny drunk and would make you laugh so much that your sides would hurt. Then there were times that she was a nasty drunk and you wished you could just knock her out to put you and her out of misery.

It wasn't always bad. The good times outweighed the bad. Through the good and the bad, I stuck with her. She was my friend.

She lived her life vicariously and I couldn't help but gravitate towards her or Edward. It was easy to be sucked into their life and laugh along with them. Even though I knew what they did was wrong, I still hung around with them silently hoping that they would change the things they did.

But it never happened.

Since the day we buried Charlotte, my life has been a total mess. Not only was I not sleeping, but I couldn't eat. It was surprising that I hadn't lost more weight than I had. I could eat some, but my appetite was almost non existent. My throat was raw from crying and thick with all the emotions coursing through me. I couldn't swallow my own spit sometimes, much less food.

On top of everything else, thoughts of James were constantly nagging at me. The hurt that was so evident on his face when I told him not to harm Edward haunted me as much as everything else. To him, I know that he thought I was choosing Edward over him.

James was in love with me. I knew that. I had known it for a long time. The way he looked at me sometimes when he didn't think I was paying attention. The way he would be with me and talk to me when I was upset. Sometimes the way he would hold me was more intimate than just a friend would or even a boyfriend would. Sometimes it was like a lover's embrace.

That scared the hell out of me. I had never intended for him to get so close to me. Between our family connection and the other things that had brought us together, it was inevitable I suppose. But I struggled to keep him out of my heart. He gave me what I had longed for from someone else. But because he wasn't the one I had wanted to be with, it was hard to let him be close to me and yet it was easy to accept his attention.

He still wasn't the one I wanted to love me.

I didn't want anyone to love me. I didn't want to love anyone. My parents were the only people I loved besides Charlotte and I kept them at an arms length. The one I had loved and turned me away had broken me and love was the last thing I ever wanted again. My heart just couldn't take the hurt again. There was no way I could let anyone to get that close to me. I don't think I would survive it another time. Especially now that I have lost Charlotte.

James has given me the space I needed to try and deal with my problems. The only problem was that I couldn't seem to get a handle on my emotions enough to talk to Edward. I just couldn't bring myself to call him yet.

Thoughts of him were consuming me, driving me mad. Seeing him, after all these years was confusing the hell out of me. The feelings I still had for him scared me. It was as strong now as it was then. Love truly had no boundaries.

My mind kept going back to the same thought over and over again. What did he want? Why after all this time did he feel like he had to talk to me? What could he have to say now that could make a difference? He said he wanted to apologize to me, but I didn't think there was anything he could say that would make a difference now.

The only reason that I could come up with that he came back for was Charlotte. He wanted to his pay respects to her. It had nothing to do with me. It never had anything to do with me.

I still can't believe he came to the funeral. The night before the funeral, when James had confronted him, I didn't think he would come back. When he was there the next day, I was flooded with emotions from seeing him. The rapid beats of my heart, in response to being around him again, slowly chipped away at my armor. I was already falling apart. My reaction to him just made everything that much worse.

The funeral went by in a blur. When I think about it, the only thing that sticks out in my mind is what happened afterwards. It wasn't surprising to me that I fell apart. I knew that it was going to happen; I just didn't know what was going to topple me over that edge.

The thought of Charlotte being in that casket brought back memories of the times that we had to sleep with a night light, because she was afraid of the dark. All of the memories of her came crashing in on me at once. Then with Edward being there, the dam broke and my shield cracked, it all came pouring out of me with a force that couldn't be controlled, even with all the years I had of doing just that.

It was all too much; Charlie trying to calm me down, Renee trying to reason with me, Edward's calm and cool demeanor. All of it pushed me over the edge that I had tried so hard to hold onto.

All the things I had ever thought of saying to Edward came rushing out of my mouth, along with the anger that had built up in me over the years. As I yelled and screamed at him, I pushed him and shoved at him, while my body overloaded with all of emotions I was feeling, until I couldn't take anymore and I passed out.

When I woke up, it took me a moment to realize where I was. Lying there in bed, it all came rushing back to me. Trying to regain some of my composure before I left the room to face everyone, I heard raised voices outside my room. It didn't take long for me to know what was happening.

Facing them was hard to do. I was damned no matter what I did. If I let James hurt Edward, I was sure that it would push Edward away and I wouldn't be able to get the answers that I so desperately wanted. The other choice would be to let James do his worst and take his side against Edward ultimately rejecting him as he had done to me so many years ago.

I just couldn't do it. Even though Edward had hurt me beyond repair, I just couldn't do to him what he had done to me. This was my choice. For once I was given a choice. If I chose badly, then at least I could say that I was to blame.

Truthfully, there was really no choice in the matter at all. It was Edward. It was always Edward.

It wasn't easy hurting James. He had been so good to me and I did nothing but throw it back in his face by discarding his feelings. When he left, it chipped away at my already fragile heart to know that I had hurt him.

When I looked back to Edward, I could see guilt in his eyes along with sadness. It was clearly written on his face that he felt responsible for all that had happened. He started to leave and my heart stopped at the thought of him walking away from me again. Almost to the point of begging, I asked if he would give me time before I could agree to talk to him.

I'm so pathetic.

Edward said he would give me time, agreeing to wait as long as I needed. Although I wasn't sure how long he would wait or how long it would take me to gain the courage I needed to confront him. I hadn't seen or heard from him since Charlotte's funeral which raised doubt in my mind. Did he just give up like before? Was he giving me the space that I needed to deal with everything? The only problem was that I wasn't dealing with it all.

A soft knock at my door interrupted my thoughts. "Bella?" My mother's voice questioned. "Can I come in?"

My mother was just as upset as I have been these last few months. She was worried about me. I could see it clearly on her face. Her only child was wasting away right in front of her and she couldn't do anything about it.

At night when my nightmares had awakened her with my screaming, she would come to me and hold me until my breathing had evened out again and the tears had subsided.

During the day she would watch me as if I was about to fall apart, which wasn't far from the truth. Her voice was always soft, full of concern when she tried to tell me over and over again that what happened to Charlotte wasn't my fault. Deep down I knew she was right, but the guilt that was layered over my heart would not let what she said penetrate through.

My heart. My heart hurt so bad. It ached so bad that I thought my chest was going to cave in. The loss of Charlotte was bad enough, but it also brought back memories of losing Edward all over again. Then on top of hurting James and the hurt I was causing my parents from my catatonic state, I was surprised I hadn't fallen apart.

When Renee entered the room, I knew what she saw. I was sitting on the window seat, my legs curled up to me with my arms wrapped around them and my head resting on my knees. It was second nature for me to keep my arms around myself now, making the pain a little more bearable holding myself together.

From lack of sun, I was paler than my usual white skin. What was normally creamy white with a healthy glow, now had a sickly parlor to it. Dark circles under my eyes, which were rimmed with red from the tears that threatened to spill at any given moment. My clothes hung off my body, making me look even more thin and frail than before.

Since the funeral, I hadn't listened to the radio for fear of hearing a familiar song. Music had once been my outlet to express myself. Now it was a bitter reminder of what I had lost. The television and the stereo sat in the corner, the remote sitting on top covered with dust from not being used. Even my favorite books, sitting on my bookshelf collecting dust, no longer held interest to me.

After Renee surveyed the room, her eyes met mine. The sorrow that dulled her eyes brought tears to mine. Guilt layered upon guilt, knowing that I had put that look in her eyes for the way I was acting now, and the way I had in the past. Unable to take anymore, I turned my head to look out the window.

"You can't keep doing this baby. You can't keep blaming yourself for something that you had absolutely no control over." Renee sighed deeply and sat on the window seat with me. She pried my fingers away from legs, lacing her fingers with mine.

"If you want to blame someone, blame me for encouraging your friendship with her. Blame the drug dealers that Charlotte bought her drugs from. Blame the people who got Charlotte started on drugs. Blame Charlotte." Renee's voice was calm at first but steadily grew louder as she continued. She stopped abruptly realizing that she was practically yelling at me.

Taking what looked like a calming breath, she started again. "Charlotte was so impressionable. I thought that maybe she would see that you could have a good life without drugs by being friends with you. But I was wrong. So very wrong. It broke my heart the way she ended up. It broke my heart even more as I watched you suffer. You're still suffering Bella. I can't stand it anymore."

Renee stood, pacing the floor in front of me. It was so unlike my mother to be so keyed up and upset. She was normally calm and collective. Worry for me had driven her to this.

"We're going away for a while. I've rented a beach house and I'm taking you away from here. There are too many memories for you here. You need some time to heal without all of this staring back at you." Her arms swept out gesturing around the room, but I knew that she meant everything; the house, the neighborhood, the town.

She sat down taking my hand in hers lightly stroking my palm. "I've watched for years as you shut everyone out of your life. If anybody tried to get to close, you would pull away. I'm not going to let you do this again."

"I know Charlotte was your friend. She was the only person you let get close to you besides Edward." As the pain flashed across my face, she framed my face with her hands forcing me to look into her eyes. "I also know that when everything happened with Edward, you turned to her because you felt betrayed. I'm sorry that you every felt that way. You don't know how much I regret the choices your father and I made on your behalf. It was not done lightly."

A sob tore out of my throat as tears streamed down my face. Renee gathered me in her arms, cradling me to her like she did when I was a child. I missed this. Being in her arms while she comforted me broke down the rest of my shield I had built around my heart. For once, in a very long time, I let myself go. I gave into the need to be loved by my mother and let her take some of my pain away.

I'm not sure how long she held me. For the first time in a long time, relief washed over me. When I was younger, I wasn't always open to physical contact, but when I needed it, I knew my mother was there for me. As she held me, I was comforted by the thought that she was still there for me. Even though I had held her away from getting too close, she was still there.

My crying slowed. The pressure that was in my chest lightened. The pain was still there, I knew it always would be, but it wasn't weighing as heavy on me as before. Letting go of all the pain and guilt I had pent up inside me, letting my mother hold me in her arms becoming my shield for once, was more freeing than I could have imagined.

Renee's fingers were lightly stroking my hair, reminding me of when I was a little girl. When I was sad or upset, she would run her fingers through my hair and lightly tease my scalp making me forget all my problems.

There are some things that you will never forget, but you can set them aside for a little while.

"Bella, your father and I love you more than anything else in this world. All we ever wanted for you was for you to be happy. Whatever you need us to do, we will do for you. If you don't want to go to the beach, we don't have to go. We just thought it would be nice. Your father was going so he could fish some." I couldn't see her face, but I was sure that she was rolling her eyes. Some fishing to Charlie would be the equivalent to a lot of fishing for someone else.

Her fingers were still running through my hair while she held me close. "You took a leave of absence from work so that you could grieve. I also think that you did it so you could figure out what you are going to do now. I'm not sure if you will be able to do that here. I think it would be good for us to get away. All of us. It will give us a chance to reconnect."

A giggle escaped from my lips before I knew it. The sound was as foreign to me as it seemed to be to her. Renee pulled away from me looking me in the eyes. The first hint of a smile I had seen on her face since the funeral tugged at the corner of her mouth. Her smile was infectious and I couldn't help but give a timid smile back.

"And just what do you find so amusing?" Renee questioned as her eyes crinkled in the corners as her smile grew bigger.

"You were always so big on feelings." I told her as I rolled my eyes, emphasizing the word feelings, when another giggle burst from my lips. Renee had always been one to express herself without hesitation. Charlie and I, being the quiet ones we were, had always got a kick out of Renee when she started talking about expressing your inner self.

Renee wrapped her arms around me in a bone crushing hug. "Oh, Bella. I've missed that sound."

The fact was so did I. It had been a long time since I had laughed so freely, especially with my mother. Since everything with Edward, I had shut her out of my life without a second thought. I had done to her what Edward had done to me. My body stiffened from the memory.

Renee sensed the change in my body instantly releasing me so that she could look at my face. "What's wrong Bella?"

Thoughts of the way I had treated my parents and pushed them away wracked my body with guilt making my stomach recoil. The guilt of that had been layered on with everything else.

"I'm so sorry Mama. I shouldn't have shut you out the way I did." I murmured as the tears began to stream down my cheeks again. "I was so hurt when Edward rejected me. Then when he overdosed, the idea of something happening to him regardless of how he felt about me, I was heartbroken at the thought of him dying. When I found out that you and Daddy had lied to me, kept what happened to Edward away from me, it was all too much."

Hastily I wiped the tears off my cheeks. "I turned to Charlotte because I knew that she would always be honest with me. No matter what, she wouldn't reject me, lie to me, or keep things from me. But most of all, I knew I would never have to let Charlotte get too close. She didn't want people getting close to her and I wouldn't let people get close to me. We shared a bond because of how long we had been friends and all the things we shared with each other, but we never let the other inside."

"Even though that is all true, I still loved her. Unconditionally." Pressing a hand to my heart, I felt the erratic beating that alerted me that I was panicking. This had happened several times since the funeral. Remembering what had been had caused me to have a panic attack causing my heart to palpate and a sheen of sweat would break out across my skin even though I was ice cold. "I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. No matter what she did or how she treated me, I loved her like she was my flesh and blood."

Wrapping my arms around my mother, I buried my face against her and began to sob. She embraced me as my tears soaked her shirt. "I loved her. She was everything to me. Just like you and Daddy are. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I will never do it again. I love you Mama."

"I know you do. Just like I know you love Charlotte. Bella, you did what you thought you had to do to protect yourself. Don't worry about it anymore. Don't worry about anything. Let's worry about getting you happy. That's all we want for you, is to be happy. We love you."

It felt good to let the warmth of her love surround me, reaching deep inside easing my troubled heart. She understood and accepted what I had done in order for me to survive and I was forgiven. It was so easy for Renee to love me even after I pushed her away after all these years. Along with her love, she gave me forgiveness which eased a little of my guilt.

My thoughts shifted to Edward. Would I be able to forgive him so easily? Only time would tell.

**A/N: What did you think? Hate it? Love it? Sucks or what? Did any of it make sense? Please review and let me know. This story has almost 8,000 hits and so many people have this story on alert. I would love to hear from you.**

**A few things I would like to say. Bella is on a downward spiral because she has so much to deal with at one time. The loss of Charlotte, hurting James, realizing that she hurt her parents and on top of all that Edward coming back at the worst of all times. **

**She is trying to process all of this alone and hurting because she is scared to trust anyone. As far as Edward goes, I don't think anyone would forgive him so easily. He hurt her. The hurt is deep and rooted. She may still love him and want answers, but she can't forgive him just yet. Give it time.**


	13. Nothing Man

**I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I know, I suck, my deepest apologies.**

**Thanks to Cullenfan524 for being with me since the beginning. Thank you to all the other people who have reviewed and have this story on alert. **

**A special thanks to robots will cry for being my beta on this chapter. Not only did she fix my mistakes, but she listens to me ramble. She has started a new story called, The Nature of Wolves, go check it out.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story and plot are mine.**

_Once divided_

_Nothing left to subtract_

_Some words when spoken_

_Can't be taken back_

_Walks on his own_

_With thoughts he can't help thinking_

_Future's above_

_But in the past he's slow and sinking_

_Nothing Man by Pearl Jam_

Chapter 13: Nothing Man

~Edward~

Time goes by faster than we want sometimes. The days and weeks and months just seem to fly by. You look at the calendar and realize that it is the first of the month and then you wonder where the last month went.

Other times it moves slower than you can stand. Time seems to lull by leaving you with nothing but time to think. In those moments that is when I wished that I could just shut my brain off. The more time I had to think, the more I drove myself crazy.

It has been months since Charlotte's funeral and the aftermath of what I consider one of the most fucked up days I had ever had in my life. It ranked right up there with the day I told Bella that I didn't feel the same way about her that she did me. The pain that I had seen in Bella's eyes, during the funeral and after, haunts me every time I close my eyes. The grief and guilt that swirled through her brown eyes pulled me down with her. I had seen the look in her eyes before, and each time it was me that had done that to her, whether it was intentional or not, it was still me that caused that anguish to cloud over her.

When I was a kid, doing drugs and drinking myself into oblivion, I let myself be dragged under the influence of the drugs and alcohol so I didn't have to deal with shit. Now that I'm older and I no longer have the comfort of drugs to impair me and make me forget things or ease the pain, I'm forced to deal with reality sober, and it makes things so much harder to deal with.

Bella's guilt was something that I understood all to well. The worry and trouble I caused my family was something that I lived with everyday. Even though I had apologized and tried to make amends however I could, I still couldn't escape the fact that I had done the things I had to them.

Just like I couldn't escape the fact that I had hurt Bella the way I had. I couldn't explain why I felt the way I did. Some probably wouldn't agree with the fact that I felt guilty for hurting her, that I was young and on drugs and wasn't in control of myself, much less my emotions. But I don't think anyone could understand the connection we had with each other. I hardly understood or appreciated it myself, especially back then.

When you're an alcoholic or an addict of any type, there is a twelve step program that you have to go through. I have completed all of the twelve steps, but one.

There is one person that I harmed that I never even tried to make amends to. But I was never sure if it would do more harm than good to fix things, so I never tried. It was a huge mistake that I regret more and more every day.

When I think back to those days of us hanging out and being together, some memories are crystal clear, while others are faded like old photographs. More than anything, I remember the intensity of our relationship.

I had never had a friend before Bella. There weren't any childhood friends that I had, or any others that I had made through school. Feeling more like a social misfit and outsider, I had never felt like I belonged. Then when the shit hit the fan at home, I became even more withdrawn from people. The only person I had felt comfortable with was Jeff, until Bella came along and of course Charlotte.

Charlotte was the catalyst to it all; the beginning, the end, the miserable days in between. I couldn't and wouldn't blame my drug use on her, because that came way before her. No, only I could blame myself for that. I had turned to Jeff before I had even met Bella or Charlotte. But my feelings for Charlotte led me down a path that I should have never followed. I shouldn't blame her at all. It was me alone that had the feelings I had for her. And she never reciprocated them, doing to me exactly what I did to Bella. It wasn't a good feeling to be rejected by someone you thought you liked.

I shouldn't blame any of my problems on anyone. I should blame myself for my addiction, because it was no one's fault but my own when I started using. I could have said no, but I wasn't strong enough. My parents were fighting like hell. They didn't fight in front of us most of the time, usually fighting at night behind closed doors, but that didn't stop me from hearing them. Some of the things they said to each other were so hateful and cruel and I never would have believed that those spiteful words would ever cross my parent's lips, much less say them to each other.

Soon, the fights escalated and couldn't be contained behind closed doors anymore. It all became too much, I had to find a way to escape. Alice would go to Rose's to get away when she could, but I had no where to get away from the hell of my home life.

_I had just turned thirteen the first time I smoked my first joint. I had snuck out of the house so I wouldn't have to endure another shouting match. Nothing I did could drown out the ugly words and names that were passed between my parents. Crawling out my window, I made my way out into the silence of the dark night, relishing in the quietness that I never found at home anymore. _

_While I was out walking, I stumbled across someone sitting under the trees on the bank of the creek that ran behind the neighborhood. Smoke surrounded him as he sat there puffing on what I knew wasn't a cigarette because of the distinct smell that wafted through the air._

"_Hey, dude. What you doing out here so late?" the guy questioned as he continued to take deep pulls, making the end light up bright red, illuminating his face in the dark._

"_Nothing, man. Fucking parents are stroking out on each other," I shrugged._

_He motioned for me to sit down. "Yea, man, the parentals suck. That's why I'm sitting out here getting high. My name is Jeff. You wanna puff."_

That was it. I was hooked. The more I did, the more I wanted. A little was never enough. It didn't matter what Jeff had, I tried it. We got drunk, we got high, we did both. It was the escape I was looking for. I craved it more than a man craved water that was dying of thirst in the dessert.

But once I befriended Bella, she was the calm to my storm. And even though I wanted the drugs and needed them, I needed her as well. Her presence always calmed me whenever I couldn't get my fix. Once we became friends, she was the one I sought out and wanted to be near. At school, I would always seek her out to be close to her. At the time I deluded myself in believing that it was Charlotte that I wanted, but once I was sober, I realized it wasn't just Charlotte, it was Bella I wanted.

When you are a teenager, you are at a time in your life where you are easily influenced and vulnerable to your surroundings. Obviously I was more impressionable than most of the kids my age. The bricks were stacked against me in so many ways; my home life, my lack of friends and my attitude, which to this day is still brooding and self loathing. Everything about me made me the perfect candidate for drug use.

Because I was messed up most of the time, I was never thinking clearly. Nothing ever made sense to me. The only thing that I understood was that getting fucked up made me forget about everything else. Instead of worrying about my life, I could get high and laugh and have fun, something that I never had unless I was high.

The fact that I was not in control of myself and I was abusing drugs and alcohol ruined any chance that I could make a rational decision. I was no more responsible for my decisions than a child would be.

And though truly I wasn't responsible for my actions, that didn't lessen the guilt I felt when it came to Bella. There were so many things that bothered me about that time in my life; it was hard to put them all into words.

Regardless of the fact that I didn't return Bella's feelings she had toward me, I still hurt her when I told her that I couldn't be with her that way. There was probably no easy way for me to let her down. I don't think there is an easy way to tell someone that you don't love them, but you love their friend. Maybe I should have lied. Maybe I shouldn't have told her about the way I felt for Charlotte. But if I hadn't and Charlotte and I had ended up together, I would have hurt her by lying. I was damned either way.

No one knew better than I did how hard it was for Bella to open herself up like that to me. She poured her heart out to me, which I knew even then how hard it was for her to express herself to others. Bella and I were alike in that way. We held our feelings in, away from the rest of the world. I didn't like talking about my family life or how bad things seemed to suck for me.

Bella never talked much about anything. She had no problems at home. No one could have asked for better parents than Charlie and Renee Swan. They trusted her, gave her freedom and gave her the family life I once had had and only could dream of after my parents started fighting.

Even though Bella didn't socialize at school, she never had any kind of problems there. She was a straight A student, and I know she graduated in the top ten of her class. The most words she ever said out loud were when she would read to us. Sometimes she would sing along with the songs that she played.

She never talked about anything that was bothering her, even though sometimes I could catch a glimpse of emotions that would play out on her face, or in her eyes. I didn't understand what they meant, or how she was truly feeling, because she would hide them quickly behind a mask. She hid herself from the world using Charlotte and myself as her screen.

Bella had no other friends besides us. We had just started exploring our relationship when Charlotte came along, and that only consisted of her helping me out in class. As far as I knew, Charlotte and I were the first friends she really had.

Thinking back, we were the worse possible friends she could have had. We were never there for her like she was for us. Although, there was no reason in her life that she would ever need to turn to someone, she didn't have anyone to turn to. Neither me, nor Charlotte were capable of giving Bella what she needed from a friend. Sure, we hung out and laughed together. Most of our free time was spent with each other, either at school or at home. But we were never what Bella needed from a real friend. If anything, we were the worst kind of friend for her. All we were was someone who would use her, take what we needed from her, and continue to take and take from her without ever giving anything in return.

Worse than not returning her feelings and disregarding her the way I did, rejecting her for her friend, and using her any way I could, I left her. I left and never ever spoke to her again. Of course it wasn't by choice because of the overdose, but afterwards, when I was better or at least in my right mind, I never tried to talk to her again.

Even though I wasn't much of a friend to Bella, she was my friend. She didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated her. Friends just don't up and leave and never talk to you again, without an explanation. They don't almost die and then leave you hanging as to whether or not they were better or brain dead. I was sure that she knew about the overdose, that she knew I was sent to rehab. At the time, I was sure that Charlie had told her about what had happened, but she never heard anything else. Once I was out of rehab and was sent to that private school, it was like I had fallen off the face of the earth. To Bella, I was sure that was exactly how it seemed to her.

It didn't matter that things had happened the way they did. No matter if I was on my death bed, Bella deserved at least something from me. I could have written her a letter to at least let her know my side of the story. I should have at least told her I was okay. But I gave her nothing after she gave me everything. Every single part of her she gave me, while I just turned my back on her like she wasn't worthy. I disappeared without even so much as a phone call. I walked out of her life leaving her with nothing, as if I didn't even exist.

I can't imagine how Bella must have felt after I left. She must have been worried about me. She was always worried about me. There wasn't a time that I know of that she didn't try to watch out for me and take care of me. Then look at the way I repaid her. I just walked out of her life and never looked back again.

But I was so confused and angry once I was in rehab. I didn't want help. At the time, it didn't matter to me that I had almost died. All I could think was that I could feel everything. I had been numb for so long and now my emotions were reaching up and grabbing me, pulling me down to the pits of hell.

And it was hell.

It was all too much. The hate and love I had for my family. Remembering the angry words that we had hurled at each other without regards to what we were saying or how it would hurt the other.

The rage and hurt that still consumed me because of finding Charlotte the way I did with Mitchell. Images of what they were doing together made me want to gauge my eyeballs out with a spoon and pour bleach over my brain to burn those images out of my mind.

The anger at myself because of how I had treated Bella. The hurt I had caused her that had been so evident in her eyes, and the way her body slumped in defeat. It was all too much and I didn't see how being sober was going to help me.

But even after rehab. Even after therapy. I still couldn't get things right in my head. I was broken. I was nothing. Nothing. I had never been able to give Bella anything before. There was no way I had anything to give her after what I did to her.

But to think that not only did she lose me, but she was left in the world that I very narrowly escaped. Even though Bella wasn't a user, she was still around Charlotte and the drugs. Living your life with a drug addict is as bad as being one. The highs and lows that users go through, all the people in their life experience them right along with the user. Charlotte was on the path to hell just like I was, with Bella falling in step with her because she was unable to do anything else than try and watch over her like she always did.

"Edward? Are you here?" Alice's voice carried through the yard, echoing off the stone wall that separated my backyard from the rest of my land behind my house.

It was inevitable that she would come looking for me, seeing that I had avoided any lengthy conversation with her, so that she wouldn't figure out what was going on with me. After rehab and therapy, Alice and I became friends. At first, it was tentative at best, sometimes awkward as we tried to mend what we had done to each other and build something new.

It was hard to believe that we could ever be that way considering that we had treated each other with such utter disdain during the darkest days of our life. Alice had apologized over and over for her behavior towards me, just as I did to her, and then we figured out that we only had each other when it was all over with. She would always be my sister and I would always be her brother, no matter if our parents were together or not.

"I'm out here Al," I called back, as I tried to wipe the emotions I knew that she would be able to read so clearly off of my face.

"Hey," Alice said, as she plopped down on the chaise beside me.

"Hey back," I responded, looking over and giving her a smile that I hoped I could make reach my eyes. Although Alice and I shared more with each other now than we did before, I wasn't going to let her know the depths of how bad this all bothered me. This was my problem to bear, not hers. "How are you feeling?"

Alice's hand automatically reached down to her belly, as it always did these days, a smile gracing her face when she did. She was about three months pregnant with her and Jasper's first child. "I'm good. The baby is good. If I could just keep from throwing up every morning, things would be perfect." Alice scrunched her nose up in disgust.

"I'm glad you and the baby are doing so well." This time the smile did reach my eyes, but I could see that Alice's eyes were narrowing at me, trying her best to read me like she always seemed to be able to.

"Thank you. Now tell me what is going on with you. Jasper won't tell me anything, said I needed to talk to you myself," Alice muttered, sticking her lips out into a pout.

I laughed in spite of myself. Jasper was the first person that was ever able to control Alice, and I loved him for it. They had met while I was going through the transition phase of my therapy. After rehab, and therapy while I attended the private school my parents sent me to, I had decided that I wasn't ready for the real world yet. My parents wanted to me to go on to college, but I didn't think I could handle it, after I talked to my therapist and explained my concerns, he agreed and suggested I look into places that was something like a halfway house. That is when I met Jasper. And when Alice came to visit, it was like love at first sight.

"Don't laugh at me," Alice scowled at me, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm worried about you. You haven't been coming around lately. We always talk. Like every other day. But lately, I'm lucky if I talk to you once a week." Alice threw her arms up in the air. "And then it's just a quick, 'Hi how are you?' thing. Something is bothering you and you're hurting, Edward, and I want to know what I can do to help."

Looking over to Alice, the sun was shining down through the trees, creating this aura around her, making the glow that was visible from her being pregnant even more pronounced. She didn't look like the screaming harpy that I once considered her to be. She looked more like a fairy godmother, or a pixie, ready to spread her dust around to make everyone happy.

She was right. Since the overdose and therapy, we did talk almost every day. It was strange at first, talking to her about whatever bothered me, but then it came to the point where I could talk to her easier than I could my therapist. She was much more intuitive than I ever gave her credit for. And right now, even though I didn't want to burden her with my problems, or let her see how bad things really were bothering me, I knew from being around her that I needed to talk with someone. All of these emotions bottled up inside were not good.

"It's Bella." Alice smiled and nodded for me to continue. Alice still regretted the way she treated Bella, and the things she said to her after the overdose. Once I had found out what she had said to her, that was the last fight Alice and I had had to this day.

"I don't…I just…I don't know what I'm doing here." I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends, enjoying the pain. "From the time that I realized how bad I had truly hurt her, I wanted to explain myself. I wanted to make her understand that it was never her. It was me. It was the drugs. She was never to blame for anything. But I wouldn't do it because I didn't want her to think that I was just asking for forgiveness because of my program. And now, how am I going to make her believe that after all this time, that I just wanted her to know that she wasn't to blame for anything. How am I going to make her understand?"

Dropping my heads in my hands, I continued. "You should have seen her the day of the funeral, Alice. It was heartbreaking. I stood there and watched her fall apart from all the pain she has carried around with her all of these years. She blames herself for Charlotte's death. She blames herself for not being enough to save either one of us. She kept asking me why she was never enough."

I looked back to Alice. It was almost eerie the way that Alice could calm me now with just her presence, when years ago the very thought of being in a room with her would make me angry. "So, not only am I going to dredge that all up for her again, make her remember what she has tried so hard to forget and the pain and hurt she has shielded herself from, now I am causing new problems. Charlie hates me. Renee wants me to help Bella, thinks that if we finally talk about what happened, that it will make things better. But that is going against what Charlie wants, so they are fighting because of me, which puts Bella in the middle."

"Then, there is this guy, I know he is in love with her. I can tell just by looking at him that he loves her, begging her to stay away from me. He even tried to kick my ass because he believes I hurt her. And she stopped him. She stopped him! She begged him to leave me alone so that she could talk to me."

My agitation got the better of me, so I stood up and began to pace. "All of this is going to hurt her more. There can't be anything good that comes from this. I should have stayed away. I should have never tried to talk to her again." The bitter laugh that bubbled up didn't surprise me. "But look what good that has done her. Staying away from her. No matter what I have done, no matter what I do, I still am hurting her. She says she wants to talk to me. Maybe she thinks she can move on and understand why all of this happened. Maybe it will help her, but I don't see how. I just know that I will never ask for her forgiveness, because I don't deserve it. She is hurting and it is all because of me."

Alice was quiet for a while, no doubt trying to analyze everything I said before she tried to respond to my tirade. "Edward, I'm not sure how to address some of these issues, but I'll start with some of the obvious ones." She took a deep breath before she started. "As far as Charlie goes, I kind of have an idea what he might be feeling." Alice's hand drifted down to her belly. "Bella is his only child. He would do anything to protect her and make her happy. Because of what happened so long ago, he thinks he failed. He couldn't stop her from being hurt, and she is still hurting and he has no way to fix it. In his eyes, you are the reason that she is hurting and he blames you for all that went wrong. You're the bad guy in his eyes. You broke his little girl's heart and walked out of her life, never turning back again. In his eyes, no matter whether it was intentional or not, you hurt her. I know that if something or someone hurt my child, I would be like a mother bear and do whatever I could to protect them. Charlie is only acting like a parent. He wants to protect Bella, and he sees you as the threat."

"I think I could figure that one out all on my own, Alice," I growled in frustration.

"You know what I mean, smart ass." Alice rolled her eyes at me. Sometimes I could still be the pain in the ass little brother, but these days we could express ourselves to each other, without trying to cause each other pain. "What I'm trying to say is, we protect the ones we love. Just like me when you were doing drugs. I yelled and screamed at you because I knew what you and your friends were doing wrong. And I hated your friends because of it. You were my little brother and they were doing things with you that I knew would hurt you. I hated them for that. Just like Charlie hates you for hurting Bella. She is his child. He only wants to protect her."

"Now Renee, she is a different story. From what I remember about her, she was almost like a love child. Love would fix the world. Am I right?" Alice looked to me for confirmation, and I nodded. "She probably thinks that if Bella and you talk, that everything will be right in the world again. She sees this as an opportunity for things to be made right. If Renee and Charlie are fighting over this, really you can't blame yourself for that. Renee has her views and opinions, and Charlie has his. If they clash, that is their problem. You have to do what is right for you and Bella, and not worry about all of the little things. You can't worry about things that are beyond your control. You of all people should know that."

Alice was right. What went on between Charlie and Renee wasn't my problem. But I was worried about how this would affect Bella. Would she hate me even more because I was causing more problems in her life? "I just don't want to cause problems between Charlie and Bella. I don't want him to be mad at her if we do talk."

"You can't worry about that either, Edward. Not right now. If you are determined to set things right between you and Bella, focus on that. If this is what Bella wants, she is an adult. She can choose for herself whether or not she wants to talk to you. I don't think she will be too happy if Charlie tries to interfere again. Do you?"

As I was trying to make sense of all she was telling me, I could only shake my head in response. Alice sat up a little straighter, her determination not faltering. "As far as this guy goes, it is the same as with Charlie. He probably sees you as a threat. Maybe he thinks she is choosing you, or maybe he thinks that because of you, Bella can't move on. Maybe all of it is true, but again, right now you can't worry about that. If Bella can't move on because of what happened in the past, this guy doesn't need to blame you entirely, it's just as much as her fault as anything else."

"Alice," I warned. I wasn't going to sit here and listen to her bad mouth Bella.

"No," She put her hand up to stop me. "Hear me out. Bella had a crush on you. She told you she loved you, and you turned her down. The fact that she couldn't move on from that is not your fault. You didn't ask her to love you. Just like I said before, whether it was intentional or not that Bella was hurt, is not your fault." Alice grabbed my hand to stop me so that I could look at her. "You can't blame yourself for what happened after the overdose. Or before the overdose. Bella made a choice. She chose to love you when you were in a bad way. She chose to stay friends with Charlotte, knowing the way she lived her life the way she did. You can't take the blame for the choices she made. If she shut herself off from the rest of the world because she was afraid to be hurt again, that was a survival mechanism that she did to protect herself. That was something Bella did, not you."

"You sound like Jasper," I muttered, causing Alice to smile in agreement. "No, I didn't ask her to love me. But she did. She cared about me, and put up with all my shit when no one else would. I'm not sure what the hell she saw in a teenage drug addict who was more worried about where to get his next hit, or how he was going to get together with her friend. But she did."

I scrubbed my hands down my face. "No matter what you think, I feel like some of the blame falls on me. No, I couldn't reciprocate the way she felt for me, but she was still my friend. She was the only true friend I had. Jeff wasn't a friend, he was my drug connection. Charlotte was just the object of my affection. Bella tried to look out for me. She actually cared what happened to me. Then I just left with no explanation, or anything. I hurt her."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Edward. I wish that I could make you see that you are not completely to blame, no matter if you think you are or not. I just…I thought we both learned that we can't take the blame for someone else's problems."

I knew what Alice was referring to. She was talking about the problems that our parents had, and the effect that it had on our lives. What happened between Elizabeth and Edward Cullen Sr. wasn't our fault, but we blamed ourselves, we blamed each other. And worst of all we let their problems become our own, and it almost ruined us. Especially me.

Sitting back in the chaise lounge beside Alice, I looked over and tried to smile at her. "You're right, Alice. I know you're right. Jasper has told me the same thing, so has every other therapist that I have ever talked to. But I just can't see it that way. I feel responsible for some of what happened. Mainly I regret walking out of her life the way I did. She was my friend. Above all else she was my friend."

"Well, maybe this talk that you two will have will do you both some good. Maybe it will help you to eliminate some of this guilt you have been living with, and maybe it will give Bella some closure. So when are you supposed to have this talk?" Alice questioned, arching her eyebrow at me.

"I don't know," I whispered. "I haven't talked to her since the funeral. She asked me to give her some time. It's killing me, but I'm trying to be patient."

"Why don't you pick up the phone and just call?"

"Because she asked me to wait," I responded running my hand through my hair again. "I'm trying to respect her. That is something I didn't do before. I want to show her that I will respect her wishes. That we will do this on her terms."

"How do you feel about Bella?" Alice asked quietly. My head jerked up to look at her.

How did I feel about Bella? I wasn't really sure. My feelings toward Bella were never anything more than friendship. It was Charlotte that I had wanted. She was the one I wanted to be with. She was the one I thought I loved.

"I don't know. I mean…I never thought about Bella other than a friend. But when I saw her at the funeral, I had this urge to pull her into my arms and protect her."

I didn't understand my reaction of wanting to hold her and touch her. It was something I had never felt before. A sense of possessiveness came over me when James held her the way he did at the visitation that night. Almost instinctively, my body wanted to be the one that comforted her. I wanted to be the one to hold her. I wanted her to turn to me.

This was just one more thing I didn't know how I was going to handle. I would keep my promise to Bella. I would wait and talk to her when she was ready. But all of this was almost more than I could handle. I wasn't sure how things were going to turn out once we did confront each other and open up all of the old wounds. I was sure that there would be more. I just hoped we both could survive it.

**A/N: What did you think? Hate it? Love it? Sucks or what? Please review and let me know. This story has over 10,000 hits and so many people have this story on alert. I would love to hear from you.**

**I was surprised by the reaction I got from the last chapter. If you feel that strongly, I must be doing something right. Just remember not everyone reacts the same as you would in a given situation, we are all wired differently. Under these circumstances, I don't think anyone would expect Edward and Bella to jump right into a relationship together. The HEA will come, but they have some major shit to work through.**

**Also remember that this is my story and please don't ask me to change how I perceive my characters. It is also categorized under angst for a reason. **

**Maybe this chapter cleared up some stuff. Or maybe it will piss some more of you off. We'll see.**

**My beta thought I should give you a heads of up what's to come. Next chapter Bella is going to deal with something she should have done a long time ago. Then the next chapter will have the beginnings of Bella's and Edward's interaction.**

**Sorry for the long A/N. I'll update as soon as I can. **


	14. Not Meant To Be

**Thanks to Cullenfan524 for being with me since the beginning. Thank you to all the other people who have reviewed and have this story on alert. **

**Thank you to robots will cry for being my beta. I bugged her bad about this chapter and she was gracious as always putting up with my crap. **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story and plot are mine.**

_It's never enough to say I'm sorry_

_It's never enough to say I care_

_But I'm caught between what you wanted from me_

_And knowing that if I give that to you _

_I might just disappear_

_Nobody wins when everyone's losing_

_Not Meant To Be ~ Theory of a Deadman_

Chapter 14: Not Meant To Be

~Bella~

There is something about the ocean that soothes you, calms you as you watch the water slip in and out with the tide. The sound of the waves hitting the shore lulls you into tranquility, drowning out everything else. You gain some sort of peace while you are watching the sunlight bounce off the water as everything shimmers with light around you.

This time had made me see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn't what you were thinking. This wasn't like when someone almost dies, and upon waking, they claim they dreamed of a white light beckoning them to the other side. No, this was me coming out of the dark. Slowly it was fading from the deep black of night to the soft glow of first morning's light.

It had been so long since I had let my feelings come to the surface. For far too long, I had kept everything bottled up inside, buried deep so they wouldn't ripple out and try to penetrate my carefully constructed shield. The darkness that I had let surround my heart was slipping away, allowing small cracks of light to penetrate, filling my heart with warmth again.

Since we had arrived here, I've spent most of my time sitting here just like this, under the huge beach umbrella, allowing the ocean and its power to take me over. Seeing nothing but water for miles ahead, the enormity and force of it, you realize just how small you are in this world and that there are bigger things out there than just you.

Sometimes Renee and I talked, other times we just sat here enjoying the heat of the sun warming our skin. We had driven down, taking our time, not rushing as most do. Most people didn't like to drive so far, but I didn't mind so much. Being able to see the scenery up close and not being cramped in a plane with so many other people made it that much more appealing to me.

The modest beach house Renee had chosen was perfect for what we wanted. We had our own pool and hot tub that overlooked the ocean with a dock nearby that Charlie enjoyed fishing from. The beach wasn't filled with tourists like it would have been had we stayed at one of the resorts or condominiums, so it was nice to have it mostly to ourselves, other than the people who were staying at the beach houses that lined the beach close to ours.

Being with Charlie and Renee like this made me realize how much I had missed them. The guilt of shutting my parents out started to be overridden by the pain of the time I had missed with them. We were never the touchy-feely people that most families are, but we still loved each other. Even though emotionally, I had shut them out, I always knew that they would be there for me.

Opening my heart back up to my mother was more healing than I ever expected it to be. Letting go was easier than I thought. Once it started coming out, I didn't think the words or the tears were ever going to stop. Eventually they did slow down, but never ceased completely. Little things would remind me, triggering a memory, causing them to flow again, but it became a little easier.

The cracks in my heart were slowly beginning to heal, making the pain almost bearable at times. My heart still hurt, feeling shattered like a piece of glass when you drop it and all the little shards were hard to pick up, and I knew without a doubt I could never put it together again.

Hopefully one day it would mend, but I didn't fool myself in believing that it would ever be whole again.

Breathing became easier as the tightness in my chest had lessened. The pressure at times had been almost unbearable from crying and sobbing. No longer did I feel the need to rip my throat open just so I could breathe. Just like everything else, it became easier as the days passed.

The time away had given me time to think and made me realize some hard truths about myself. My conversations with Renee forced me to see a different side of things. No one was to blame for the paths that I had chosen but myself. It was my choices that led me to where I was today and I couldn't point my finger at anyone but me.

I had chosen to become friends with Charlotte and Edward. Even though Renee encouraged me to have a friendship with them, not only to help them see a better way, but also to possibly help me open up, it wasn't her fault. She never dreamed that things would end up the way they did, and neither did I.

Which lead me to another conclusion; just as my choices were the ones I had made, and no one else was to blame, the choices that Charlotte and Edward had made were their own. Only they were guilty for their choices. The fact that they used drugs and alcohol, even though everyone that cared about them, including me, wanted them to stop, it was their choice not to.

Knowing all of that never completely eased my guilt. My brain still worked overtime thinking of interventions and confrontations that might have made a difference. But in my heart, I knew that nothing I could have done would have made a difference. They were both too far broken to want or to even accept help.

And it was very hard to get my heart to reconcile with my brain the fact that it still felt like it was my fault that I could never get them to stop using drugs. It never left my mind.

And in my own way, I had an addiction too. I may have not been addicted to drugs, but I was addicted to them. Wanting to be with them, spend time with them anyway that I could was as unhealthy for me as it was for them to do drugs. Being with them eased the insecurities I had of my own, so in my own way, I was using them as much as they used me. We were basically enabling each other.

I may not have been addicted to drugs, but my addiction to them was no different. The shy person that I was used their openness so that I could live my life through them. I had never had any friends before them. My shyness and insecurities kept me from opening up to anybody. The actual thought of trying to make friends with someone made me sick with nerves.

But just like anyone else, I was desperate to have someone to relate to and that could relate to me. Some sort of connection with someone other than my family. So when Edward, then Charlotte, came into my life, I was able to do something I had never done before.

To just be.

To hang out and listen to music and read, and not worry about how someone felt about me, or worry if they were judging me by the things I did or the way I acted. They didn't judge me because I dressed in ratty jeans and t-shirts or Converse shoes.

They didn't care that my dad was a police officer, or that my mom was nothing short of a hippie.

They didn't care that I liked to read Jane Austen, and would even sometimes listen to me read, even though I would blush with embarrassment when they watched me. They didn't care that I liked listening to Green Day or Pearl Jam, or all the other types of music that I liked to listen too.

They just didn't care, and they accepted me for me and that was beyond wonderful.

I guess that was what made it even harder when Edward was gone. Charlotte was gone too, and even though we were communicating some through the mail, I had no one to be with. Those first days after all that happened, they were the hardest. I had no one to talk to, or hang out with. Resolving to myself to shut away my feelings and my heart, I buried myself in my studies, because truthfully, I was so lonely.

I missed Edward so much after he left. He was not only my friend, but the boy who I fell in love with. God only knows why I loved him, a child's fantasy, or a little girl's dream of falling in love with the brooding, sad prince. I did fall in love with him though. Irrevocably, and apparently unconditionally, I fell in love with him.

The fact that I fell in love with Edward was not his fault. I had felt an undeniable pull to him, this inexplicable need to be close to him in any way that I could when I had started watching him, and then it became stronger as we hung out together. Even though I knew deep down that the drugs were bad and the drinking was bad, I still wanted to be around him. Every time I looked at him, I was lost in his sad eyes, drowning me in his sorrows. I wanted to make things better for him. I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to help him. I wanted to love him. It was all true, but it wasn't his fault that I felt the way I did.

Of course my decision to tell Edward was another choice of my own that was just wrong in so many ways. My reasoning for telling Edward was blurred by the car surfing incident, otherwise I probably would have kept that secret to myself. I had already decided not to tell him, but I got it in my head that if he thought someone cared for him, that he wouldn't do the things he did to himself. I felt compelled to let him know that I loved him so he wouldn't feel so unwanted.

It was selfish on my part, knowing that he didn't feel the same way for me. I should have never told him how I felt. I didn't have to open up to Edward the way I did. I didn't have to pour my heart out to him, confessing my love for him. It was completely obvious that he had feelings for Charlotte. I knew by the way he looked at her, the way I could see his body react or the way he hung on her every word. He was totally and utterly captivated by her and everything she did. That alone should have kept me quiet, but it didn't, and I regret to this day for telling him. I pushed him away. And wondering how things would have been if I hadn't, constantly nagged at me.

So many things could have possibly been different if all of us had made different choices. But there was no way to know now.

Even after all my reasoning and reassessing of ever thing that had happened, my guilt for Charlotte's death still lingered in my soul. I had finally come to terms with her death. It didn't make it any easier, but I knew that I wasn't the reason that she was using drugs or drinking. I knew that I didn't give her the drugs. I knew that no matter how things turned out, it was ultimately not my fault. But my broken heart didn't see it that way. And maybe it wasn't exactly guilt that I was living with, but maybe it was the sorrow and anguish of a life so easily lost when it didn't have to be.

A shadow crossed over me, blocking the sun, making the bright red that I could see through my closed eyelids turn a soft shade of pink. Opening my eyes, I could see my father standing over me with a smile on his face. But when I looked closer, I could still see the worry creasing the sides of his eyes and a furrow between his brows.

"Hey, kiddo," Charlie said almost awkwardly. Things between Charlie and I weren't to the point that Renee and I had gotten to yet, but things were getting easier between us. The only problem that Charlie and I couldn't resolve was Edward, his presence at the funeral and the fact that I agreed to talk to him. In a nut shell, Charlie hated Edward.

"Hi, Dad." Even though things were still not back to the way they were for us all those years ago, as close to they ever were before, considering that Charlie and I are so much alike in the way we are closed off people, I had started calling him Dad. Charlie seemed so impersonal to me.

"You about ready for lunch?" Charlie asked pleasantly.

"Is it fish again?" I joked, smirking up at him. Since we had been here, we had eaten fish almost everyday. Charlie had thoroughly enjoyed himself fishing, even taking a deep sea fishing tour a couple of times.

"Ha! Very funny," Charlie chuckled at my lame excuse of a joke. "Actually, your mother is cooking spaghetti."

"Is it safe?" I whispered in response.

This time he threw his head back and laughed loudly, reminding me of happier times. "All she has to do is fry the meat, then pour the jar of sauce over it and boil the noodles." He seemed to contemplate a minute, then added, "I have the phone number for the pizza delivery place close to the phone, just in case."

I smiled and giggled, and then I was flooded with a memory of something very similar to this happening a long time ago.

_It was a Friday night. Edward and Charlotte were at my house, sitting at the kitchen table, giggling like fools. I was sure they were stoned or drunk, but didn't know which. Even though sometimes Jeff didn't like for them to come over when his friends his age were going to be at his house, he would give Edward and Charlotte a little something to get them by._

_Charlie walked in the door, scrunching up his nose and took one look around the kitchen, and saw Renee standing over by the stove, he shook his head slightly before taking a deep breathe. As soon as he did, he started coughing to the point I thought he was going to gag._

_Of course, Charlotte and Edward died laughing, and I turned to them, giving them a wide-eyed expression, hoping that they would understand what I was trying to communicate to them. 'Hello, my dad is home, you know, the cop," which seeing my expression did nothing but make them snicker that much more. I smiled in spite of myself before turning away, before I burst out laughing along with them, and made Charlie think I was just as fucked up as they were._

"_Uh, Renee. What are you cooking?" Charlie asked, perplexed as the rest of us, I'm sure, to even find her in the kitchen. Renee and the kitchen were like oil and water, they just didn't mix._

_Renee turned to face my father with a pout on her face. "It's supposed to be beef smorgasbord, I got the recipe out of a magazine, but something is just not right." She stirred the ingredients around in the pan again, making the horrible smell emanate from the dish, filling the room and making all of our noses pinch up in disgust._

"_Renee, honey, why don't I order a pizza for us?" Charlie suggested, looking over to us, winking. I glanced back at Edward and Charlotte, and when my eyes met theirs, we all began to laugh loudly._

"Hey, where did you go?" Charlie touched my arm, bringing me out of one of the happy memories that I had held onto so dearly.

Blinking up at him, I shook my head so that I could focus on my father again. "Just remembering."

Charlie was quiet for a moment, leaving me to my thoughts. "Bella, your mother and I were talking. We need to head back. It's time to go home."

"I know, Dad. It's time." There was no way I could avoid what I had to do any longer. It had already gone on for far too long.

"Have you given any idea as to what you are going to do when you get back?" he asked with concern.

I had. I had thought long and hard about the steps I needed to take when I went back. They would be hard, but I knew that it was what I needed to do. If I wanted to move on, I was going to have to put so many things behind me. I was scared that the first step was going to be the most difficult of them all.

"Yeah, Dad. I do. It's not going to be easy, but I know what I have to do."

"Bella, you don't have to do this." My father sighed heavily. He didn't have to elaborate. I knew what he was thinking. He was talking about Edward, but I was talking about James.

"That's where you're wrong. I should have done this a long time ago." In fact, I should have never let it go as far as I did. It was wrong of me in so many ways. Just another example of me doing to someone what had done to me, and it had to stop somewhere. This couldn't keep happening over and over again. It had to stop.

"You don't have to talk to Edward, you know. Not now. Not ever." I could hear the anger start to seep into Charlie's voice. This was not going to be easy.

"It's not Edward, Dad. It's James."

"Oh…well…that's different," Charlie stammered, tucking his hands in his pockets, relief washing over his features.

"I'm letting him go."

"What?" Charlie demanded, his baffled face bunching up.

"I mean, I'm letting him go. I should have done it a long time ago. I shouldn't have ever let it go this far. He deserves so much better." And he did. James is a good man who deserved someone who could love him.

"Bella, do you really think that is such a good idea?"

"Do you really think that I should keep stringing him along when I don't love him? When I have never loved him? When I will never love him?" I retorted sharply.

"Just give it a chance."

"What do you think I have been doing? I tried so hard to let him be the one I could turn to and love. I can't do it. I just can't love him. I don't love him." I could feel the anger start to boil under my skin. It was like it was so many years before, he wanted to control my life, control how I should feel about someone.

"This is about Edward, isn't it? It's always about Edward. He's no good for you. You know that, don't you? He just left you and never looked back." Charlie began to shake his head. His face turned red, contorting with anger. "I'm not going to let you talk to him. I'm not going to let him hurt you again."

"Excuse me?" I asked incredulously. Closing my eyes, I turned my head toward the heavens, begging for strength.

"I said, I am not going to let you talk to him." Charlie hissed, punctuating every word. "I am not going to give that bastard a chance to hurt you again. I should have stopped it last time. I…"

My eyes snapped back to his. "You don't have a choice in this. Not this time. This is my choice," I yelled back at him.

Here we go again, I thought bitterly. It seemed to run in cycles. Dirty, vicious, cruel cycles. Everything that happened in my life seemed to run in cycles.

Charlie sighed loudly, clearly avoiding what I said. "Don't you see that he is the problem here, not the solution?"

"No, I don't. Edward isn't to blame for all of this. He told me he didn't love me. It's not his fault he couldn't return my feelings. It's not his fault that I couldn't let go. I didn't have to curl into myself with the pain and let it consume me, pushing everyone out of my life. It's not his fault I shut you out. It's yours." My breathing was becoming shallow. My heart was racing. I could feel an anxiety attack coming on. I didn't want to fight with my father like this. Not again. I needed to calm down.

"What is all the yelling about? What's going on out here?" Renee demanded, as she came running down to the beach.

"Bella! I was only looking out for you. You are my daughter. My only daughter. It's my job to protect you," Charlie roared at me.

I took a deep breath. I had to calm down so that I could try to do this rationally, without alienating Charlie and to keep from panic attack. "I know, Dad. And I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. But we can't blame Edward for everything. If I have learned one thing, we are all to blame in one way or another. But I'm tired of blaming anyone. I'm tired of blaming Edward for not loving me back. I'm tired of blaming you for not letting me make my own choices. Edward. Charlotte. You. Me. I'm just tired of pointing the finger at someone else. It has to stop."

"Charlie, this is her choice." My mother laid her hand on Charlie's arm, trying to calm him down.

"Mom, don't." I couldn't let her get in the middle of this again. "Dad, I love you. I'm so sorry things happened the way they did. I wish I could change things, but I can't. The past is the past. But I can try to make things better." I gave him a watery smile. "And that is what I am going to try and do. For everybody." I reached out and took his hand. "But you can't protect me from something I did to myself. And I don't want to fight with you about it. And I don't want you fighting with mom either. This is my choice. I have to do what is right for me. Please understand. Please," I begged.

Tears were streaming down my face. My parents standing before me turned blurry and before I knew what had happened, Charlie had gathered me up in his arms, pulling Renee into the embrace with us.

I was overwhelmed by his show of emotion. This was not like us. We were not a touchy-feely family. But it was a start. It was more than I could hope for, considering everything we had been through. And I hoped that it would give me strength for what I had to do next.

The ride home was quiet, but not uncomfortable. All the tension that had been in the car with us on the ride down had been replaced by an easy existence, like we had shared in the past.

I wasn't sure if it was me, or if it was Charlie, but I think we both had come to some sort of understanding. This is my life. I had to do things for me, for once. But I knew that Charlie and Renee would be there for me, no matter what happened, and I took comfort in that.

When we arrived home, I took my suitcases and put them in my car. I hugged my parents and promised them that I would call when I got home. It was time for me to go home.

_Home_. I was almost scared to go back to my loft. I hadn't been there since after the funeral. Renee had driven me there to pick up some things, and when I walked inside, the thought of having to stay there by myself overwhelmed me with this crushing sense of despair of being alone, which made it very easy for me to accept Renee's offer to stay with her and Charlie for a while. There was no way I could stay there alone.

Just the thought of being alone there scared the hell out of me. For years, I enjoyed my solitude, not having to worry about someone asking questions or pointing out the wrongs of how I was living my life. There was no one that was around on a daily basis, so I didn't have to answer to anyone other than myself. I had wanted it that way since I had decided to walk away from my life, but I couldn't imagine being that way anymore.

When I opened the door, I took a deep breath through my nose, inhaling the scent that was distinctive to my home, a sense of comfort washing over me. Even though the thought of being here alone still bothered me, it was still my home. The thought of my things that I had surrounded myself with soothed me.

I was surprised that it didn't smell musty or wasn't covered in dust an inch thick. There was some dust, but not three month's worth. Renee must have come by and cleaned for me while I was staying with her. I made a mental note to thank her for taking care of everything for me in my absence.

Because of my OCD, the first thing I did was start unpacking my suitcase and began doing laundry. Then, I gathered my cleaning supplies, and started the task of cleaning up what little bit was dirty. Deep down, I knew that I was avoiding the real issue. I knew what I needed to do, but each time I thought about picking up the phone, my heart would hurt and panic would well up in my throat.

I didn't want to hurt him the way I had been hurt. But continuing on this way was not an option. I was only hurting him more by dragging this out.

After finishing all the laundry and scrubbing everything spotless, hunger pangs started to gnaw at me pulling me to the kitchen to find something to eat. One look in the refrigerator and my pantry made me realize that a trip to the grocery store was in order. Grabbing my keys and bag, I headed out, the whole time a little voice screaming at me in the back of my head, '_you're_ _delaying the inevitable_.' Every single thing I did was an attempt to prolong the unavoidable, making the guilt rip me apart inside.

Once I had spent more time in the grocery store than I ever had before, I trudged home feeling like the person who had just kicked their dog. No, I hadn't kicked it yet, I thought miserably, but the unmistakable feeling of knowing that was what I was about to do, didn't go away.

As soon as I finished putting the groceries away, I called him. I should have known that he would be waiting for my call. Because of Charlie's friendship with Dr. Anderson, he would know that I was back.

"Bella," James breathed softly into phone. "How are you? When did you get back?"

"I'm good. We just got back today. When I came home, I had to clean and go to the grocery store. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner."

"Hey, don't worry about it." James laughed quietly into the phone knowing how meticulous I could be about things. "I'm just glad you called. I missed you." His voice sounded so sincere, and the happiness that I heard caused guilt to layer upon guilt.

Without even replying to his statement, I plowed on. "James, I wanted to know if we could talk."

"Of course. When? I would love to see you," he responded instantly, the brightness in his voice causing my aching heart to retreat back into the darkness. If he knew what I was about to do, he would never sound so happy.

When would be a good time to break someone's heart? Would it be better to just get it over with, or keep on prolonging what you know is the right thing to do.

"James, I don't…" He interrupted me before I could tell him what this was all about. Like telling him over the phone that I was about to break his heart would have stopped him from coming over here. He is a lawyer, he is going to want to argue his case, and that was just part of the problem.

"Bella, let me come now. I'll be there in fifteen minutes." And before I could respond again, the phone cut off.

I dropped down on the couch, staring at the phone in my hand. Maybe I thought that if I kept it there long enough, James would magically appear back on the line. My stomach began to roll, the sickness welling up into my throat, making it burn like I was gargling acid.

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to hurt him. But I couldn't keep living this lie. I couldn't let James keep living this lie. There was no way that I could let him continue to hope or think that there might be a chance for us. There never was one and there never would be. We both lived with the delusion that one day I might turn a new leaf and forget about the one my heart really belonged to. That too would never happen.

Caring for James was never the problem, loving him the way he wanted was. He was one of the most wonderful people I had ever known. But there was no way that I could ever be what he wanted.

The knock at my door made me jump even though it wasn't really that loud. James had never been a loud person, his style being more relaxed and laid back. The only time I had ever seen him be aggressive was towards Edward, which was no surprise.

The few steps from my couch to my door for some reason reminded me of someone walking to their death sentence. My over dramatics were apparently getting the best of me. But it was true, all I could think about was behind that door was a man who was about to get a sentence he neither wanted nor did he know it was even coming.

Looking through my peep hole, I could see that it was James. Slowly, I unlocked the door silently, cursing myself for going so slow. As soon as I opened the door, strong arms wrapped around me, James' clean scent of soap and cotton enveloping me. His lips pressed against my hair and I could hear him inhaling slowly, taking my scent into him.

Any other time, I would have snuggled into his arms, relishing the way our bodies seem to fit. Deep down I knew these weren't the arms that I wanted around me, and if nothing else, that thought solidified what I had to do. I may never be able to feel Edward's arms around me, but I knew that nothing else would ever replace them.

"Bella," James whispered against my temple, "I missed you so much."

Removing myself from his arms, I evaded his statement again, making my way over to the couch. I couldn't repeat those words to him, so I figured silence was better than lying to him.

"How are you, James?" Mentally I scolded myself for trying to be nice in this situation and getting off track.

James sat down on the other end of the couch, turning to face me. "I've been busy with work." James kept looking at me, his eyes moving across my face, trying to read me like I was on the witness stand.

My hands gripped together painfully, twisting and wringing, letting the pain focus me. There was no way I could prolong this anymore. Just rip the band-aid off quickly and get it over with.

"James, I don't know how to say this. This isn't going to be easy for me. I should have done this a long time ago. I'm sorry that I didn't just say it before."

James stiffened slightly, as if he was bracing himself for an attack. "What are you saying, Bella?"

"I'm saying that I can't be with you anymore. I should have never given you hope that there might be something more between us." So fast I didn't even know it happened, James was kneeling down in front of me, gripping my hands in his.

"Don't do this, Bella." James pleaded with me, his words stabbing straight through to my heart.

My head started shaking back and forth. This was going to be hard enough as it was, but if he begged me, I didn't know how I was going to make it through this. Pulling my hands out from his, I stood up and began to pace the room. I couldn't do this if he was touching me.

"I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be. I can't give you what you need. You deserve better. You deserve to have someone love you," My voice was tired and anxious, my nerves were frayed from trying to make him understand, as I made my path across the floor. From my peripheral, I saw James stand up from where he was crouching down in front of the couch. He walked over, stepping right into my path, blocking me from pacing. His arms reached out and grabbed me, forcing me to look up at him.

"Don't you see? It's you I want to love me." James lowered his head down, whispering against my lips. "I just want you." His lips pressed against mine, soft and gentle. That is the way it has always been with him. Never pushing, never asking for more than I could give. His sweetness was killing me, little by little.

It was a vicious, vicious cycle that I kept spinning around in. Love unrequited. Rejection. Hurt. Pain. Last, but not least, death. More hurt and pain.

I loved Edward, but he didn't want me. Edward loved Charlotte, who barely loved herself and could care less about Edward, and definitely didn't love him in return.

Then James. He loved me and I couldn't love him in return. I was about to do to him what Edward did to me, because of Edward. The irony of the situation was not lost.

Over and over again it seemed like the people in my life could do nothing but hurt each other. I wanted it to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

With a strangled cry, I tore my lips from his. Easing my hands to James' chest, I gently pushed against him. He stopped immediately, looking down at me, hurt contorting his face.

Instantly I started shaking my head, tears flowing freely. "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you."

"Then don't. Let me be the one for you," James murmured, holding me close to him.

"I can't. I wish I could." If James only knew how much I regretted that I couldn't give him what he wanted.

"You can, Bella. You just have to try. We could be so good together. I can see it all. After we are married, we would move into a house together and make it our home. I can see you, your belly swollen with our child, sitting in a hammock in the backyard. That is what it could be, if you would just let it." James pleaded.

Hot, shameful tears ran down my cheeks. Instead of being upfront and honest with James from the beginning, I led him to believe that one day there might be a future for us. The knife in my heart twisted. I wasn't sure how much more pain I could live with in my life. The thought of hurting James this way was more painful than I ever thought it would be.

"I'm sorry, James. So sorry. You are such a good man. Since I have known you, you have been nothing but giving and kind. You've always put everyone else's needs before your own. You deserve to have someone who can do that for you. I'm not that person. I should have never led you to believe that there was a future for us and I regret it more than you know. We're not meant to be."

"God, he really fucked you up, didn't he?" James said wearily, his voice laced with regret. He walked over to the window, staring out into the night, his arms crossed over his chest.

I wanted to be angry at him for blaming Edward, as my father had, but I didn't have the energy to fight him and tell him the truth. No one could see that it was me who was to blame. "This has nothing to do with Edward. This is about me. I can't be what you want me to be. I love you. But I'm not in love with you."

"Why do people say that? It makes no sense at all," James contemplated out loud. Pressing his heels of his hands into his eyes, he paused for a moment, before looking at me with a pained expression on his face. "Please, don't do this. We can be good together. Don't listen to what he's told you."

"I haven't talked with Edward since the funeral." James looked surprised at my admission. "While I was away, I did a lot of soul searching. Edward's rejection may have hurt me, but it was me that held on to that and let it fester. Then with my parents, or anyone else that I was afraid might get too close, I shut them out to keep from being hurt again. Charlotte was the only one I would let get close, but even with her, I kept at arm's length because I knew that one day she would be gone too. I can't keep blaming Edward for the choices I've made and the way I've lived my life. It was a stupid first love that was unwanted. I can't blame him for not feeling the same way."

What little strength I had was slipping. My heart hurt, and the sobs that threatened to break free were ripping me apart from the inside out. My throat suddenly felt tight from the tears, and before I could continue, I tried in vain to clear whatever was lodged there. "I just know that I care too much for you to let you stay with me when I know there is someone out there that can give you so much more than I can."

James moved in front of me, his big hands reaching up and gently framing my face, his touch soothed and hurt me at the same time. It was a long time before he said anything, as he stared into my eyes. Whatever he saw must have convinced him that I meant everything that I had said. His head dropped and shoulders slumped in defeat. The look in his eyes said it all, he was giving up. He knew this was a fight he couldn't win.

At this moment, I hated myself more than I ever had before. Knowing that I had made him feel this way tore my heart apart.

"I'm sorry that you feel this way. I never wanted anything from you but your love. I can't make you love me. And I would never force you to try."

James gathered me in his arms, embracing me, I was sure for the last time. "Goodbye, Bella."

"Goodbye, James." With that, he turned and walked out the door, shutting it quietly behind him without looking back. In a daze, I walked over, locking the door behind him, locking out the rest of the world just as I had locked everyone out of my heart.

Turning around, I looked at my apartment and the emptiness that surrounded me. I did the right thing. I know I did. It wasn't fair to James for him to wait for something that will never happen. But why did the right thing hurt so fucking bad?

After turning out all the lights, I walked into my bedroom and changed into my pajamas. Pulling the covers back, I crawled into bed, curling up into a ball, holding my arms around myself to keep from falling apart, hoping that sleep would take me so that I could fall into a dreamless slumber and forget what I had done.

Could Edward feel my pain the way I could feel the pain I caused James? Did Edward hurt like this after he rejected me because he knew that he had hurt me? Should I even allow myself to hurt for causing James pain like this? I felt like whatever happened to me I deserved for hurting James this way.

Tears made a wet trail down my face, dripping off my cheeks, soaking my pillow. My head hurt from trying so hard to keep the tears away. My throat was so tight, I felt the need to rip it open just to breathe. And my heart. I wasn't sure if there was anything left to be saved.

I hoped that as I laid here in bed, that sleep would overtake me so that I could escape the agony that was pulling me down. But I knew that I was unworthy of such a wish, and honestly, I didn't think I deserved such a right.

I laid there in bed, watching the moon out my window, thinking about how everything had gone so wrong. Certainly I can't blame anyone else for the choices I have made.

My thoughts drifted to Edward and the way that he apologized for the way things happened between us. At the time, as much as I didn't want to believe that it was sincere, now thinking back, his guilt was palpable. Even though he didn't have the same sad look in his eyes that always drew me in, I can remember there was guilt hidden in those deep green eyes.

There was no way I could let him live any longer with that guilt. The guilt I felt was ripping me apart and Edward had lived with it much longer than I have. It was time to forgive and forget. Then maybe we could move on and put the past and all the pain behind us.

**A/N: You will either hate this or understand. Review and let me know. This chapter was hard to write. The next one is will be even harder. I'll update as soon as I can.**

**freaky**


	15. Overcome

**I apologize for taking so long to update, I suck I know. I have no other excuse other than real life has been kicking.**

**Thank you to all the other people who have reviewed and have this story on alert. **

**Thanks to Cullenfan524 for being with me since the beginning and pre reading this chapter for me and letting me know it didn't suck. **

**Thank you to robots will cry for being my beta, making sense of my words and helping me with the song choices and title for this chapter. She rocks!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story and plot are mine.**

_Everything we are and used to be  
Is buried and gone  
Now it's my turn to speak  
It's my turn to expose and release  
What's been killing me_

_Overcome ~ Creed_

Chapter 15: Overcome

~Edward~

The woods around my land were quiet. There wasn't another house close to mine for miles. When I found this land for sale, I knew it was exactly what I wanted, where I needed to be. The seclusion and quietness called to me. The adjoining property was undeveloped, my woods joined with those woods, and then continued on until it met the park reserve. It was isolated and cut off from the outside world.

I could walk my land, deep into the woods, without seeing another soul. This, more than anything, was what drew me to live out here alone, somewhere where I could enjoy my solitude. Especially after spending so many years under the scrutiny of every one I was around. For years, after my overdose, if I wasn't being watched by my parents, I was under the watchful eye of the people at rehab or at school. There were times where I would have done anything to have a moment to myself, to just be alone.

The fallen sticks from the trees and the crunch of the leaves underneath my feet were the only sound that could be heard. The rest of the silence of the woods, I embraced. The isolation I craved so much could be found here, giving me the space and silence that my body and soul needed to recharge, regroup, and let me just - be.

When I saw a flash of pink, my first thought was that someone was lost. My steps quickened, thinking it might be a child that had somehow found there way into the woods and couldn't get out again. As I grew closer, I could see that it wasn't a child, but a young girl sitting on a rock under the tree. When she heard me approach, she turned to face me and the suck of air between my lips at the sight echoed through the woods.

It was Charlotte. She was sitting there, holding a beer in one hand and, what I instinctively knew was a joint, in the other. Her eyes were the same as always, glassed over from the alcohol and the drugs, with a hint of that attitude, _I could care fucking less_, gleaming through.

"Well, hello, Edward. How have you been?" Charlotte asked, taking a long pull off the joint, plumes of smoke surrounding her head as she exhaled.

She looked exactly like she did in high school. Her hair had streaks of pink, her signature color, running through it. The pink shirt, with little skull and crossbones on it, matched her hair.

I'd had so many dreams of Charlotte over the years, not all of them pleasant, some snippets of things we used to do and others images I would give anything to forget. It was the same, though, every time I would dream about her. It would shake me to my core.

The only thing that kept me from freaking out was to remember that none of it was real anymore. "You're not real."

She laughed, that same throaty laugh of someone who smoked too much, had one drink too many, one that I had come to know all to well. "You just figurin' that out. There was nothing about me that was ever real, except, maybe my friendship with Bella."

"What do you want?" My distrust of her and the anger after what had happened so many years ago reared up.

This time, she took a drink from the beer, draining it, tossing the can aside. "That's a really good question. I've never been able to answer that myself. But…if I was given a second chance, I think I would like _not_ to hurt the people who love me. You can understand that. You've been where I've been. You know how it is when there is nothing more important than how you are going to get your next fix. It doesn't matter who we hurt as long as we get what we want. So…yeah…I wouldn't want to hurt the people that I love and love me."

What she said made perfect sense. "Yes, you're right. I wouldn't want to hurt the people who love me the way I did before."

"You were given a second chance. Don't throw it away. Don't hurt her again." She took another hit off the joint, and as the smoke circled around her and dissipated, so did she.

The phone ringing jolted me awake. My body was covered with sweat, my hair matted to my head, sheets twisted around my body. I scrambled around trying to find the phone, but before I could, I heard the answering machine pick up.

"_Hello. Edward? ... It's Bella. I didn't…I wanted…would you…gosh, this is so hard… I don't know what to say." _It was a long time before she said anything, making me think she had hung up. _"Can you call me? My number is…well you have my number…I'm back home…I went away with my parents…I'm sorry it took so long to call."_

Her voice filled the silence of my home. She sounded the way she did when we were kids, babbling nervously because she was so worried when she talked, afraid that people would notice her and become the center of attention.

As her voice filled the silence of my house, I struggled out of my tangled sheets and bolted from my room to the phone that hung on the kitchen wall. Yanking it from the wall, I said her name. "Bella?"

There was a long pause. "Yes."

Just hearing her voice, relief coursed through my body. The tension that had built up since the funeral started to ease. "How are you?"

"I'm…okay. Better, I guess. How are you?" Her voice was soft and quiet, as I remembered from when we were younger and talked on the phone. She sounded tired. If she couldn't sleep like me or her dreams were plaguing her the same way that mine were, I could certainly understand. I wanted to ask her if she was sleeping okay, but right now it seemed too intrusive to ask such a personal question when things were the way they were between us. It was a harsh reminder that I was no longer close enough to worry about her.

"I'm good. I'm glad you called." And I was. "What time is it?" The dream had left me disoriented and I wasn't fully awake.

"It's early. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you so early. I'll let you go-"

"No," I interrupted, practically yelling at her. I didn't want her to think that she had to let me go. "It's fine. Please don't hang up."

There was silence again. "Okay." She paused. "I couldn't sleep. We just got back yesterday. I had some things to take care of and…it was hard…and I wanted to call you."

I wondered what it was that she had to take care of that was hard for her.

"I'm glad you did." I repeated what I said before so she would know that I was. Even though I knew what all of this was leading to, I was still relived that she had called. Though I couldn't say it out loud, I had been worried.

"I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. I've been…trying to work through everything," she whispered into the phone.

"That's good. It's much better to talk about things than to keep them bottled up inside." As soon as I said it, I regretted it. Who was I to try and give her advice? I'd hid behind drugs and alcohol, keeping my feelings to myself. Besides, I had cut her out of my life, never looking back, ruining our friendship and whatever say I had in her life-which was none.

She was quiet for a moment, I guessed, absorbing what I had said. "You're right. That's why I called. I wanted to know when we could meet and talk." The tone of her voice had changed, she sounded determined, with a hint of anger or determination, and I couldn't decipher which. "That's what you want, isn't it?" It wasn't one or the other, it was both that I picked up her voice.

"Yes. I still want to talk," I responded quietly, but wondered to myself, at what cost to us. "Would you like to come here?" The suggestion was out of my mouth before I had thought it through. Ideally, it should be on neutral ground, somewhere neither one of us would feel threatened or trapped.

But I wanted her to see my home. I wanted her to see how I lived. I wanted her to see that I was not that same boy anymore, the one who had disregarded everything so easily.

She hesitated, and I waited for her refusal. What she said surprised me. "Okay."

"What about Friday? I can cook." It was another side of me that I wanted to show her. For some reason, I desperately needed to show her how I was now, instead of the troubled boy I was so long ago.

"You can cook?" She laughed at me, a simple sound that I had not heard in a long time.

"Yes, I can cook." Her slight at me made me smile. "What would you like? You name it, and I'll cook it for you."

She giggled at my agitated response. I wasn't sure if she was goading me or truly surprised that I could cook. "I love Chinese. Anything, as long as it's not spicy."

"Done. I can make a killer stir-fry with fried rice."

She hummed in response. "That sounds good. What time do you want me to come?" I could almost imagine her biting her lip like she did when she was nervous.

"Does six work for you?" After she agreed, I gave her directions to my house, letting her know that I lived almost thirty minutes away from town so she would know how long it would take her to drive here. Inwardly, I winced at what she would think about the fact that I was so close and I never tried to talk to her, or contact her in anyway.

After we hung up, I was filled with a mix of anticipation and worry. How would this go? Of course it could be bad or good, and I wasn't sure which I feared most.

If it went bad, she would hate me even more and I would have to continue to live with the fact that I hurt her, again.

On the other hand, if we talked and settled things between us once and for all, she could walk out of my life again and I would have to live knowing that we had forgiven each other, but she was out there in this world and I wouldn't be a part of it, again.

Besides agonizing over what was going to happen between us, I was still shaken from the dream I had of Charlotte. Even though I knew it wasn't real and that she was just an image my subconscious had dredged up, I couldn't help but think that the message she was giving me was very clear. It was a warning. Don't hurt Bella anymore.

Was it something that I had conjured up myself, telling me to tread lightly, something I had never done with Bella before? Or was it really Charlotte, letting me know that if I hurt Bella again, that she would haunt me until the end of time. Either way, this time, I would use more care than I ever had before with anything else. Deep in my heart, I knew, Bella couldn't take much more.

It was Thursday, so I decided that I would stop by the store on my way home from work to gather everything I needed to make dinner. I didn't want to feel rushed on top of all the other emotions that were already skittering through my head.

In the time since the funeral and my conversation with Alice, some days I felt like I had a handle on my feelings, and other days I didn't. Even though it made me mad that Alice had tried to make me see a different side of everything, I understood why she did. All those years of blaming me for everything that was wrong, she wanted me to know that I wasn't all to blame.

But I couldn't explain to her, that deep down no matter what she said, I would always have this gamut of emotions flowing through me. Guilt, sorrow, anger, and resentment all towards myself for doing the things I had done. Talking to Bella wouldn't ease any of those feelings I had, but just maybe, both Bella and I would be able to live our lives a little easier.

I began my day as usual, showering and getting dressed, then eating breakfast as I looked out my kitchen window into the woods. Some mornings, when I had time, I would take a walk in the woods. Watching the animals scurrying through the woods and the sun warming up the earth was a good way to get the day started. But not today, I was still shaken from my dream and couldn't even think of entering the woods for fear that I would see her. It was stupid for a grown man to be afraid of a dream, but the dream had unsettled something deep inside me, as it always did when I thought of Charlotte.

Once at work, I tried to busy myself with reading up on patients files and focusing on the topic of the group therapy session. There were many times that I would feel like such a hypocrite, telling people they needed to stop abusing drugs or alcohol, when that was how I ended up here in the first place. Jasper had always said that, "who could help someone more than a person who had been there - done that?" But that didn't help me when I felt like such a fraud because my life was far from perfect.

After work, I stopped at the grocery store, buying everything I needed to make Bella dinner and stocking my pantry. The more I thought about Bella being in my home, the more I wanted everything to look and be perfect. I didn't want her coming to my house and seeing it look like a bachelor pad. I wanted her to see the home that I had made, hoping that she would see me for who I was now and not the boy who had cared for nothing and no one.

That night as I lay in bed, even though I had not slept well the night before, sleep eluded me. I was edgy and nervous about what was to come. When I did finally fall to sleep, it wasn't peaceful, but at least there were no nightmares.

Friday started out the same, and again I avoided going into the woods or dwelling on my dream. Work went by fast, and before I knew it, I was at home preparing for our dinner.

When the door bell rang, I took a deep, calming breath, sending up a silent prayer for strength. Dinner was prepared and was smelling good. The house was clean and everything in its place. But I was tenser than I had ever been in my life.

When I opened the door, Bella stood there, eyes wide and wary, looking as uncomfortable as I felt. For the longest, we just seemed to stare at each other. Finally, I broke the silence.

"Hey," I said softly, moving to the side for her to come in.

"Hey," she whispered back, moving to the other side of the foyer, in what seemed to be an attempt to stay as far away from me as possible.

Silence surrounded us as our eyes locked on each other's. It was hard not to notice the faint blue smudges under her eyes that stood out even more because of the paleness of her skin. When I stepped closer and offered to take her coat, she backed up against the wall, pressing against it almost like a caged animal that had no where else to turn.

Her eyes look frightened and guarded, then right before me I watched her fear turn into resolve. She took a deep breath, steadying herself. Then she looked at me, her whole body straightening and her shoulders squaring off, her determination clear.

"It smells good in here," she said shakily, before clearing her throat. "Where did you learn to cook?" She took her coat off, handing it over to me when I reached to take it from her, but still kept a safe distance from me.

"I took some cooking classes in college. It was something to do to pass the time and to keep from starving," I chuckled nervously. "It's ready, let's eat." Setting her coat in the chair, I nodded my head towards the kitchen, motioning for her to follow me.

Even though she had shaken off the tension that was palpable when she came in the door, I could tell that she was just as nervous as I was.

While I began to put the food on the plates, I could see her looking around, taking everything in. I'd thought of showing her around the house before dinner, but decided I'd wait until afterwards, hoping that she would be more comfortable. She asked if I needed any help, but I politely refused, telling her she was a guest and to be seated. It was all very civilized and, for some reason, made me even more anxious.

"What kind of degree did you get, Bella?" I asked once we were seated. There were many questions that I had about her life, of what she had done after I was gone, that I desperately wanted the answers, but I decided to stick with safe subjects for now.

Bella tensed up slightly before shrugging her shoulder. "In accounting? What did you major in?"

"Psychology. With an emphasis in substance abuse counseling." She nodded at my answer, before taking her fork and pushing some food around on her plate. It hadn't escaped me that she was hardly touching her food.

For a little while, we discussed our degrees and our jobs. It surprised me that Bella had received a degree in accounting when she loved reading as much as she did.

After that, we began talking in a strained sort of way, almost like we were strangers thrown together by circumstances beyond their control, making polite conversation to pass the time.

Inside, I bristled at the idea of us being this way. This was not the way I remembered her. Yes, she was shy, but around me, we were both open with each other. It saddened me even more to think about what we used to have; comparing it to what it was before, there now seemed to be nothing.

To keep the conversation flowing, I asked how her parents were doing and, in return, she politely asked about my family. When I mentioned Alice, her face clouded over with hurt, and then just as fast, she recovered, blocking out whatever she was feeling. Knowing exactly why she felt the way she did, I figured a change of subject was in order. It was inevitable that we were going to have to discuss what happened with Alice at some point, but I wasn't ready for that. Truth be known, I wasn't sure if I was ready for any of this, or if Bella was either.

"Where did you go with your parents?" I asked, thinking that it would be something safe to talk about.

"We went to the beach. You know how Renee is about getting in touch with yourself. She thought it would good for us to get away so that we could reconnect. Somewhere preferably warm, to counter the coldness that we had between us for so long." She rolled her eyes. "I know it sounds like one of her spiritual things, but it did help. My Dad and I…well, we talked, worked things out. It was good."

"I'm glad. I'm sure James is relieved you're back." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. It was none of my business, but for some stupid reason, I wanted to know about her life with the man I knew was in love with her.

"Not so much," she answered, her face clouding over in a pained expression.

"What do you mean?" The way she was reacting piqued my curiosity even more.

"I ended things with him when I returned," Bella whispered. "It wasn't very nice."

"Did he hurt you?" I growled out, without thinking. The thought of him hurting her caused me to see red.

"No," Bella laughed bitterly, shaking her head. "He's not like that. He is one of the nicest men I know. No, I was the one who hurt him. If I did get hurt, I would have deserved it."

"No you wouldn't," I murmured in response.

Looking up at me, her eyes were swirling with grief and I could see the hurt and sadness flickering over her face. "You don't understand?" she said, so softly I almost didn't hear her. "He loved me. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And I just threw it all away."

She lowered her head, looking down at her plate, frowning. "For years he's been so good to me. When I met him, I didn't talk to anyone besides Charlotte. I buried myself in my studies and blocked out the rest of the world. Until James came along." A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, the first one I have seen since I found her again, but still it didn't reach her eyes.

"We were just friends at first. Sometimes I would sit at Charlotte's work and study. He came in looking for her, ended up sitting with me at the counter and started talking to me. It was the most I talked to anyone in a long time. He made me laugh." Bella seemed to be lost in thought for a moment.

Listening to Bella describe the way James felt for her, an odd sensation welled up in me that I didn't understand. It was the same feeling I had when I saw him hold her at the funeral home. I was the one who used to make her laugh. I was the one she would talk to.

Was it jealousy that I was feeling? It was a feeling I had never really experienced before, not even with Alice.

"Then he told me he cared for me, more than just being friends. I tried to tell him that I wouldn't have a relationship with him, but he never gave up. He was so kind and such a gentleman, that I finally gave in. His determination won me over because I could understand him not giving up."

She stopped again, her eyes darkening with the memories. It occurred to me that James never gave up on Bella, just like Bella had never given up on me or Charlotte. Of course she would be attracted to his determination for not giving up on her. It made perfect sense why she turned to him. If James was anything like Bella, the way she stood by me and then continued to stand by Charlotte, then he was a good man. Something I never was for her.

She began talking again, her voice thick with emotion that I could see was building up inside her. "From the moment I knew him, he had been so patient with me, so considerate. He was so understanding, about everything, especially Charlotte. He was there for me when I really needed someone and never once did he ask for anything in return. So yeah, he is one of the nicest people I ever knew."

Bella became quiet, her shoulders hunching. Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to spill over. "I don't know why I just told you that."

Not knowing what to say, I told her the one honest thing I could think of. "I'm glad you had someone to look out for you." At that moment, I had an overwhelming need to comfort her. Before I realized what I was doing, I reached my hand out to place over hers. She jerked her hand back, clutching it to her chest like it had been burned.

Slowly, she stood, gripping the edge of the table until her knuckles were white. "Please, excuse me." And quietly, she walked from the room.

Closing my eyes, I let her pain consume me, along with the guilt I had lived with all these years. It was worse than I thought. Much worse than I ever thought it was. She was hurting in so many ways. She had no one. The only two friends she had were gone. Everyone in her life that she had ever cared about had either left her, or she had pushed them away.

Knowing that neither of us would be unable to eat anymore, I stood from the table and began to gather the plates. Before I checked on her, I would give her some time to get herself together. She wouldn't let me console her or touch her right now anyway.

But I wanted too. God, I wanted to gather her in my arms, hold her to me and take away her grief. I wanted to offer her the sympathy and comfort that she had always tried to give me. But I knew that it would make things worse if I tried.

After I finished the dishes, it was quiet in the house. I wasn't sure where she was, whether or not she had found a bathroom or was just standing somewhere in the dark. For some reason, just knowing that she was here in my house brought a small sense of relief. If we were in public, she would have been mortified at the thought of people watching her as she broke down.

I went to sit in the living room, taking a seat on the couch to wait until she came out. I ran my hands roughly over my face, then through my hair, tugging on the ends. Seeing Bella this way, stirred something deep inside me. I wasn't sure if it was a need to protect her or what, but it was taking me over.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long for her to come out, but once I saw her, the sight of her, made my heart clench. Instead of her normal pale, ivory skin, her face was ashen. Around her eyes were puffy, rimmed with red, the blue under her eyes even more prominent than before. She had her arms wrapped around herself, but I could see that she was shaking slightly.

_Oh, Bella. What have I done?_

Apparently she hadn't seen me sitting on the couch in the dark. When she started to walk by me and I whispered her name, she jumped at the sound.

"I'm sorry. I didn't see you sitting there." She closed her eyes briefly. "I'm sorry that you had to hear that. I didn't come here to talk about James."

She walked over to where I sat and stood in front of me, still keeping a safe distance away. The smell of her tears made my throat tighten. Her lip trembled as she took a deep breath, and her body seemed to shudder with the effort.

"I came here to tell you that I was sorry. You feel guilty for what happened after you left, but I want to tell you that none of it was your fault. The choices I made and the results of those choices were all my doing. No one made me do the things I did. Even though I knew that you did drugs and drank, I still became your friend. I chose to stay friends with Charlotte. I decided to cut my parents out of my life because I felt betrayed by them. It was me that did all that. Not you. So I wanted to tell you that I don't want you to worry about it anymore. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about, because you did nothing wrong."

Nothing she could have said would have surprised me more. I would have been less surprised if she had hit me like she did at the funeral. But I knew what she was doing, and there was no way I was going to let her. Her little speech did nothing but annoy me that she would try to turn this around on her. "Don't, Bella."

"Don't what, Edward?" Her voice was shaky, but defensive.

"Don't stand there and try and take all the blame for what happened. I won't let you." There was no way that I was going to let her do this.

"What do you mean, you won't let me?" her voice dropped as she spoke, laced with anger and surprise. Color started to seep back into her face, and I was thankful that her anger at me would do that.

I'd promised myself that I would never hurt Bella again, but I was about to break that promise. My stomach churned at what I was about to do to her. I knew the words I was about to say would hurt her, but it was beyond time for me to admit to my wrong doing and for her to hear it, so she could get past everything that I had done to her and stop this asinine idea that she was to blame. I wanted her to hear me admit to what I had done, and there was no way she was at fault for any of it.

"I won't let you take the blame for what I did to you. You're not going to turn this around." I stood up before her, looking down at her. "Bella, I was your friend and treated you like shit. I used you any chance I could to see Charlotte. I fell in love with her, the only other friend you had, besides me, and rejected you. I walked out of your life and never looked back. There is no way that any of that is your fault."

She gasped at my statement, turning away from me. Her head started shaking from side to side as her hand came up to wrap around her throat, her breathing increasing. The memory of her breakdown at the funeral flashed through my mind, making me move quickly to her, grabbing her shoulders and turning her to face me to make sure she wasn't about to have another panic attack.

"No. No." Tears filled her eyes, spilling over onto her cheeks as she continued to shake her head back and forth, denying what I was trying to tell her. "I'm tired of blaming everybody for the mistakes I made. I didn't have to be your friend. I didn't have to love you. Or love Charlotte. It was my fault that I pushed my parents away." By the time she was finished, she was yelling.

My grip tightened on her arms, and I gave her a little shake, not enough to hurt her but hopefully snap her out of this crazy idea she was having. Surprised filled her eyes. "But don't you see, Bella, if it wasn't for me, then none of that would have happened. I was like the catalyst to it all." My voice sounded strained and loud to me, but I wasn't going to let her do this. There was no way I was going to let her try and take the blame for all that happened. The only way we were going to be able to get on with our lives was to talk about this and accept our part.

"No! I'm responsible for my own choices and the mistakes from them. Not you. Not anyone. Me! Just me!" she yelled, and then sucked in a harsh breath. Her hand was still around her throat and she was beginning to pant breathlessly.

Loosening my grip on her arms, I started to run my hands up and down her arms, trying to sooth and console her. "We can't keep doing this, Bella," I whispered to her. "We can't keep locking this up inside of us. Don't you see what it's done to us? We've only lived half a life while we kept everything locked up inside, eating away at us. We can't keep living this way. We need to talk-"

"Fuck you, Edward." she hissed at me with more venom than I had ever heard from her before, jerking free of my hold. "I'm not one of your patients. You keep saying how it's good I've been working everything out. That it's better to get it out. Well, fuck you! What difference is it going to make now?"

"Just maybe if we talk, we can put this all behind us. We can move on with our lives and not worry about the past anymore." Slowly, I reached out for her, wanting to hold her. I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing, but the need to hold her was stronger than my common sense at the time.

"Don't fucking touch me!" she screamed, her face flush with anger. "I told you not to touch me."

Slowly, I backed away. The sickness that I felt earlier, curled into my stomach, making bile rise up into my throat. "Bella, we need to talk about this. The only way we are ever going to get past this is to talk about it, express how we really feel." My words sounded clinical and cold. This was not how I wanted to do this.

She sniffled, her fingers wiping the tears furiously from her cheeks. "There's nothing to talk about. I'm not sure why I came here. I don't know why I thought that anything would make a difference."

"Don't you see? We will never be able to move on if we don't work this out," I begged quietly. At this point, I wasn't afraid to beg for her to stay, for her forgiveness, even though I had never felt like I deserved it. I wanted it now. I wanted her to forgive me so we could put all this past us and move on. So the regret that had consumed us all these years would go away.

"I can't do this. I thought I could handle this. I can't. I just can't. Don't make me do this," she pleaded with me. Her eyes darted back and forth, looking for a way to escape. When they landed on the door, she rushed to it, fumbling with the door handle and deadbolt, trying in desperation to get it open.

What was I doing? I was hurting her. Hurting her again with the way I was trying to handle this. Why could I do nothing but hurt this beautiful, fragile creature, that wouldn't hurt a soul. Instead of apologizing to her and trying to make this better, I treated her like a patient, forcing her to do something that she wasn't ready to face.

There was no way I was letting her leave like this. There was no way I was letting her go until I told her I was sorry. Walking to the door, I placed my hand against it, caging her in and effectively keeping her from leaving.

"Bella." She stilled when I said her name, laying her head against the door, a small sob escaped her body, which seemed so small and frail as my body surrounded hers. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

The words that came out of my mouth next were low and strained. "You're not leaving like this. I won't let you go. Not like this."

_When darkness turns to light  
It ends tonight, it ends tonight.  
Just a little insight won't make this right  
It's too late to fight  
It ends tonight, it ends tonight._

_It Ends Tonight ~ All American Rejects_

**A/N: Please review! I'll update as soon as I can. Until then, I'll be hiding with Linus under his blanket. I'll be posting a link to songs for this story on my profile page soon.**


	16. Fade

**I apologize for taking so long to update. I know I suck. I have no other excuse other than real life comes first and it kicks ass and takes names around my house, especially this time of the year.**

**Thank you to all the people who have reviewed and have this story on alert. Please keep reviewing! **

**Thank you to Cullenfan524 for being with me since the beginning and pre reading for me. I'm proud to say that she was my 100****th**** reviewer of HFL. **

**Thank you to robots will cry for being my beta and fixing my stupid mistakes. She is all kinds of awesome for taking the time to do this for me and putting up with my OCD! **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of the characters, but this story and plot are mine. I do own a copy of Water for Elephants with Rob on the front. Sigh…**

**So, I'm a little nervous about this chapter. Let me know what you think.**

_I try to breathe_

_Memories overtaking me_

_I try to face them but_

_The thought it is too much to conceive_

_I only know that I can change_

_Everything else just stays the same_

_So now I step out of the darkness_

_That my life became_

_Fade by Staind_

**Chapter 16: Fade**

~ Bella~

I'm honestly not sure what made me think that I could do this. What had convinced me that I could confront him after all these years? That it would be easy or pain free. No matter how long it has been, the pain of being this close to him makes me feel raw inside, like I was being torn from the inside out.

_Yet here I am. _

I've asked myself how I ended up here several times, from the time I walked through the door up till now, while my body is trapped by his.

_Against his door. _

_In his house._

_He was close. Much too close._

From the moment I walked in the door, his very presence called to me as it always did. It was the same exact feeling like when we were younger. Even at the funeral, after all those years of not seeing him, my body reacted the way it always did. It longed to be close to him. Ached deep inside, causing me to question my own sanity. It was more than irrational that I still had such deep feelings for him, a love that had never ceased, undeniably caring for him more than I should.

_After everything that happened, how and why do I still love him?_

I knew when I saw him, there was no way that I would be able to touch him, or let him touch me. At the funeral, I was worried that if he touched me, I would fall apart and shatter. Now, if I got too close, and he rejected me again, I might not make it this time. I was still holding on by a thread.

_A very thin thread._

I'd been barely hanging on since the funeral, even before if I told the truth. Worrying about Charlotte wore me down. Since she died, all my defenses had broken down, and the pain was resonating through me like a light, and I had no way to stop it.

While I was away with my parents, I had gained some hold back on myself, but since I've been back and talked with James, and now that I'm in Edward's presence, every little bit of the strength I had achieved had gone away.

Even though it was a long time ago, if I allowed myself to think about all that happened between Edward and me, his rebuff still till this day hurt. It made me wonder, that if we did actually touch again, and he pulled away, would I feel that sharp sting of rejection all over again? I wasn't prepared to find out. Deep down, I knew that if he touched me and pulled away, it would hurt all over again.

After James left the other night, I had laid in the bed trying to make sense of letting James go and the course I was trying to follow. James was one of the best things that had ever happened to me, and I just let him go, tossed him away like it was nothing. The pain that had crossed over James's face, that sense of rejection and fear of losing the one you cared so much for, was a bitter reminder of what had happened to me. Fear of it happening again with Edward made me know that I had to protect myself and hate myself at the same time for breaking things off with James.

But after my epiphany when I was with my parents, I knew I was doing the right thing, no matter how bad it hurt him, or me. James deserved so much more than I was able to give him, and after listening to what he had pictured for our future, I knew I was doing the right thing by letting him go. I would never be able to give him what he wanted from me. It just wasn't going to happen. My heart and soul belonged to another, even if that other person didn't feel the same way.

Throughout the night, I steeled my resolve to finish what I had started. I was going to fix what was left of my life. During the time I was with my parents, I decided I was going to set everything straight. I'd fixed things with my mother, and though my relationship with Charlie wasn't perfect, we had come to an understanding. Talking with my parents, especially my father, was hard facing all those old memories, but we made peace and hopefully let go of some of the pain that was caused by them.

While I was with my parents, I had made the decision that once I got back home, I was going to set James free, and absolve Edward of whatever he felt like he had done wrong. Then hopefully we could all move on. I was determined to talk with Edward so that we could both let all of this hate go. We had both lived too long with all this grief and pain and regret that was certainly unnecessary on Edward's part. He wasn't to blame for what happened after he left, and I was tired of blaming him.

_I was tired of everything._

Just like a wound with a scab that was ready to fall off, I was going to pick the rest of the scab off so that it would stop worrying me. There would be a scar left behind, but no more festering once it was gone. I thought if I did it fast and quick, like ripping off a band aid, the healing could start. Once a scab is gone, you usually don't think of it anymore except for the occasional itch. It would always be there, but you could bear it after a while.

Even though I was going to try and fix everything, I also knew the scars that would be left behind were too deep to see, but they would always be there. As any scar would be puckered and raw, that was how my heart felt.

As soon as the first rays of sun peaked through my window, I took strength from the fact that even though what I had done to James, I had survived and would continue to do so. The pain was still there, but had ebbed enough that I could face the day. I took solace in the fact that James was better off without me in his life, and hopefully one day he would realize that and be able to forget about me and live the life he wanted.

With that revelation, I did what I knew I had to do to set the last of everything in motion. I called the one person that I never thought I would talk to again.

It was almost surreal talking to him and agreeing to meet and talk. At first, I stammered and stumbled through the conversation, but then I found it easier to talk to him than I thought it would be. After we agreed that I would come to his house, he surprised me by offering to cook. The only time I had ever seen Edward in a kitchen he was either mixing a drink, or drying out marijuana in the microwave, or stuffing his face because he had the munchies.

I wasn't sure why I had agreed to go to his home instead of meeting him somewhere in public, like a restaurant or a coffee shop. It also worried me that I would be alone with him, but the conversation we were going to have would not be appropriate in a public place. The memory of me breaking down like I did at the funeral made it easy for me to decide to go to his place instead of somewhere where everyone could watch me fall apart.

In the end, I decided that if I wanted to leave, I could just hop in my car and go, that nothing would stop me.

_How wrong I was._

The drive to his house didn't take that long. When he gave me directions, I couldn't believe that he had lived this close and I didn't know. But I had never tried to find him and he had never tried to find me. It seemed we both had tried in vain to forget our past, a past that had practically ruined our future.

By the time I pulled into his driveway, my heart was beating wildly and I was a jumble of nerves that seemed to bounce around inside me. My body was tense, bracing itself as if it knew what was about to come. Desperately, I tried to regain composure by doing the breathing techniques that Renee had tried to teach me to calm myself down. After the funeral, she started instructing me on calming exercises so I wouldn't have another panic attack like I did the day Charlotte was buried.

Once I felt calm again, I began to take in my surroundings, gaping in surprise at the sight before me. For a moment, all I could do was stare at the manicured lawn and landscaping that surrounded his obviously well kept house, that was nestled in among the trees. It wasn't at all what I expected. Forcing myself from my car, I walked to the door and knocked, waiting for him to answer.

When he opened the door and looked into my eyes, my head filled with doubts. It had been hard with James, but I had a feeling that with Edward, it would be impossible to do this and come out unscathed.

After a very awkward moment in the doorway where I did everything I could to maintain my distance from him, I followed him into the kitchen, continuing to keep as far away from him as I could. As I looked around his kitchen, it felt warm and inviting, and I could tell that it was used frequently. Nothing at all what I expected. It gave the impression of home, not just some place that was lived in. Everything was clean and well taken care of, so different from what I remembered of Edward when he was younger, who didn't care what his appearance was, much less what his living space looked like.

It surprised me how welcomed it made me feel. My own apartment, even though it was my sanctuary, didn't make me feel this way. It was something I couldn't dwell on now, but would have to worry about later, because there were much more pressing issues at hand.

Still, he had made a home while I have never been able to. Even though I live in my own apartment, it's rented, I don't own it and it's nothing I consider permanent. Sure I had made it into a home in my own way, but there was something much different when you actually owned a home. You made roots. Something I had not been able to do at all. It was hard not to be a little resentful.

Once we sat down to dinner, I didn't realize it would be this hard. Sitting at his table, eating the wonderful meal he made, talking with him about our lives, seemed so mundane and normal. A far cry from what I was feeling inside. When the conversation turned personal and he asked me about James, I told him so much more than I ever meant to.

Throughout my diarrhea of the mouth, Edward listened attentively, seemingly hanging on to every word I said. Saying out loud everything that had transpired between James and me, and the way it ended, made it sound so terrible, and the shame and guilt for the way I treated him swelled up inside me.

Once I purged my heart out about James, I felt so vulnerable and ashamed. I couldn't stand Edward's appraising eyes, or the comfort he wanted to give when he tried to cover my hand with his. So I did what I do best, I fled.

I stumbled down the hall past his living room, opening a couple of doors before I found the bathroom. I slipped inside, locking the door behind me, before sliding down and crumpling on the floor. My tears flowed freely while I tried my best to calm down and breathe. But with every breath, his scent filled my lungs, seeping deep down into me.

_I had to get out of here. _

I forced myself to stand, deciding that the quicker I got this over with, the faster I could leave. Leaning down, I rested my head against the cool countertop, before splashing cold water on my face. The cold of the water caused me to shiver, but lessened the sick feeling that was heavy in the pit of my stomach. My heart, that had been thrumming faster than a dragonfly's wings, had slowed somewhat, but still feared it was going to burst out of my chest.

When I came out, he startled me when he whispered my name from the dark. My eyes focused on him, sitting there on the couch, forearms resting on his legs with his shoulders hunched over. I walked over, standing in front of him and tried my best to end this.

That's when everything went to hell.

We argued about who was to blame, both of us adamant that we were both right. When he grabbed me, shaking me to get my attention, I lost it. Not that he hurt me. It was what I was afraid of. If he touched me, I would break.

And that is exactly what I did. So, I ran. Again.

Leading me to the precarious position I'm in now, trapped against his door.

One hand was braced against the door, preventing me from opening it, while the other was resting against the door frame, caging me in. I dropped my head to the door, my emotions drowning me, pulling me down to someplace that I was fighting so hard to escape from. His body was so close, not touching mine, but still surrounding me with his presence.

Even with everything else I was feeling, I could still feel that sensation I would always get when I was anywhere near him, that inexplicable pull, drawing me to him even more. The closeness of his body, and the warmth that radiated from him, though he wasn't even touching me, made my stomach flutter. My skin burned from where he had touched me earlier. My heart screamed at my body to stop betraying it, begging over and over to have what it always wanted.

But the worst, absolute worse thing about being this close to him, was the fact that I could smell him. His scent surrounded me. It was the same. He still smelled of sunshine, and instead of the boy from years ago, he now smelled of man.

But the most amazing thing, one I never thought I would ever relate to Edward, was that he smelled…clean. Long gone was the stench of cigarettes and pot and alcohol that reeked from his pores. Now instead, he smelled of soap, and the cotton of his t shirt, and the stir fry he made us for dinner.

I inhaled deeply, satisfying my traitorous body, my heart sighing in relief for the little bit of Edward it was given.

It was the most amazing smell, something I never thought he would smell like.

It was intoxicating and heartbreaking at the same time.

"Bella," he rasped, breaking me out of my inner struggle. His voice was low and gravelly, sounding as if he was trying to hold back his emotions just as I was. The need to touch him was strong. The need to run was even stronger. Before I could say anything, what came out of his mouth surprised me even more.

"You're not leaving like this. I want let you go. Not like this." His warm breathe fanned out across my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. The determination was clear in his voice, leaving me no room to doubt him, making fear pulse through me.

"Please don't make me do this," I pleaded with him, pressing my body closer to the door in a vain attempt to get some distance. When I had this all planned out, I just wanted it over with, I never took into consideration how hard this would be. I was a fool for thinking I could be strong around him.

"I'm sorry. I can't let you leave," Edward murmured, softly. "You're too upset to drive. I'm scared that if you do, that something will happen to you. I won't let you be hurt again. Not because of me."

But he didn't realize he was already hurting me by being so close.

My body began to shake as my tears started, thick streams running down my cheeks, along my throat, making me cold. My breathing stilted as the sobs threatened to wrack my body and escape the prison of my heart.

"I'm sorry…just calm down, please. I don't want you to have another panic attack. I can't watch you go through that again," he whispered, hoarsely, his voice laced with worry and concern.

As bad as I hated to admit it, he was right, I needed to calm down. At the funeral when I had the panic attack, I woke up disoriented and scared. Renee was beside herself with worry, crying over me while Dr. Anderson fretted along with her.

I tried my best to calm down, if not for Edward, but for myself. I concentrated on trying to swallowing the tears that were stuck in my throat so I could take a deep breath. Before, when Edward and I were arguing, I knew that I was close to having a panic attack. The way my lungs had constricted, making it seem like the wind had been knocked out of me, then that overwhelming feeling of drowning had me clawing at my throat trying to stop it from happening again.

"Just…give me some space," I begged. Again, he was right. I was in no shape to be driving. I really had no choice but to stay, but he was going to have to back the fuck off.

"Okay," he replied, softly, backing away slowly. Instantly, I felt the loss of his body heat, a shiver ran through me and I wrapped my arms around myself. "Please. Come sit down. Let me get you a glass of water.

I turned to look at him, worry and desperation evident in his eyes. He looked at me for a long moment, before I nodded my consent. He let out a breath, relief flooding his face before turning away towards the kitchen. Hesitantly, I made my way to his living room.

There was a recliner off by itself, away from the couch. Considering some distance from him would be the safest thing for me, I sat down, curling my legs up under me, wrapping my arms back around me in a futile attempt to hold myself together.

Edward walked into the room, his eyes looking to the couch. When he didn't see me there, he looked around, panic filling his eyes before he found me. As he slowly walked over, I could almost see the tension leaving his body. He set the glass down on the small table beside the chair then took a seat on the couch facing me.

He looked at me, pensively. If I could read his mind, I was almost sure that he would be thinking the same thing I am. Where do you even begin to resolve this? How do you fix something that tore you apart so badly that you were never able to forget, something that altered everything about you and your life? I didn't have a clue. It was more than obvious that I had failed miserably at moving on with my life and forgetting the past.

For a long time, we didn't speak. Gingerly, I sipped the water, trying to ease my parched throat, hoping that I didn't throw it right back up. I kept my eyes trained anywhere but at his face. Finally, he cleared his throat a couple of times, breaking the silence that had surrounded us in the dark.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you again. I'm sorry if I scared you," Edward whispered, shakily, taking his hand and raking it through his hair, then dragging it over his face. "I keep fucking this up. Don't I? This isn't how I wanted it to go. I wanted to apologize to you. I wanted to tell you everything. Explain why I left you alone all those years. Not bully you into something you weren't ready to do. I don't know what I thought honestly…but I hoped…maybe we could talk. I didn't want to fight with you. I just wanted to try and fix things."

Things wouldn't have been this way if you had just stopped doing the drugs and drinking, then you wouldn't have left me behind, I thought, angrily. I wanted to scream and tell him all those things, but that wouldn't have made a difference. Not now. There was one thing that kept nagging at me above all else, so I asked Edward what I wanted to know more than anything. "Why, Edward? Why after all this time? Why?"

"When I heard about Charlotte…" His words infuriated me. It shouldn't, but they did. It was always Charlotte. No matter what, it was always her.

"Is that what this is about?" I cut him off, surging to my feet in anger. "To use me? To remember her? Fuck you, Edward." It was the second time tonight that I had told him that, but the fact that he would still think of her first, cut like a knife through my heart. Not only did it make me angry with him, but at myself for feeling jealous of Charlotte. She never returned Edward's feelings, so there was never a need to be jealous of her. But the fact that he would think of her and not me, even after all these years hurt me. Sorrow and guilt settled heavy in my heart.

"No." Edward's eyes shot to mine, shaking his head back and forth in protest. "No, that's not what this is about. I promise. You have to believe me," he pleaded, sounding almost…desperate. "The first thing I thought of was you. When I read the obituary, I knew that I had to come and talk to you. I was worried about you. I…"

He looked down at his hands, spreading his fingers wide before clenching them into a fist. "I know how much you loved her. How much you cared for her. I just wanted to let you know that I was sorry for your loss. I wanted to tell you that I was sorry for everything," he whispered, closing his eyes tight.

I sat back down, my anger subsiding as the pain of Charlotte's death hit me all over again. Edward took a deep breath, and sighed in what sounded like relief.

Silence engulfed us again. The moon was rising into the night sky, illuminating the room with a soft glow. Out the window I could see the woods that surrounded his house. It looked serene and peaceful, the total opposite of the way I felt inside.

"There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you," Edward admitted, quietly. "Not one day did I forget how I hurt you. That last day I saw you, I'll never forget the look on your face," his voice trailed off, eyebrows scrunching together like he was in pain. "I've hated myself for doing that to you. For making you hurt when you had done nothing to me but try and be my friend."

Edward unclenched his fists, letting his hands hang over his knees, his shoulders slumping in defeat. When he looked up, his eyes met mine and I gasped softly at the intensity swirling in his green eyes. "The most important thing right now is for me to apologize to you," he whispered, ardently. "More than anything, I want you to know that what I did was never your fault. The choices I made were my own."

I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. It was ironic that he was saying to me exactly the same thing that I had been thinking. The same thing I had tried to convince my parents and even James. My choices were my own. We both were clinging to the belief that it was our choices that made our life the way it was. It was true, but laughable at the same time.

"I'm not sure what you want me to say." What did he want me to say? Did he want me to let him take the blame for everything? My mind was muddled and I was so confused.

"All of it," he commanded, quietly, his voice low and gravelly from the many hours we had been talking.

"I can't," I whispered back. "I'm scared." If I do, I'm not sure I'll be able to hold myself together.

"You can't keep holding this in. Tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what you are feeling. Just let it go. Please." His eyes silently pleaded with me, almost begging. It was mesmerizing to stare into them, clear and green and clean.

It made me angry that Edward was treating me like one of his patients. That's what it felt like anyway. The way he kept saying to let it go, like it was so easy to spill my guts out and I would feel so much better, as if there would be no repercussions. But I knew there would be consequences, regardless. My internal defenses, once they were gone, would be my undoing.

Finally, I caved. I wasn't sure if it was Edward's compelling voice that convinced me to spill my heart out, or the fact that what had been pent up inside me for so long was ripping me apart and breaking down my defenses.

"How much do you want to hear?" My voice was harsh, but to his credit, he didn't even flinch.

"The truth. Everything. Start by telling me what happened after I left."

If he wanted me to let go, then that's what I would do. He may not like what he was about to hear. But, I was tired of holding it all in.

So tired.

"Do you want me to say that you hurt me? That when you left…," my voice cracked, my vision became blurry with tears, "and Charlotte was gone, it was like a part of me had been ripped away."

Thoughts of all of us together, hanging out, the way we were before it all came crashing down, flashed through me at lightening speed. Saying it out loud to Edward would be the hardest thing in the world I would have to do, besides burying the only other friend I had in my life.

But there was something inside of me, whispering to me, beseeching me to listen to Edward and let it all go. I just hoped that the little voice, and Edward were right, because I could no longer trust myself with all the emotions that were coursing through me. Holding it all in was tearing me apart.

"I know you had to go," I sniffled, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand. "I know you had to do what you had to…to get better. But you never came back…or called…or wrote… nothing, not a word. You left and never turned back. It hurt so bad when you left. It was like I was missing a part of myself," my voice barely above a whisper by the time I finished, but when I looked at him I knew he had heard me.

"You were gone." I cried, softly, bringing my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You were the only good thing in my life." The sincerity that was evident in his voice was unexpected. Considering that he hadn't talked to me since he left, I figured he didn't care.

"I missed you. I missed you, so much," I admitted truthfully. My confession to him so far, was more than I had ever thought I would be able to say to him again. It was almost cathartic in a way.

"I missed you, too. Every damn day." He sounded so honest and genuine that I wanted to believe him so badly. I wasn't sure if it was the truth or a lie, but if it was a lie, it was the most beautiful lie I had ever heard.

"I was so angry with you for leaving, never talking to me again, walking away from me like I was nothing." My throat became thick from my tears and my anger and my grief. I could feel my heart rate escalating again, so I tried to breathe in slow and easy. Even though I beginning to panic again, it surprised me that my heart felt like it was softening.

"I loved you." I said it in the past tense, but inside I knew that it was far from the truth. "I loved Charlotte," I continued, hoping that including her in there he wouldn't think I was still pining for him, which sadly I was. "You meant more to me than I was ever able to say. More than I ever had the strength to say. I was so helplessly in love with the both of you. Sometimes I think that is why I stayed with Charlotte after you left, even though I couldn't be around her when she was using. I had already lost you. I couldn't lose both of you."

I breathed in deeply again, focusing on the sensation of the air going in and coming out of my lungs, hoping I could get through the rest.

"Around you and Charlotte, I felt comfortable. The center of attention was never on me, so I felt at ease. I felt free. But even though I loved being around you, the fact that you were using, it was wrong. I should have never been around you."

"I should have known better," I said solemnly, because it was true, I knew better. "But I didn't care. My father was a cop for god's sake. He taught me to stay away from drugs and what the consequences of using them would be. I knew what they did to people. I knew all to well what was happening to you, what you were doing to your body, to your mind. To my heart."

I murmured the last part so low, that I wasn't sure if he would hear me, but when I looked up and my eyes met his, I knew that he had. His gaze held mine, pain and guilt swimming through his eyes, his beautiful face contorted in agony.

"But I couldn't help myself," I continued, the words flowing freely. "I loved being with you. Any way that I could. Which was wrong on so many levels," I said, closing my eyes and shaking my head at my own stupidity. "So, I helplessly watched you pump yourself with that poison. Both of you. I wanted so bad to stop you, but I had no idea what to do to make it stop. You have no idea what it was like to slowly watch you kill yourself. To watch you disregard your life so easily. You may feel guilty for hurting me, but I don't think anything could compare to the way I feel because I sat back and did nothing to stop you."

It was true, every last word of it. I was just as guilty as he was. The simple fact was that I was an enabler because I did nothing to stop him, or Charlotte.

"Then you were gone…," I swallow thickly at the memory, "…just gone. I called your house trying to find out what happened. When Alice answered the phone and I asked to speak to you, she started screaming at me, blaming me for what happened to you. She said it was my fault that you overdosed. Overdosed," I whispered. "Do you know what if felt like for me to know that you almost died?"

It was a rhetorical question, but one that I would have loved to have answered. My heart was broken because he had rejected me. It seemed inevitable that I would lose him as a friend too because of my confession that I loved him. But when I thought that he almost died, my heart stopped. The thought of him _not_ being in this world, it was incomprehensible.

"Alice kept yelling at me, saying that I never did anything to stop you, what kind of friend was I…and I didn't know how to fight back…how could I, because everything she said was true. I didn't try hard enough to stop you. I've had to live with that for the past fifteen years," I whispered, brokenly, squeezing my eyes shut, bringing my hands up to press against them, hoping it would block out some of the pain.

I think that was the worst part of everything, the fact that I lived knowing that no matter what I did to stop him or Charlotte, that it was never enough. My stomach heaved and bile rose in my throat as I thought of all the times I sat there and watched them get high.

Then more images flooded me, Alice yelling at me over the phone; my parents trying to console me; Charlie telling me what happened with Edward; sleepless nights filled with worry; endless tears of sadness and regret. Loneliness. My heart clenched at the painful memories. This was exactly why I kept everything bottled up inside. It was too painful to remember.

"Then there was Charlotte," I pause, pain shooting through my chest, taking my breath away. Saying her name in the past tense is a stark reminder that she was gone. My mind shifts to the funeral.

"I know you loved her," Edward muttered, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"I did. I still do." Taking a deep breath, I pushed the air past my pursed lips. "I loved her like she was my sister. She was a part of me that I'm not sure I can explain. But even as much as I loved her, I had to separate that part of myself from her. I knew that she was going down a path that I could never follow. Just as you did." Glancing over at him to gauge his reaction, I could see pain flash across his face.

"Even though I loved her with all my heart, I knew that I could never give all of myself to her. It would kill me in the end." Much like it did when you left, I thought to myself. By the look on Edward's face, it was if he could read my mind and knew that I was comparing what happened with him to what I knew would, and did, inevitably happen to Charlotte.

"It didn't make it any easier. Even though my mind tried its best to disconnect itself from Charlotte, my heart still was still connected to her." Pressing my fist to my heart, I tried to will the pain away. "In my mind, I was able to conjure up every possible conclusion there could be. And in her absence, it was possible to forget her for a while. I immersed myself in my studies. Focused on preparing for the time after I graduated. But as soon as she would show back up, it would it hit me so hard it would take my breath away."

"I always wondered what she would be like," I pondered, thoughtfully. "What kind of person she would be if she wasn't on drugs. She had such a wonderful personality at times. There were times that I could laugh along with her and forget that she was an addict. But then there were times that she would do things that reminded me of who she really was and my heart would break all over again."

"I couldn't completely abandon her though. Even knowing that one day she would leave my life, I couldn't stay away. I wouldn't seek her out or worry about where she was or what she was doing, because I knew that I would go crazy with worry and I wouldn't survive if I did that. She would always come back to me sooner or later. And the time apart seemed like seconds instead of the weeks or months that it might be.

"There was never anything I could do to stop her. Over the years, I watched her put drug after drug in her body. She did whatever was the easiest for her to get a hold of at the time. It didn't matter what it was. Before she died, she was shooting up heroine. I tried talk to her, when she would be half way sober, which was hardly ever. When I would try and talk to her, she would turn on me, yelling and screaming that I didn't understand and I never would. She was like two different people and I never knew which one I would be talking to at the time. So I stopped trying."

I bowed my head in shame. I did stop. The hysteria that I thought I was keeping at bay, started to bubble to the surface burning me from the inside trying its best to get out.

"You broke my heart. Both of you. You did it in one night. Charlotte continued until there was nothing left. I closed my heart off to everyone and everything. And over time she took little pieces of it until there was nothing left."

"I was a fool. I believed that if I cared about you, that maybe it would make a difference." A bitter laugh bubbled from deep within me. "But you never cared about anything. You never cared about anyone but yourself and how you were going to get fucked up. I've hated you all these years for hurting me and walking out of my life like I was nothing. I resent you for not caring enough about yourself, or me, to stop using. I hate Charlotte for dying. And I hate myself for all of it."

My words came out in a torrent. He wanted the truth, and there it was. Every ugly detail. It was everything that I ever wanted to say, all the things that had built up in me, over time. My tears flowed freely, running like a stream, down my face dripping, off my chin. I ached all over, but felt numb at the same time.

"I know it was a long time ago," I whispered, my voice low and hoarse, almost inaudible to my own ears. "I know I should have moved on. But I haven't, and I can't. The past is the past, and I shouldn't have let it become such a part of me, but I did, and sometimes no matter how hard you try to forget, it follows you and you can't let it go. My heart was torn apart, and that tear is still there, and it has never healed. I'm trying my best to fix it, and get past everything and move on, but it's so hard. So far, I seem to suck at it."

My body began to tremble, exhaustion overtaking me after pouring my soul out to Edward. I felt drained as my body tried to instinctively curl into itself for protection.

Edward had been quiet almost the entire time I talked. So quiet, I worried that the truth might have been more than he could handle. When I looked at him, he was still there, staring at me, his face scrunched up like he was in pain and his eyes were red and brimming with tears.

The anger and hurt and guilt and pain that had been coursing through my veins throughout the night melted away at the sight of him. He was hurting too. And I shouldn't care. Or worry. Or let it get to me. But it did.

Before I knew what was happening, he was on his knees in front of me. His big hands wrapped around my upper arms, pulling me to the edge of the chair. I squeaked in surprise, and for a second, I thought he was going to shake me again. Instead he pulled me into his arms, crushing my body to his, pressing the side of his face against my chest.

"I'm sorry," he choked out, his hot breathe burning through my shirt, warming my cold body. Over and over again he whispers against me, his words of apology rumble through me, crumbling the last of the walls that I had built up around my heart. His hair brushed softly against my throat and neck, the silky strands stroking my over sensitive skin, my head fell back, exposing as much of my skin to him that I could, as all of the sensations of him being this close surged through me.

With his body pressed against mine, I could feel his heart beating hard through his chest, matching my own staccato beat. The intimacy of being surrounded by him caused a shudder to run through me. He clutched me tighter, pulling me impossibly closer, gripping my shirt with his fingers, one hand between my shoulders, the other at the small of my back.

I gave up.

There was no way I could walk away from him, seeing him like this.

No matter what had happened, he still owned me. Body and soul.

It didn't matter anymore that he never returned my feelings. It didn't matter that he walked out of my life and forgot about me. All that mattered at this moment was that I was in his arms.

It was so surreal to me that earlier, the thought of being close to him would be painful, but now it was like a soothing balm to my soul, and my heart.

As he clutched me like he thought I was going to disappear, I gave in. My mind couldn't stop what my body craved, or what my heart longed for.

If this was all I was going to get, I would take it, hurt be damned. My long dormant heart seemed to sigh in agreement.

Wrapping my arms around him, I ran one hand up his back, feeling his muscles contract beneath my touch through his thin shirt, up to the soft skin of his neck, closing my fingers around it. With the other arm holding him to me desperately, I buried my face in his hair, inhaling his sunshine and clean smell, his scent surrounding me, seeping deep inside, and I succumbed to everything that made me love him.

He sucked in a shaky breathe, and then whispered my name.

At the sound of my name crossing his lips, that somewhat electrical feeling that would pulse through me when I was near him raced from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, as everything about him, his scent, his arms holding me, his warm breathe searing my chest, all of it consumed me.

Allowing my body to melt into him, his hold tightened around me to the point that it squeezed the air out of my lungs. It should have taken my breath away. Instead, it filled me with life. For the first time in my adult life, I could breathe. I could feel.

He turned his face into my chest and pressed it against me. He inhaled deeply, his chest and back expanding with the force. As he exhaled, a strangled sound escaped his throat, and I wasn't sure if it was a whimper, or a sob, or if he was in pain.

But then I felt it.

It began to seep through my shirt, hot and wet.

He was crying.

And I knew I was lost to him all over again.

_I just needed someone to talk to_

_You were just to busy with yourself_

_You were never there for me_

_To express how I felt_

_I just stuffed it down_

_Now I'm older and I feel like _

_I could let some of this anger fade_

_But it seems the surface I am scratching _

_Is the bed that I have made_

_Fade by Staind_

**A/N: I hope I did this justice. Please review. I will update as soon as I can. **


	17. I Was Broken

**Sorry for the long wait on the update. Real Life comes first and kicks ass around my house.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of the characters, but this story and plot are mine. **

**Please review and let me know what you think!**

Chapter 17: I Was Broken

_I was broken,_

_For a long time,_

_But it's over now._

_I Was Broken by Marcus Foster_

~Edward~

Sometime in the night, her tears finally subsided, but only because she fell asleep. Even then, it wasn't an easy sleep; it was fitful and restless, and tears continued to seep from the corners of her eyes for a long time.

While she slept, she mumbled incoherently, mostly broken words that didn't mean anything. The only word that I completely understood was my name. She would murmur it softly, and then grip onto me, holding me closer to her.

I didn't deny her. I knew now that I could never deny her anything ever again.

I'm not sure how long we stayed curled up against each other in the chair. Time seemed to crawl by and that was fine with me. I was perfectly content, stroking her hair, her back, anything to try and soothe her and calm her.

Neither of us had moved for a long time. I wasn't sure if it was from the shock of holding each other for the first time in such an intimate way, or the comfort we both seemed to be drawing from each other, but we stayed there and I was more than relieved to be close to her.

Even though my knees protested fiercely, I never moved while she was conscious. There was no way I was going to let her think I was pushing her away or letting her go. After her breathing evened out, and her whimpers quieted down somewhat, I picked her up and moved us to the couch.

Once I had her cradled in my arms, I was surprised by how small she seemed, how little she weighed, making me realize just how fragile she really was. She tightened her grip on my shirt when I lifted her, her small fingers clutching the fabric, damp from her tears, only loosening her hold once I settled us more comfortably on the couch and no longer moving.

She never said another word.

She had said enough before.

Last night, I begged Bella to tell me everything and she poured her heart out to me. I'd felt like such a hypocrite telling Bella to let it all out. I wanted her to tell me everything. I wanted to know what happened after I was gone.

She looked like a broken angel sitting there in my chair, her pale skin glowing as the light from the moon illuminated her as she spilled all her hurt, and anguish, and pain out to me. Silver tracks of tears trailed down her face, making it shimmer in the light, giving it an ethereal shine like the fairies you read about in books, or see in the movies.

All night, as we talked, I watched her, looking for signs that she might hyperventilate or have a panic attack. At times I thought it was about to happen, especially when I stopped her from leaving, but there was no way I was letting her drive in that condition. Throughout the rest of the night, her breathing would become shallow or her hands would shake slightly, and I was ready to bolt up from my seat to help her, but she would take a few deep breaths and calm herself down.

Her emotions were going from sad to angry so fast that I couldn't keep up. I kept completely fucking things up as I tried to explain myself. Finally, I just kept quiet and let her talk.

Once she did, I wish I could have gone on living without hearing the pain and suffering and heartache she had endured all of those years because of choices we had made. Not because I didn't deserve to hear how bad the decisions we made had screwed up our lives, no, it was because I had selfishly begged her to relive all of it, not considering how much it would hurt her to say it out loud.

I painfully listened to every ugly detail as she told me everything. I watched as endless tears cascaded down her beautiful face. And I sat by as she fell apart in front of my eyes.

The moment she was finished, there was no way I could stop from touching her. I wanted to hold her, and comfort her, and take all of the pain and agony away that I had caused with my selfish behavior.

From the moment she arrived, even before that, when I first saw her at the funeral, it was blatantly obvious that she didn't want me to touch her. She was scared and I could understand that. I was scared as hell too. Because as much as she didn't want me to touch her, the need for me to touch her, was bubbling up inside me, making me ache from want.

I wanted to touch her.

I wanted to soothe her.

I wanted to take away her pain.

I wanted…her.

It was an odd and heady sensation warring within me. Bella had never been anything more than a friend to me. These feelings were completely foreign to me and hitting me like a punch to the gut.

I wasn't entirely sure if it was because of the need that swelled up in me to protect her, or something else, but once I had her in my arms it seemed like the most natural thing in the world for me to hold her against me. I couldn't deny how perfect it felt.

She was surprised when I pulled her into my arms and had stiffened and was unresponsive at first, but when she finally gave in and held me back, melting into me, I wept like a baby. All of the emotions that I kept bottled up inside over the years, everything that had been building up within me since I read Charlotte's obituary, from watching Bella fall apart, all of it, came flooding out.

It had been a long time since I had broken down like that. I had been pretty good at keeping everything in. I'd learned a long time ago, that if you wore your feelings on your sleeves, then you were open for scrutiny. So in order to have some semblance of peace in my life, I learned to hide on the outside what would claw at me on the inside.

When I told Bella to let it go, I wasn't only saying it to her. I was also saying it to myself. We needed to forget all the rest and try to move on. If we could help each other do that, it might be like starting over again for both of us.

As I drifted off to sleep with her in my arms, I vowed that I would do whatever I could to make up to her for the insensitive and selfish bastard I had been all these years.

The sun slowly began taking its place in the sky. I had been awake for a while just listening to Bella breathing and watching her sleep. Never being this close to her before, I was taking advantage of it and allowing myself to just to look at her.

She is much more beautiful than I remember her being. When we were younger, I had my head in my ass and just never realized that she was this gorgeous. And though we are almost thirty, the years have been good to her. Her face is smooth other than the small worry line between her brows that I would to do anything to make go away.

As the light filtered through the windows, Bella began to stir around in my arms. Her body stiffened slightly as she began to wake up and become aware of her surroundings. She inhaled slowly, holding her breath for a brief moment, before exhaling shakily.

I wasn't sure what I should do now that she was awake. I didn't know if I should stay still and let her make the first move, or tighten my arms around her, like I wanted so desperately to do, to hold her and let her know everything was okay. Finally, I decided to let her guide the way.

During the night, we had somehow shifted from the sitting position where I had her cuddled in my lap, to lying down on our sides. Her body was trapped between mine and the back of the couch with one of my legs thrown over hers, almost pressing our lower parts together.

_Almost._

She was cuddled up against me, her small hands fisted in my shirt, clinging to me. Her head is nestled in the crook of my arm that I had tightly wrapped around her as my hand rested against her ribs, right under the swell of her breast. Through the tips of my fingers, I could feel her heart beat increase from the slow steady beat from before she was awake, to the frantic pulse that seemed to take over as she realized where she was and who she was with.

"Edward?" Bella questioned softly, her voice raspy from sleep and tears.

"Yes, Bella," I murmur quietly against her hair. I am scared to speak too loud, afraid I might break the connection that we seem to share at the moment.

My cheek is resting against the top of her head and it prickles when she nods slightly, her soft hairs tickling my cheek. "It wasn't a dream," she declares, faintly above a whisper, "it was real."

"Yes, it was real. It's okay," I promise gently, the fingers of my free hand playing with the ends of her silky hair. "We're okay," I whisper tenderly, hoping she would understand what I couldn't explain.

We are okay. We survived last night even though it was one of the hardest things either one of us has ever had to confront. Even with everything I have been through, this is still one of the hardest things for me, I think because I had to watch someone else suffer. I can't explain it, but it's so much different than what I went through with my family after the overdose.

And we, me and her I mean, are okay too. We are trying to heal, and we have a long road ahead of us, but I think we have a chance of it together. Hopefully, she will give us the chance, even if I have to beg.

She became quite again, her breathing so soft that if it weren't for her heart thumping against my fingers, I would have believed she had fallen back to sleep. Her body is soft and warm against me and fit perfectly, unlike anything ever has before.

And I really shouldn't be thinking in that direction when she was this close, especially after everything she's been through.

"Edward?" She squirms a little, coming precariously close to my morning wood. "I need to go to the bathroom," she whispers nervously, and I could feel the heat of her blush through my shirt.

_Oh thank you to all that is Holy._ "Of course," I murmur, thankful that I had an excuse to move before she felt my erection. "Just let me…" I began to shift my arm out from under her at the same time she raises her head up. Her cheek, soft and warm like the rest of her, brushes against the scruff of my jaw, and for a second we seem to nuzzle against each other.

She breathes in deeply through her nose, holding it briefly, before exhaling slowly through her lips. The warmth of her breath washes over my cheek, across my ear and down my neck, my whole body stiffening at the innocent action. We both freeze, a soft gasp escaping her lips. Slowly, I ease my arm out from around her, unwilling to give her any reason to think I am rejecting her, reluctant to move away from her.

Pushing up on my arms, I hover over her for a second, gazing down at her. She nervously bites her lip, turning her head to the side, squeezing her eyes shut to avoid looking at me. It bothers me that she still is so uneasy around me, but I don't want to push her any more than I already have. To ease her discomfort, I move off of her, standing over to the side of the couch to give her plenty of space.

She sits up, shaking her head a little, before dropping her head into her hands. It gives me enough time to adjust myself through my pants without her noticing. She takes a steadying breath, releasing it slowly, trembling with the effort. Pushing her hair back with her hands, she stands up, and sways a little on her feet.

Instantly, I move to her, grabbing her arm to support her. The moment my hand touches her, a shiver runs through her body. The heat of her skin almost burns me, making me hesitate to let go of her, afraid to lose the heat and the connection. Bella clears her throat, looking down at where my hand rests, and reluctantly, I release her.

"Do you mind if I take a shower?" she asks timidly, her fingers grazing across the flesh that I had just been touching.

I blink in surprise. "Not at all," I murmur gently, turning to show her the way. "Let me show you where everything is."

She follows quietly behind me to the bathroom as my mind reels. Instead of the half bath that I know she went into last night, I take her to my bathroom. As I continue through my bedroom, I hear her footsteps falter and stop at the doorway. In the bathroom, I set out towels on the counter for her and make sure that she has everything she needs in the shower.

When I come back in the bedroom, she is still standing in my doorway, her arms wrapped around herself, gazing around my room with wide eyes. Clearing my throat, her head snaps to look at me. She blushes in embarrassment at being caught looking around.

"Everything you need is in there," I whisper, gesturing with my hand towards the bathroom. "Do you want some clean clothes to put on?"

She nods softly, her eyes darting away again, but before they do, I can see that her eyes are full of apprehension and worry, and brimming with tears. And I can tell she desperately wants to be alone.

"I'll find something for you while you take a shower. I'll lay them down on that chair beside the door." I point to the chair, and then hitch my thumb towards the other door. "I'm just…going to make some coffee and maybe make something for breakfast."

"Thank you," she whispers faintly, ducking her head, "coffee sounds good."

She turns and goes into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. I don't know what to make of her staying, or taking a shower. I'm really surprised that she hasn't bolted at the first chance. But for whatever reason she has decided to stay, I'm relieved and glad; happy, in fact, that she is here and I can watch over her.

Considering everything, I am calmer now than I have been since the funeral. I've been worried about her. I can admit that now. Maybe not to her, but to myself, and I understand it now.

Before going to the kitchen, I go to the half bath to take a leak, freshen up, and wash my hands. Once I relieve myself, I look in the mirror. My hair is fucked and I know there's nothing I can do for it. I splash some cold water on my face, then dig around until I can find some mouth wash to swish since I don't have my toothbrush.

When I go back to my room, I slip on a clean shirt and continue digging through my drawers until I find some jogging pants and a long sleeve tee for Bella. As I set the clothes on the chair by the bathroom, I hear her through the door, crying and sobbing softly, but loud enough to be heard over the spray of the shower. Instinctively, I reach for the door handle, but stop myself. Instead, I lay my hand on the door, spreading my fingers tips out across the warm wood, wishing that I could just touch her or hold her like I did last night.

It breaks my heart that she is in there crying, alone, with no one or nothing to comfort her. She didn't want me to see her this way, and I have to respect that. What little bit of ground we gained last night, I know she still doesn't trust me enough to help her or be close to her. My chest heaves in resignation with the heavy burden that there is nothing I can do if she won't let me, and head to the kitchen.

It is washed with the soft light of morning showing a new day, and I can't help but be thankful. Something I learned while I was in therapy, every new day is a gift and should be treated so, especially after coming so close to death after the overdose. Over the years, I've learned to take things day by day and try to leave the bad things behind and move forward. Bella was the only wrong that I could never bring myself to right, because I couldn't ask her to forgive me. Now, I regret waiting so long for her sake. She needed this more than I did.

The first thing I do is start the coffee, sighing in relief when the coffee maker begins to hiss and brew, the strong smell filling the room. Rummaging through my refrigerator, I find eggs, ham, and cheese and decide that an omelet sounds good. There is some fruit, and I grab it, milk, and butter to make toast with the bread I found in the pantry while making the coffee.

Smiling to myself, I remember that Bella liked omelets and would often make them for me and Charlotte for breakfast. She loved to cook and did so every chance she could, so that none of us were subjected to Renee's cooking.

Even though it was a short time really that we were all together, it seemed like so much more to me. Bella was my friend and she loved me unconditionally, something that I didn't feel like I could get from my family, considering all the hell we were going through at that time in my life.

Trying everything to keep myself from going back in there to check on her, I busy myself with the task of whisking the eggs and milk together, dicing up the cheese and the ham for the omelet, and cutting up the fruit. I fix my coffee the way I like it, almost gulping it down as I worry. My body screams at me to go to her, but she clearly didn't want me to see her like that, and I have to honor her unspoken wishes, although it pains me greatly.

Just as I put butter in the pan, she comes into the kitchen wearing the jogging pants and shirt I had set out for her. They are way too big on her, the pants droop loosely on her small hips and the sleeves of the shirt hang down to her fingertips, all disproportioned to her small frame. My stomach flutters slightly at the sight of her in my clothes and I can't understand why.

There are no tears in her eyes when she looks at me, but there is no hiding the fact that she had been crying. They are still puffy and swollen, rimmed red, making her deep brown eyes shimmer. Her face is flush from the shower, the most color I've seen on her, besides when she blushes; a pale pink that makes her skin look luminescent in the morning light, reminding me of the way she looked as she sat in my chair in the moonlight.

Tentatively, she makes her way into the room and sits at the breakfast bar, while I pour her a cup of coffee. Our eyes met briefly when I sit the mug in front of her.

Bella clears her throat, before trying to speak. "It smells good," she rasps, biting down on her bottom lip nervously.

"Thanks. How do you want your coffee?" Smiling, I turn to get the cream and sugar.

One corner of her mouth turns up into a smirk. It is the closest to a smile I've seen on her face since I crashed back into her life. "I like coffee with my cream and sugar. My dad says I don't know what real coffee tastes like." Her brow furrows as she frowns at the thought.

"Well, you're in luck. 'Cause I like mine the same way," I chuckle in an attempt to keep things light. I add the sugar, stirring till I know that it has dissolved in the hot coffee. Then I take the cream, pouring it slowly so that it will sink to the bottom of the cup. I stir it again, mixing it all together, turning the once black liquid into a dark taupe.

She reaches for the mug, wrapping her fingers around the cup, and brings it up to her nose, inhaling deeply. Briefly, she closes her eyes and sighs in appreciation. She takes a sip, and the hum of pleasure that bubbles up her throat goes straight to my dick.

_What the hell is wrong with me?_

Bella looks at me strangely, one eyebrow arches up and she cocks her head to the side. "This is how you drink your coffee," she whispers, her voice laced with wonder.

Nodding to her, "Yeah, I mean, when I started drinking coffee, I hated the taste of it. It's just so bitter without the other stuff. But I need the caffeine."

Bella scrunches her nose up in distaste. "I know. It is bitter. My dad says that's the way it's supposed to taste. He drinks it black with no sugar. I would rather drink root beer, than black coffee with nothing added to it," she retorts jokingly.

A memory of us together one night where Bella was given a root beer by mistake, and after taking a drink, she started spewing it everywhere, gagging and heaving to the point tears were falling down her face.

"And you hate root beer," I exclaim with a laugh.

She giggles with me, and then covers her mouth as if surprised by the sound. Her eyes become distant and I know she is lost in the same memory I had.

"Do you like the way I made your coffee?" I ask, hoping that it will distract her and break her out of what she is thinking and bring her back to the present.

She blinks at me, then shakes her head. "Yeah, I do. Very much," she whispers, taking another sip of the coffee, looking down into the cup.

The smell of burning butter filters through the kitchen. "Shit! The butter," I grumble, turning to the stove, pulling the skillet off the eye. Swishing the melted liquid around in the pan, I decide it's not bad enough to toss. I give it a moment to cool before setting it back down on the eye again, then I immediately pour the egg mixture in and watch as the edges of the mix start to sizzle and curl up.

Bella is quiet as I grab the ham and cheese to spread around the almost-done omelet, the only sound in the room is the butter in the pan, sizzling. I don't want to be quiet. I want to keep talking. Somehow, I've got to find a way to segue into what I want to tell her. Though, I'm not looking forward to her reaction to anything I have to say. I'm not going to be brutally honest, but that doesn't mean what I have to say isn't brutal.

Once the cheese is melted somewhat and the egg is starting to bubble, I take the spatula, ease it around one side, and flip it in half. After a minute, I flip it to the other side and start the toast.

When the omelet is done, I easily slide it on a plate. After I butter the toast, I place it on the plate with the omelet, along with some fruit, and set the plate down in front of her. Bella looks up at me, astonishment filling her eyes.

"I don't know how hungry you are, but maybe you could eat a little something," I implore her gently, nodding down at the plate. Considering what little she ate last night, and all the crying she did last night, as well as this morning, she should eat something to build her strength back up.

I turn back to the stove and start the whole process over for my omelet. She remains quiet, but this time, the scrape of the fork across her plate is the sound I hear. The fact that she is eating eases the worry that I didn't realize had built up inside me.

When my omelet and toast are finished, I sit down at the bar with her. Looking at her plate, I see that she has eaten some, but not as much as I would like her to. By this time, I'm starving and tuck right in, devouring my food.

Bella pushes her plate away before I'm finished. She grips her coffee cup in her hands and turns on the stool to gaze out the windows that look out into my backyard and beyond to the woods. After a moment, she breaks the silence.

"You have a beautiful home. The woods are gorgeous," she laments sadly.

"Thank you. The woods were the big selling point for me. I enjoy the solitude."

She nods and grows quiet again. Her silence is starting to drive me insane. So badly, I want to ask her why she is still here and what is going through her mind, but I know deep down if I push her, she will shut me out and try to run again, and I'm not willing to let that happen.

When I finish, I pick up our plates and start to clean up. As I'm running water into the sink to wash dishes, she comes and stands beside me, noticeably keeping a safe distance away from me.

As I wash the dishes, she rinses, placing them in the dish drainer, the entire time being extra careful that our bodies never touch. Even though her silence is killing me, we work together companionably and in synch with each other.

Her being here, in my house, does strange things to me. For years, I have desperately wanted to show her how I lived, the life I had made for myself, and that I wasn't that same dumbass kid that didn't give a shit about anything. Now that she is here with me, I can hardly contain my happiness and the peace that she gives me just being near, just like it was all those years ago.

"I'm so glad you're here," I blurt out, inwardly cringing at my outburst. Bella blushes, staring intently into the sink, obviously avoiding me and my statement.

Once we are finished, she excuses herself to the bathroom. Taking our coffee mugs, I make us another cup of coffee and go sit in the living room. When she walks in the room, she looks around, much as she did in my bedroom, observing everything around her.

Her eyes finally settle on me, I can see that determination that she had drawn from yesterday when she arrived. She makes her way over to the couch, sitting down at the opposite end where I have set her coffee down on the table in front of us. Sitting down, she curls her legs underneath her and grabs the mug, taking a generous sip.

"This is really good. Thank you for making me more," she murmurs softly, looking down into the mug.

"You're welcome," I respond before taking a deep breath. This is it. She's here, and apparently she wants to finish what we started last night. In a way, I'm relieved that she is staying so we can talk more, but in another, I'm worried that even though she wants to resolve this between us, she is still going to be hurt from it.

"If…will you…can we talk some more?" I sputter out, anxiously. Raking my hands through my hair nervously, I try again. "Please, Bella. There are things I need to tell you."

Last night she told me everything that I wanted to know. She opened herself up and bared her soul to me. Now it's my turn to tell her everything.

Her eyes dart to mine. In them I can see the hurt and the strength that she has carried with her for so many years. Finally, she nods in compliance, and I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding.

She answered my questions, and I am going to answer hers. It is up to her as to whether or not she will understand the choices I made so long ago. I can't force her to accept the choices I have made. Hopefully, after I tell her the rest, she won't hate me anymore than she already does.

"How much do you know about what happened that night?" I question her, setting my mug on the table.

She immediately knows what I'm talking about and anger clouds her face. "Only what Charlie and Charlotte would tell me," she says bitterly. As soon as the words are out of her mouth, her anger seems to dissipate into shame. "I'm sorry," she apologizes regretfully, looking down at her hands. "Charlie told me the police version. Charlotte hardly told me anything. She wouldn't talk about that night."

"I guess I owe her for that," I murmur, causing Bella to look at me with surprised eyes.

"I don't understand," Bella whispers quietly.

_Here we go._

"You know how I felt about Charlotte." Bella grimaces at my statement, before turning her face away from me. She nods in understanding, making my stomach churn with sickness, that essentially, I have reminded her that I picked Charlotte over her. But I need to start at the beginning if I'm going to tell her this.

"The night I overdosed, I was fucked up…way more than I had ever been before. We all were. We had been shooting up heroin, and honestly, I don't remember anything other than a few bits and pieces. We were all laughing and joking while Jeff was playing music, completely oblivious to everything that was going on, or so I thought…" I trail off, remembering that if it wasn't for Jeff, I would not be here now.

"Vaguely, I remember going to the bathroom and then looking for Charlotte. She had been gone a while and I wondered where she went. I heard a noise coming from the bedroom…when I opened the door, Charlotte and Mitchell were making out. It upset me and pissed me off. Especially when Charlotte told me to go the fuck away," I grumble, thinking of the way she dismissed me so easily, when at the time, I thought she was everything.

I look over to Bella to gauge her reaction of what I have told her so far. Her eyes are wide in surprise. It bothers me that she has to hear that Charlotte was the reason for my stupidity. It also bothers me that I dismissed Bella just as easily as Charlotte dismissed me. The only difference is the way Bella handled it, compared to the way I did. Once I am finished, I hope I can make Bella see that it wasn't the real me that wanted Charlotte.

"I went back into the living room and tried to shoot up some more. I was hurt, and confused, and just wanted to forget. I had watched Mitchell fix it up and thought I could do it myself. I was wrong," I contemplate solemnly aloud, "very wrong."

Bella gasps softly at my admission of trying to shoot up again on my own. Her eyes lock with mine and I watch as they fill with tears. That feeling of wanting to hold her and protect her from everything, even myself, consumes me. But I can't stop telling her this.

"I barely remember feeling sick…starting to vomit. The next thing I remember after that is waking up in the hospital. My mother was there…to my surprise, so was my father. The doctor came in to examine me and that is when I noticed the restraints." Struggling with the memories, I tried to forget the confusion and the desperation that I felt when I woke up like that.

"The doctor talked to me and my parents about my overdose. The fact that I had been out for three days could possibly mean that I could have memory loss, or other neurological problems. He kept saying that there was a chance of brain damage, due to lack of oxygen to my brain because of the length of time I was out before the EMT's revived me on the way to the hospital. Before he left, he told my parents that his assistant was gathering the information that they wanted for a rehabilitation center for them to send me to. He then turned to me and told me that I was a lucky young man, and was given a second chance and to not throw it away."

I sigh. "At the time, I didn't feel lucky. I felt trapped and caged. It was like it always was with them, I didn't have any options," I explain wearily.

"They sent me straight to rehab as soon as I was released from the hospital. It was exactly as my mother had promised, if I didn't stop, she would do everything in her power to stop me. It was awful…that place was awful. I hated it. I hated my parents for sending me there. I begged them not to leave me there. I told them I would never use again. But they didn't trust me. They said I needed professional help to stop using drugs. That they couldn't deal with it anymore. My mother cried when she left me there that day. I cried too, because I knew that I would never get out of there again, until they thought I was better."

"To me, it was worse than when I lived at home and my mother watching every move I made," I laugh bitterly at the memory of living at home, compared to life in rehab. "I couldn't do anything without them watching me. The staff, the nurses, and doctors, all of them, watched me like a hawk. It was the closest thing to a prison I could imagine."

"Freedom was earned in that place, and it took me a while to earn it. I fought against the system as much as I could. Not because I wanted to use drugs again. After almost dying, deep down I knew that I wouldn't do anything that stupid again. But I felt everything, and the need to be able to just get fucked up and forget everything was still there. I had to convince everyone that I wouldn't do it again, and it wasn't easy. I was forced to meet with a counselor and attend group therapy sessions. We even had family counseling. I hated the idea of confronting my parents and Alice about the way my life was so fucked up at the time."

All of the memories flooded me. making me feel hopeless like I always did back then; the feeling of being watched all the time; never having a moment to myself without someone looking over my shoulder; crying, and yelling, and begging my parents to take me with them when they left; Alice crying for me.

Not one memory from that time was a pleasant one. All of my memories were jaded after my parents divorced and ripped our family apart.

Then add to it the way I felt when I thought of Bella, and the way I hurt the only person who cared about me, it all just made me sick.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I continued. "I spent a long time there. Once they thought I was ready to be in the real world, my parents still didn't trust me. So they sent me to a very rigid and strict private school, where I was drug tested anytime they wanted. When I graduated, I decided that I wanted to look into something like a halfway house. Something that might help me work my way back into the real world. This time it was my choice to go. I just couldn't bring myself to move back home with my mother yet. So I found a place that sounded like just what I needed. That is how I met Jasper," I muse thoughtfully, and smile in spite of myself. Jasper was like a godsend to me, and to Alice.

I look over to where Bella is sitting and listening anxiously, seemingly hanging onto every word. I'm just glad she hasn't run screaming yet.

"Jasper has a farm that he turned into a place for troubled teens. I was seventeen when I graduated, so I was able to attend. He put you to work. You helped with the daily running of the farm, from feeding the livestock, to basic upkeep. When the buildings needed repair, or he would add on another building or barn, you would help with the construction. It was like a working program, where not only did you get a chance to help, but you were taught a skill. Once I was there, I started volunteering some with the other kids with Jasper's encouragement. When I looked at some of the younger kids, I could see myself in them so clearly. They just needed some direction, someone to show them that they cared, just as I did. What started out as a way to help me reenter society, ended up being a commitment to help others," I say sincerely, thinking of how I turned something bad into something good.

Her phone rings, causing up both to jump. She stiffens and visibly winces, looking over at me apologetically, "It's my Mom. I'm sure she is wondering why I'm not home. If I don't answer it, she'll just keep calling back. You know how she is," she said, rolling her eyes.

I nod gratefully. It would give me an opportunity to step back and calm down. Anytime I allow myself to think of that time, it makes me sad and angry for all that I had done and lost. I've told her the majority so far, but I still have to explain why I stayed away for so long.

"Hello," Bella answers timidly as she walks to the French doors, standing in the light. Even in the sunlight, she looks like the broken angel from last night, but instead of the pale skin shining in the moonlight, this time she was shining in a different way. Her eyes are different too. They still hold the hint of tears, but some of the sadness seems to be gone.

"I'm fine, Mom," she sighs as she starts to pace, back and forth in front of the doors, chewing her lip between the yes's and no's she gives Renee softly in response.

At once she stops. She looks out the window again, her free arm wrapping around her waist, as her fingers bunch the shirt up in a tight grip at her side.

Turning, she faces me. Her eyes hold mine, deep brown against forest green. The sun is shining in from behind her, showing off hints of red and light brown in her dark hair. She blushes deeply, and if I could have touched her, I am sure it would scorch me.

"I promise. I'm okay," she whispers quietly, nodding to something Renee said to her. "I will. I love you. Bye."

She closes her phone, setting it on the coffee table. "I'm sorry. She said to tell you hello."

Bella must have told Renee that she was coming here. If she told Charlie that she was coming here, I wonder what he thinks about her being here with me. I'm sure he's far from happy about Bella talking to me. I can't really say that I blame him.

Bella takes her seat on the couch again, picking up her coffee and taking a drink. I smile at Renee's sentiment, then take a deep breath, and start again when Bella nods at me to continue. "Jasper helped me so much when I first went there. He helped me realize that all we can do is try our best and that nobody is perfect. I did my twelve step program with him." I don't explain to her that I completed all of the twelve steps but one. That making amends with her was part of my recovery. She doesn't need to know that. "Even though I went through therapy, alone, and with my family, and attended rehab, I never really understood the importance of those twelve steps until I met Jasper."

"What is a twelve step program? I've heard about it, but I don't understand what it means," Bella asks genuinely, turning her whole body around to face me.

"It's a plan to help with recovery from addiction. It was conceived for alcoholics, but is used for any type of addictions. You stand up, tell your name, then share your problems with each other. Jasper had group meetings once a week. He made it comfortable by doing it around a camp fire out in the open," I murmur, thinking back about all the times I stood up and said, 'Hi, I'm Edward and I'm a drug addict.'

"But what are the twelve steps?" Bella asks, breaking into my thoughts.

I take a deep breathe and sigh. "They're a set of guidelines defining a course of action for recovery. First you have to admit that you can't control your addiction," I begin, explaining all of the steps the best way I can. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone who has never had an addiction can truly understand what they all mean.

She listens intently, her brows furrowing in confusion when she doesn't understand. When she asks questions, she nods thoughtfully to my answers. I can almost see the wheels turning in her in head. If she could have helped Charlotte do this, she would have.

When I describe the steps to her that includes making amends to all the people I have harmed, her eyes glaze over with sadness and grief, and she looks away from me.

Out of all the people I harmed, she was the one person that I could never make amends with. I couldn't bring myself to ask for her forgiveness. Just by looking at her, I can tell that she knows that I, because of her, I never completed that step fully.

"Even though I vowed that I would never use again, I still didn't trust myself," I say warily, after I finish explaining all the steps to her, "and when I finally reached the point that I knew I wasn't addicted anymore, I couldn't come back. It wasn't only that I couldn't come back…but more so that I wouldn't. I just knew that if I did, I wasn't sure that I would be strong enough to stop myself from using again, and I would be sucked back into that life. It was so hard rebuilding my life and working through the problems that I had, and I still struggle through."

It was true. I struggle everyday. Even right now, if I could just smoke a joint to ease the tension that had built up in me, I would.

"Deep down, I knew that if I came home, if I was around Charlotte or anyone else that used drugs, that I would go right back to using. And I knew that if I was around you, that Charlotte would be there too. I knew Charlotte would never stop using. There are some people that either don't want to or can't. She was both. I would never ask you to choose between her and me. And I couldn't stay with you if you did choose her. So I stayed away to save myself. And for that, I am truly sorry."

Bella hasn't said a word for a long time and I'm worried. She has moved into a defensive position, with her legs pulled up to her chest, and her arms wrapped around them. Her eyes are fixed on me, staring at me like when you see a wreck, but you just can't look away. She is nervously chewing on her bottom lip to the point that I am scared she is going to make it bleed.

There is no way to change what I've done or why. All of my choices are my own, just as Bella's are hers. Although many people don't understand her choices, or the way she's lived her life, I understand all to well. We all have defense mechanisms. First, mine was drugs, and then it was staying away because I didn't feel strong enough. Bella's was shutting herself off from the rest of the world. The choices we've made over time have hurt each other more than anything else ever could have.

The only thing I can do right now, is to continue to apologize. "I abandoned you in every way possible. I never wrote you because I didn't know how to say I was sorry. I knew how much I hurt you. I stayed away because I couldn't face my old life again. I realize now what a mistake I made by staying away. At the time, the only thing I was worried about was myself. I was stupid for the way I acted, in so many ways. I'm sorry that I left without ever talking to you again. I'm sorry that you had to face all that you did alone. I'm sorry that, because of me that you made the choices you did. I understand why you did what you did. I know all to well about the things we do to get by and survive. But I'm sorry that because of me, you had to go through what you did." My nervous rambling halts, but that uneasy feeling I have won't stop.

Bella is silent. Watching her closely, I can see all the emotions; hurt, pain, anger, grief, and sadness as they flicker across her face. Deep down, I think she knows I'm right, but it doesn't make it any easier for her to hear.

"I know that you think that you are to blame for what happened. But if you had never become close to me, if you hadn't become my friend, things wouldn't have turned out this way. I also know that if I hadn't hurt you the way I did, you wouldn't have lived your life the way you have."

It's all I've ever wanted to say and more. All the things that have bugged me and tormented me about the way things ended between us. She is staring at me intently as she absorbs it all in.

It's maddening waiting on her to respond.

"Say something," I whisper.

She blinks and focuses in on me. Taking a deep breathe, she exhales audibly. "I understand why you stayed away. I don't blame you for not wanting to stay away from the drugs. All I ever wanted was for you stop using. And to stop hurting yourself," she murmurs gently, causing guilt to well up in me that she cared enough about me to understand and let me off so easily.

"But you could have at least let me have known that you were alright. For the longest time, I worried about you so much," she whispers tearfully, looking up at me from under her wet lashes, "wondering if you were okay. It was like you just…disappeared. No one would tell me anything. I finally found out that you were alright. It made me feel better that you were at least out there and alive. And I know that we were just _friends_, but I did care what happened to you," she adds sadly.

I cannot miss the way she says friends. She does not say it sarcastically, but more with regret. Now is the time to make it clear about Charlotte. This is the opening I have been waiting for.

"Bella, I know that I didn't love you the way that you loved me." She sucks in a sharp breath at my statement, and I watch what little color she has drain from her face. "But that doesn't mean that I didn't care about you. That doesn't mean that you weren't important to me. Because you were…you are," I correct myself, moving closer to her. "You were my best friend. The best part of me. And I know now that whatever I felt for Charlotte was nothing more than the drugs. It wasn't her I was attracted to, but the way she made me feel. She was like me, or so I thought. Her family life sucked like mine. We both loved doing drugs and getting fucked up. We had so much in common, but only after everything happened, did I realize that it wasn't really her, and all the things we had in common were crazy bad," I pause, taking in a shaky breath.

"Do you understand what I'm saying? I didn't really love her," I rasp out, answering my own question for her.

Tears fill Bella's eyes and I watch as they spill over, streaming down her cheeks. She is silent, other than a few sniffles. Her tears and silence tear and claw at my insides, and knowing that it is my fault again, is ripping me apart.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry," I whisper, moving closer to her. Giving into my need to touch her, I cradle her face with my hands, wiping her tears away with my thumbs. Her skin is smooth, like polished marble, but soft and yielding to my touch and warm from her tears. To my surprise, and delight, she doesn't flinch or move away from me. "I truly am. I never meant to hurt you."

"How could you make those choices for me?" she sobs tearfully, shudders coursing through her body as she cries harder. "You of all people…," she chokes out.

Defeated, I drop my head in shame. I cannot deny that she is right.

"I was wrong, Bella. In so many ways," I concede quietly. Releasing her face, I slid my hands down her arms, taking her hands in mine, stroking the inside of her palms with my thumbs. Touching her calms me more than any drug I have ever taken, and I hope it does the same for her.

"Don't ever take my choice away from me again," she commands furiously, making my eyes snap back to hers. She is glaring at me with more spark in her eyes than I think I have ever seen. They are wet and brimming, but it does not diminish the fire in them.

"I promise, I won't," I reply sincerely, squeezing her hands in reassurance. "We both had our choices taken away from us. This time, we won't make any decisions without talking about it first. To each other. Okay?" I soothe softly, moving my fingers slowly up and down her arms, feeling her flesh warm through my shirt with my touch.

I want to hold her. I want the heat that I feel to surround me. I want to pull her into my arms and feel her body mold to mine.

But I can't. I won't take from her anymore than she is willing to give me freely right now. And after this morning, and last night, I don't want to push her too far.

There is something else I want to say, but I'm not sure how she will react to it.

"I know you won't ever forget about the past, but maybe we can heal enough to move on. I'm only asking you to try and move forward, not forgive. I would never ask for your forgiveness. I only hope that one day we could have what I so easily threw away," I say quietly, praying all the while that she believes me.

She nods slowly, but I'm not sure if she really gets what I'm trying to say. I really don't know what I'm trying to say myself. So I try again.

"We never had a chance to be a normal teenager. Let's try something…why don't we just…hang out?"

It sounds more like a question than a statement. What they hell was I thinking asking her if she wanted to hang out? We aren't teenagers anymore. It all sounded really good in my head, but hearing myself say it out loud, made it sound really stupid.

When I look at her, she is staring at me with wide eyes, like I'm crazy, and maybe I am.

"Okay," she replies so softly that I almost don't hear her.

If I'm crazy for suggesting this, maybe she is just as crazy for accepting. But right now, I don't care. She has agreed to my childish suggestion, and I can't help but smile. She smiles back at me shyly, in response, as I tuck an errant hair behind her ear. It's not much, but it's a start.

It all sounds crazy and stupid. Trying to relive something we lost so long ago. I don't know where we'll go from here. But I want to find out, and it seems Bella does too. So, I guess we'll go from here.

**A/N: Thank you to wulfaz, the former robots will cry, for taking the time to read this chapter and fix my mistakes. She is all kinds of awesome for doing that for me with her busy schedule!**

**Cullenfan524, along with another writer, has written a story named Rejected Imprint. Their name is Coconspirators, so go check it out. **

**How did I do? I'm nervous about this chapter, so please review and tell me what you think. I apologize again for the long wait between updates. **


	18. So Far Away

**Hey! (Waving hands in the air.) **

**Remember me?**

**I can't apologize enough for taking so long to update. I suck, I know. Real life kicks ass around my house, and always comes first. When the kids are in school, I'm just so busy. I work part time and volunteer at school. Both my kids are on the swim team and in the chess club. My deepest apologies to those of you who are still with me, and just so you know, I'm not giving up on this story. **

**Thank you to tawelephant for editing this for me. Believe me when I say she had her work cut out for her, lol, especially since it's been so long since I've updated. She was so sweet for taking the time to do this for me. **

**Wulfaz, my normal beta for this story is really busy right now, but maybe she can help me out next time.**

**I made some changes after tawelephant looked it over for me last week, so any mistakes after are mine.**

**Sorry for the long announcement. On with the story.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of the characters, but this story and plot are mine. **

Chapter 18: So Far Away

_This is my life_

_It's not what it was before_

_All these feelings I've shared_

_And these are my dreams_

_That I'd never lived before_

_Somebody shake me _

_Cause I_

_I must be sleeping_

_Now that we're here_

_It's so far away_

_All the struggles we had were in vain_

_And all of the mistakes_

_One life contained_

_They all finally start to go away_

_Now that we're here it's so far away_

_And I feel like I can face the day_

_And I can forgive_

_And I'm not ashamed _

_To be the person I am today_

_These are my words_

_That I've never said before_

_I think I'm doing okay_

_And this is my smile_

_That I've never shown before_

_Somebody shake me 'cause I_

_I must be sleeping_

_So Far Away ~ Staind_

_~Bella~_

I've often wondered if someone knew that they were losing their mind before it actually happened. Do you know that you are about to lose your mind? Or is it like, one day and _BAM_, all your coherent thoughts are out the window? Was it something that you never saw coming? Everything is fine. And then guess what? You're crazy as a loon.

Sitting here, I wonder when my decline into mental instability happened. Maybe it had been coming all along and I just didn't see the signs from everything else that had been going on in my life. Considering that I have spent half of my life dwelling on the past, no wonder I might be losing my mind.

With the only friend I ever had passing away, trying to reconnect with my parents after pushing them away for so long, and then letting go the only man that will probably ever love me, I guess I should have seen it coming.

And if all that wasn't enough, I had this need that surpassed everything else to confront the only man I ever cared and loved as to why he tossed me away like a rag doll, not caring if I was ever found again or not.

I guess a nervous breakdown was inevitable.

I suppose I have lost my mind. Maybe I have or maybe he has. I'm not really sure. But did he really just ask me to…hang out?

_What. The. Hell?_

Blinking my eyes, I smile at him warily, not sure if I was hearing him right or was just plain hearing things. Inside, I just want to laugh hysterically.

_Maybe I am hallucinating all of this._

But that wasn't true. I had already determined that last night and this morning were most certainly real. It wasn't a dream and it was confirmed when I woke up in his arms this morning.

Waking up in his arms was the most amazing feeling I had ever had in my life.

I never wanted to leave the warmth of his embrace. I wanted to cling to him with all the love and need and want that I've carried with me all these years.

But it freaked me out.

It was something that I had often dreamed of, him holding me close to his body, the two of us molded together as if we were one. For most of my life, it seems I had speculated if things had been different between us, what it would feel like to be close to him this way.

But it was all too much in reality. It was something that I had wanted so desperately when I was younger. And even though I could easily stay in his arms forever, his rejection of me all those years ago wouldn't let me enjoy the feeling.

And though I feared his touch, I longed for it just the same. It felt so right being in his arms that it brought on a whole new fear. How was I ever going to be around him and him not seeing how much I wanted him? How much I needed him.

So I did what I always did, I ran and hid myself away. Not away from him like I really wanted to, but to the bathroom so I could be by myself for a few moments and try to calm down.

I wanted to run. It would have been so easy to. But I wanted to finish what we had started. I wanted answers. That alone drove away the fear that made me want to run.

After last night, it was obvious that he didn't want to let me go. He had already proven to me that he was going to stop me if I would run. In some way, I could tell that he wanted to tell me everything and give me the answers I have so desperately wanted all these years. If he was going to tell me, then I was going to listen.

When I asked him to take a shower, he seemed a little confused but he complied with my odd request. He was gracious and kind, a side of him I had never really known before these last few months, and led me to the bathroom in his room.

The moment I walked into his room, I stopped dead in my tracks. Seeing his bedroom was just another look into how he lived his life and another reminder of the home he had made for himself. It was bright and open, the opposite of everything he was when we were younger.

He noticed my hesitation, but didn't press the issue and for that I was grateful. If he had asked me what I was thinking at that moment, I'm sure I would have fallen apart.

Once he left me alone, I locked the door to the bathroom and quickly stripped off my clothes. Taking a shower was the only way I knew I could be alone and let out all the consuming thoughts that were overwhelming me. If I was about to have a panic attack, I didn't want an audience.

Turning the water up as hot as I could stand, I stepped under the spray, tears springing to my eyes as soon as the water hit my skin. Over and over, I breathed the steam in trying to calm down, but it didn't work. I broke down and began to sob.

It was real. Last night really happened.

I pressed my back against the wall, feeling the coldness of the tile wall, a sharp contrast to the heat of the water, and I knew that it was not a dream. Since the funeral, there were many times that I wished I could have woken up and all of it been a nightmare. Today was no different. Although we had talked and admitted many things to each other, it was all a bitter reminder of how we got here in the first place.

Once my tears finally subsided, I got out of the shower and dried off. Between the body wash and shampoo and the towel I was using, all I could smell was Edward.

Somewhere deep inside, I'd worried that I would wash away the smell of him from where he had held me in his arms, but instead I had washed him deeper into my skin. It wasn't as strong as if I was in his arms, but the scent was strong enough to still be comforting just the same.

After I was dry, I tentatively opened the door to his bedroom to grab the clothes that he said he would leave for me. Slowly, as if I was scared they would burn me, I reached out and picked up the clothes that he laid out. Bringing them to my nose, I inhaled deeply, happy that they smelled of him. Clean and warm. Both were smells that I never thought I would associate with Edward.

Smiling to myself as I dressed, I was filled with something totally unfamiliar. The fact that I smelled like him and had his clothes surrounding me, its happiness that I was experiencing, and I reveled in it.

After I dressed, I sat down for a second trying to calm myself and think about what I really wanted. Edward and I had come this far. What could it hurt to hear the rest and finish what we started?

But, as usual, I was wrong. It did hurt. Everything he went through was worse, much more so than I could have imagined.

When I entered the kitchen, he had a nice breakfast prepared for us. I was somewhat surprised that he fixed his coffee just like mine. A long time ago, there were many things that we both liked, and it seemed weird that we might still share the same tastes in things.

Even though my stomach was tied in knots, I tried to eat some, but just couldn't force myself despite the fact that it tasted so good. Our conversation was stilted somewhat, but we were both nervous. Considering everything, we muddled through it and even managed to wash dishes together. He blurted out that he was glad I was there while we were washing dishes, but I was so dumbfounded by his statement, that I couldn't even respond.

Once we finished, we retreated to the living room so we could talk.

Listening to everything that he went through after the over dose, the fear he had from almost dying and then the abandonment he felt from his parents sending him away to get treatment, made me hurt for him as he told me in detail of everything that happened after he was gone. He may have broken my heart, but I still would never want to see him hurt the way he had.

I'm not surprised that his mother and father took such drastic measures after the overdose. Deep down, I was happy that they did what they did and took the steps to make him better. It was more than obvious that he was out of control, doing any drug he could get his hands on, plus drinking alcohol, then on top of that, he was careless and reckless with his life. He needed a wakeup call, but I hated that it took him almost dying to stop his downward spiral and that what his parents did was so drastic.

From the research that I had done about Charlotte's drug addiction, I knew that some programs were intensive and cut you off from the rest of the world. The center that Edward was sent to was like that and I could understand why he was unable to contact me at first.

But once he was out of there and at the private school, I didn't understand why he couldn't have written me a letter to at least let me know what had happened and how he was.

The fact that he didn't made me think I was inadequate and unworthy, just like all the other times. The feeling of never being enough to make a difference in his life or the fact that he didn't want me or care enough to let me know he was alright hurt, but anger began to overrule.

It made me angry that he didn't respect me enough to make my own decisions and didn't really give me a choice in the matter. He said I would have never left Charlotte, but truth be known, I already had. There was nothing that I could've done to help her, and I had long but given up and waited for the inevitable.

And for some reason, he thought he was doing the right thing by staying away. It was a choice that he shouldn't have made for me. No matter if he thought he was right or not, it was my choice to make. So I told him, and it felt good to let it all out.

Our lives have been changed so much by the choices we had made or that were made for us. It changed us irrevocably, but there was nothing that could be done about it now.

Everything was in the past. It would always be there. The pain and loneliness I had felt over the years from shutting myself off from everyone and everything, none of it would ever change. There was nothing that we could do to change the events in the past, but maybe we could learn from our mistakes for the future.

There had always been this draw that I had to Edward. It was like a gravitational pull drawing me closer to him no matter what the cataclysmic effects would be. The pull was still there and I truly believed it always would be when it came to him.

So years later, here I am faced with a choice. Did I want to chance another friendship with Edward?

Yes. Yes, I did. No matter how stupid it might be, to agree to this, but we can't help who we love.

I break myself out of my internal revelry and look back to the man Edward has become. He no longer is the boy that I loved unconditionally. He still looks the same to me on the outside, striking green eyes and messy bronze hair, but on the inside he has become what I've always wanted him to become. Clean and sober and safe. And that is what I have to look at now.

As I stare at him, I can see that his face is apprehensive with what looks like fear. I'm not sure what he could be afraid of, whether it is because he thinks that I will reject him or it is because he wants to take back the suggestion.

Whatever it is, I'm not going to give him a chance to change his mind. Like diving into a cold pool, I plunge. "Okay," I reply quietly to his suggestion.

Instantly he looks relieved that I agreed to do this and a huge smile graces his beautiful face. Inside I roll my eyes at him for ever thinking I could or would deny him. He reaches out, tucking some of my hair behind my ear and I shiver at the contact.

I want to ask him what this all means. I'm sure that it is just as friends, but every time I look at him, I am reminded of my feelings for him. I still love him. It's all kinds of crazy, I know, but again, you can't help who you love.

To some, a young love is something they remember fondly, bringing a secret smile to your face when they think back. And they're able to move on eventually without remorse. To me, my crush had consumed me and changed me, and Edward, almost irrevocably.

But in order for me to move on, I have to be strong. It is time for me to wake up and grow up. I can't continue living my life the way I had been all this time. I need to step out of my past and into my future. If that means that I might be able to get past all of this longing and regret, it can't hurt.

I'm not sure what we were supposed to do now. Do we shake on it? Do we hug? I am at a loss. My lack of friends and how introverted I really was, was never more apparent than at this moment.

Looking up at him, I can see that he is just as lost as I am in how we are supposed to do this. It is almost comical that we both endured so much together and apart, and still have no way of knowing how to act.

He is the one who was a counselor though, so I will wait and see how he wants to do this. I'm a complete chicken, I know, but I don't want to do anything that might mess this up.

We both seem to gape like fish at each other. A sink or swim kind of feeling surrounding us. I can see that he wants this as much as me, if not more, but how to do it?

Before either of us can say anything, off in the distance I can hear what I assume is his cell phone ringing.

_Is that the song from Ferris Bueller, when he was singing in the parade? I know I've lost my mind._

"Shit. What time is it?" His eyes dart around frantically for a clock. "Damn. It's Alice," he mutters, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "If I don't answer it, she'll keep calling."

At the mention of her name, I stiffen. There is a knock at the door and panic begins to well up in me at the thought of someone catching me here, especially if is Alice. Edward looks up at me, regret swimming in his eyes.

"Damn, I bet that's her." As if Edward could read my mind, he attempts to console me. "Don't worry. I promise I won't tell her you're here," he murmurs, running his hand nervously through his hair.

"Please don't leave," he begs me. He starts walking backwards, studying me carefully as he makes his way to the door. Stumbling over his feet, he turns around and begins muttering to himself. I can't make out everything he is saying, but I swear I hear him say 'I'm such an idiot' and 'How could I forget.'

As soon he reaches for the handle on the door, I bolt. I hastily make my way back to his bedroom, shutting the door behind me and locking it. There is no way I'm staying in there with Alice. There's just no way.

I turn and press my ear to the door like a kid trying to eavesdrop on her parents. Instead of letting whoever it is at the door inside, he must have stepped outside. The fact that he does that proves to me that he will do whatever to shield me from Alice, or whoever it might be, and for that I am more than grateful. I can barely face Edward, much less the wrath of Alice.

I try to listen, but it's quiet. There are no sounds or decipherable noises that I can hear. Hopefully that is a good sign. If it is Alice, it is definitely a change to the old Edward and Alice confrontations that I remember from the past.

The front door opens and closes again, letting me know that whoever it was has left. I hear Edward's footsteps as he makes his way through the house. Even though I know he is coming closer, when he taps on his bedroom door, I jump.

"Bella?" he whispers through the door. "She's gone. You can come out now."

Flipping the lock, I slowly open the door. Looking at Edward, I can see relief wash over his face just before giving me a soft smile.

"Hey," I whisper, my mouth turning up in a smile to match his.

"Hey back," he whispers softly in return. Reaching out, he tucks an errant hair behind my ear. It isn't the first time he has done that since I've been here, and I hope it won't be the last.

"I'm really sorry about that. Alice and I have a standing date on Saturday to go to yard sales. When I didn't call her this morning, she just came over."

When I arch my brow in question, he chuckles. "I know, right. Me and Alice. That is a whole other story that I would like to tell you sometime." I nod and secretly smile at the thought that there will be a next time with him.

I walk back to the living room hyper aware of Edward following me. The bubble that seemed to surround us while we were talking has popped due to Alice's interruption.

Suddenly I am hit with a wave of tiredness and the deep need to escape. It's not running I try to tell myself, but I need some time to process all that we have talked about. I especially need to figure the hanging out part. It just really blows my mind.

I turn to him and he is regarding me carefully. It's like he knows. "You're leaving aren't you?" He questions quietly.

"I really need to go home," I whisper in response.

He nods, but I don't miss the dejected look in his eyes.

We're back to that awkward point of "where do we go from here?"

"About what…"

"Listen…"

We both speak at the same time. He laughs and I giggle nervously.

He clears his throat and straightens his shoulders. "I meant what I said earlier. I want us to spend some time together."

Without thinking, I nod my consent. "I would like that."

He smiles a crooked smile and tucks his head looking down at his feet. I realize that he is just as nervous as I am and that makes me feel better.

"When?" I question, putting myself out there trying to ease some of his discomfort. We are both going to have to put forth some effort and since he is trying, I will too.

"Uh…Do you like live music?"

That is a loaded question. For a long time, I avoided music like the plague because of the memories they reminded me of. When I finally started listening to it again, it seemed like I had missed a whole era.

He must sense my inner turmoil and pushes forward. "It's just that, we have live music every other weekend at the farm. It gives the kids something fun to do and something constructive instead of destructive to concentrate on. Some of them play, while others help out back stage. Jasper and I play sometimes. I would love for you to come hear us play."

Now, I'm truly panicking. Not only will we be meeting in a public place, but I'll be forced to meet this Jasper that he claims helped him so much and then there's the chance that Alice might be there too.

"I know what you're thinking," he whispers, my eyes darting to his at the comment, giving me the impression that he can really read my mind. "Alice doesn't come, not right now anyway." The way he says it makes me think there is more to that story than he is willing to share right now. Or maybe he knows that Alice is still a sore subject for me. "No one will know you. You don't have to worry about meeting Jasper either. He's really a great guy and easygoing. And I would really like for you to see what I do." There's something in his voice that is so compelling that makes me want to believe what he is saying. But it's always been like that.

"Please." He begs me. "Just come. It's next Saturday night."

I look at him. He is not only begging me with words. He is begging me with everything that he has.

I can do this. This is what I wanted. A chance to start over and change the way I've been living my life. I want to live. Not stand in the shadows of my life and watch as it passes by.

"Okay…" I respond and his smile tells me that he is elated that I have agreed.

"Thank you," he beams to me and dispels the tension that had started to build up. "Thank you, Bella. You won't regret it."

And the way he says it, somehow, I know it's true.

Leaving him was harder than I thought it would be. After he got me to agree to come watch him play, I told him that I really needed to get home. He said that he understood and he needed to go help Alice and Jasper with something.

When I went to retrieve my clothes, he grabbed them before I could and stuffed them in a canvas shopping bag, insisting that I keep his clothes. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why, but I was too tired to argue and my need to run was getting the better of me.

There was an awkward moment when we said goodbye. Neither of us seemed to know how to do it. He reached out to me, and in that moment, I panicked thinking he was going to hug me. It wouldn't be a bad thing, but it seems like when he holds me, it ignites things in me that I need to keep quelled.

Something in his eyes told me that he knew that and at the last second he changed tactics. One finger stroked softly against my forehead, then down my temple, before he slipped some hair behind my ear making my heart flutter in my chest. It wasn't the first time he touched me this way and I savored the feeling. I think I can handle that much for now.

We agreed to keep in contact, whether by calls or texts. He walked me out to the car, opening my door for me telling me that I'm welcome to come anytime. By the time I started to drive away, I was giddy from all of his attention.

Arriving back at my apartment, it seemed so lonely, especially now.

Before everything that happened with Charlotte, my apartment was my sanctuary. I felt comfortable and safe here.

Now it just seems cold and closed in, void of anything that made it feel like a home. It was nothing like the open, spacious home that Edward had made for himself. I didn't want to be envious of him, but I just couldn't help myself.

Even though I had cleaned thoroughly when I came home from the beach, I went in search of something to do to occupy my mind.

I wasn't home long when I heard a knock on the door. For a brief second, I hoped that maybe it was Edward coming to check on me, but I shook my head quickly dispelling that thought.

I wasn't surprised to see that it was Renee standing on the other side of my door staring back at me through my key hole. When she called while I was with Edward, I knew that I would have to see her some time today or she would hunt me down so that she could get the details from me. I guess she couldn't wait any longer.

"I know you're in there. I can see you through the hole," she sighs heavily. "Please let me in."

I have no choice. She had a key.

As soon as I open the door, she pulls me to her and envelopes me in her arms. "I've been so worried about you," she coos, swaying slightly as she cradles me to her. It feels really good for her to be here and in her arms.

She pulls back from me making me instantly miss her embrace. Framing my face with her hands, she smiles at me with all the warmth and love that I remembered from when I was a child. My eyes instantly well up with tears.

"Are you okay?" Renee questions, tilting her head from side to side looking me over.

"Yes," I breathe in relief. I am okay. For the first time in a very long time, I am okay.

"Good," she chirps happily, bending down to grab the bags that she had left on the floor.

She walks into the kitchen and I follow her curious as to what she brought with her. When she starts pulling out all of my favorite flavors of ice cream and toppings, I laugh in spite of myself.

"Mom," I giggle. It is almost a foreign sound to me, but I am becoming use to it quickly. "I haven't even had lunch yet."

"That's what this is for," she states pulling out a sack of those mini burgers I love so much. Oh, how I've missed this. Even though I've kept her at arms length all these years, she still knows me so well.

Without another word, we dig right into the burgers, both of us moaning in content.

When Renee starts fidgeting around a little in her seat, I know that she wants to say something, so I tell her to just say it.

"You're father is worried about you too," she intones softly.

"Mom…no…you didn't," I stutter, shaking my head back and forth, scared of what his reaction is going to be about me being with Edward.

She straightens up in her chair. "Yes, yes I did. No more secrets. No more hiding anything."

"I know. You're right," I concede unwillingly because I know she's right. "But he hates Edward so much. I don't want to rub this in his face. I mean, he knows that I was going to talk to him, but did you really have to tell him that I was with Edward all night?" My eyes roll at the thought of how angry Charlie is, knowing I was with Edward.

My mother rolls her eyes right back at me. If it weren't for the circumstances, I would have laughed. "Well of course not. What kind of dummy do you think I am? I didn't want him to do anything stupid. And I didn't want him interrupting your talk with Edward." She bites her bottom lip like I do when I'm nervous. "How did that go?"

Renee is right. There are no more secrets between us. And there is no more hiding either. I need someone to talk to and I'm not going to ever push her away again.

We move to the couch and I curl up beside her. She sits there patiently while I tell her everything that happened. I don't leave one thing out. When I begin to cry, she holds me and cries along with me. It is such a relief to have her here. I've missed her unconditional support and love more than I ever wanted to admit to myself.

When I am finished, she sits for a moment, seemingly deep in thought, contemplating everything I had told her.

"Just follow your heart. See where it leads you." She says it so simply, as if it is the easiest thing in the world for me to do.

I snort, a very unladylike sound showing my obvious contempt at the thought of what happened the last time I tried following my heart. "Yeah, look where that got me last time."

Renee drops her head for a moment taking a deep breath before bringing her eyes up to meet mine. The grief I see in her eyes causes a lump in my throat. "Things are different this time. You're different. And, Edward he's different, too. I knew that the moment I talked to him when he called looking for you after he found out about Charlotte. If I didn't believe that, I would never let him close to you again. You're both older and the circumstances aren't the same as before."

I nod. She is right, things are different. We are both older and mature. There are no drugs or alcohol involved or extenuating circumstances to stand between us. But that doesn't mean that our feelings have changed. All those years ago, I loved Edward with all my heart, but he didn't feel the same way towards me. And even now, I still love him. That is what makes this all so scary. After all these years, I doubt very seriously that his feelings towards me have changed. He can't love me the way I love him.

"What are you so scared of?" The incredulous look I give her makes her back pedal. "Okay. Forget I asked that. Stupid question," Renee mutters.

"Listen to me for a minute," she pleads, turning towards me. "I know that you're scared. You have every right to be. The one and only time that you put your heart out there and admitted your true feelings, it shattered you and broke your heart. Not only did you lose one of your best friends, but you lost the boy you loved and the hope of love. And unrequited love hurts the most. No wonder you did everything you could to keep from getting hurt again."

"You became so close so fast," she whispers softly. "I could see the bond that the two of you shared. Even though you were so young, it was so intense and all consuming. You're friendship was very deep and powerful, considering how young you were and the short time you knew each other. With all of that, it was no surprise to me that you fell in love with him the way you did. You were both so in sync with each other. Instead of encouraging your relationship, I should have told you to slow down. But watching the two of you together, it just seemed right and you were so good for each other. Unfortunately Edward was blinded by his infatuation for Charlotte. But he loved you too. I could see it in his eyes even if he didn't know it. I'd never seen you so happy, and I know Edward was too. Even though it didn't seem like it at the time, you were a good influence on him. And he brought you out of your shell. You were so painfully shy," she murmurs, stroking her finger down my cheek.

She is right on so many levels. I was shy and alone, scared to open myself up to anyone. And with Edward, and Charlotte, it was so easy to just be. I was so happy then. Even with everything else that was mixed up in our lives during that time. They opened up the world for me and showed me how bright and beautiful it could be.

Everything she has said so far reminds me of how optimistic she always is, just as she was when I was younger. It was part of her free spirited nature. Forgive and forget and let love conquer all. It didn't work that way for me. And when I couldn't move past the hurt, it was part of what drove a wedge between us. I was angry and I held a tremendous grudge against everyone because I felt like they were against me.

And though all of it is true, none of these revelations help me to know what to do now. "Mom, I just don't know where we go from here," I admit shakily.

"Unfortunately, everything in life is about taking chances. Just because you took the chance once, and it failed, doesn't mean you can stop taking chances. If you want a friendship with Edward, then that's what you're going to have to do, is take a chance. Just remember, things are different now. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"I've missed you so much, Mom," I sob, wrapping my arms around her. At this moment I don't feel the strength that she thinks I have. "I can't believe I've messed things up so badly in my life. But, I'm going to fix it."

"I just want you to be happy," Renee answers tearfully, hugging me tightly against her. "You've been given a second chance. Take it. I'll be here for you and help you anyway I can."

That is all I want. To be happy again and feel like I am living my life instead of just passing through. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am being given a second chance with Edward. If being with Edward will make me happy like it did all those years ago, then it is a chance I am going to have to take. Everything in me is telling me that this is the right way to go, so I'm going to do what my mother says and follow my heart.

**A/N: Their starting to move forward. What do you think? Please review and let me know what you think. **

**Did you see Breaking Dawn? I loved it! How about you?**

**Have any of you been reading the Countdown to 2012 Farwell to 2011 hosted by Breath-of-twilight? It's really awesome with all the different one shots and the collaboration for Halloween and Christmas. I've posted my entries on my website, but you should really go read the rest. Tawelephant has some awesome one shots she has written for The 80's contest. There hot and sweet so go on her profile and check them out.**

**I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. **

**Have a Happy New Year!**

**~freakybella~**


	19. Tonight

**Remember me?**

**I can give you all the excuses in the world as to why I haven't updated sooner, but it doesn't change anything. I suck, I know.**

**Thank you tawelephant for fixing my mistakes! She's all kinds of awesome!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of the characters, but this story and plot are mine. **

Chapter 19: Tonight

~Edward~

It's been two weeks since I've seen her. Two weeks since I've touched her or held her in my arms. Two weeks since I was granted her smile, one that I haven't seen in more years than I like to remember. And one that brought back more memories than I liked to admit too, good and bad.

Two weeks isn't really long in the grand scheme of things. We had gone for almost fourteen years without seeing, or so much as talking to each other. Then, after the funeral, we went for a couple of months before we talked again.

No, two weeks isn't really that long. But at this moment, it has seemed like forever.

_Where is she?_

We have talked or texted each other almost every day in the past two weeks. The Sunday morning after spending most of the weekend with her talking and figuring out where we went from here, I texted her to make sure she was okay. I could have called, but in the end, I thought that I would give her some space and just text her to let her know I was thinking about her and wanted to make sure she was okay.

I didn't have to wait long for a response. She texted me back quickly, letting me know that she was fine and even asked if I was okay.

Was I okay? Am I okay? Yes. In fact, I feel better than I have in years. Lighter, if possible, if that even makes any sense. The heaviness that I drug around with me because of my past doesn't feel near as heavy anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, Bella wouldn't be the only one who will come out of this feeling better. All of the worry and guilt that I have carried around with me all these years over how I treated Bella and everyone else that was in my life at that time seemed to seep away after talking with Bella. I truly hoped it helped her as much as it helped me.

"Edward," Jasper calls to me from across the stage. "You ready for a sound check?"

Oh, yeah, I'm playing tonight, while Bella is here. Hopefully I won't puke out my guts as nervous as I am.

When I asked her to come watch me play, I was so shocked by the fact that she accepted that I didn't even tell her what kind of instrument I played.

She finally asked me one night while we were texting back and forth. She was truly surprised when I told her that I played the guitar and sometimes played the piano. I wasn't as good at the piano, but I was almost twenty when I started to learn.

Playing the guitar was something I picked up when I came here. Music was, and is something that I could always relate to. Talking with Jasper when I first got here, made me realize what an important part music was in all of our lives. He started the music program for that reason. He said that it would help give all the kids here something to do and allow us to express ourselves in a productive way.

Jasper's brother Garrett played the drums and his dad played the piano and they came to the farm twice a week to teach whoever was interested how to play. When Jasper asked me to help, I told him that I didn't know anything about music. He said it didn't matter, he would teach me whatever I wanted to know. Not only did he teach me how to play the guitar, he taught me how to let myself go with the music.

Because the kids enjoyed learning and playing so much, Jasper started a music night two nights a month. All the kids were allowed to play to show off what they accomplished. The parents and other family members were invited so the kids could show them what they had learned. It was a great way for everyone to join in.

After the sound check, I can't stand it anymore and go outside to watch for her. Jasper has already called me out on how nervous I am acting, but he said he understood and calmed me as only he could.

As I wait, I pace up and down the sidewalk, impatient as hell for her to arrive. The sky is darker than normal because of the storm moving in, giving me the impression that it is much later than I believe. When I look down at my watch for what seems like the thousandth time, I see that it is still early and I'm just worrying for nothing.

Finally I see a set of headlights beaming through the dark, and then the bright, yellow blinker light signaling the car is turning into the parking lot. When I see that it's her car, my stomach does a little flip in excitement. I know, I feel the same way, if I was able to flip, I would.

My body's reaction to seeing her is foreign to me. In the past, when I would see her, I would always feel content and happy to be around her. But now, this is different and not in a bad way. I've just never felt this way before.

Once she parks the car, she sits for a minute and I watch as she grips the steering wheel tight. She looks as nervous as I feel. I watch as that steely resolve settles over her features as it did that night she came to my house and she steps out with her head held high.

She's dressed much like she did when we were younger, a black hoodie, faded jeans with holes and a pair of Converse shoes. The image makes me smile. It's not how most girls liked to dress, but it is exactly what I remember Bella would wear. It's her and its perfect.

The moment she sees me, she smiles and my stomach is doing a full acrobatic routine now. "You came," I breathe in a relieved sigh.

She blushes and looks shyly down to her shoes, her hair falling forward hiding her beautiful face from me. That won't do. No, that won't do at all.

Reaching out, I take one finger and tuck her hair behind her ear. Tiny sparks shoot up my arm when I touch her. Her eyes meet mine, deep chocolate orbs looking up at me with so many questions swirling around through them.

I know exactly how she feels. I have so many questions myself. One of the most important questions of all, is do I deserve her after all that I've done? I may not, but she deserves better from me than how I treated her in the past. If I have to, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her.

She takes a deep breath and her smile reaches her eyes. It's an image that I file away to keep. "Yes…I said that I would."

"Yes you did," I gush almost giddy. "And I'm so glad that you're here. Please, come in and let me show you around." I guide her forward with my hand at the small of her back. Even though the hoodie is thick, I can still feel the heat from her body radiating out against my finger tips.

Each time I walk into the music building, my chest swells with pride at the thought of all the time and hard work I helped put into the construction. Jasper had a wonderful idea when he started the music program. Between the kids being able to help with the construction of the building and then using it for what they built if for, it has had amazing results in more ways than one.

"Wow," Bella murmurs quietly, "this is great." Her eyes are darting around to all the different areas of the room. The entire end of the building is comprised of a stage, with a small area for dancing in front and then tables **set** around the floor for people to sit and listen. At the other end, there is a serving area, where on music nights, some of the kids will sell homemade cookies and serve cokes. It may look like a bar, but of course there is no alcohol here.

"I love it," I answer sincerely. "Of all the things we built on the farm, this has been the best thing for everyone involved."

Bella turns to me with wide eyes and her mouth gaping open. She doesn't know the whole story of the farm. "Come, sit down with me for a minute and let me explain." She nods, seemingly at a loss for words.

I lead her over to a table over to the side but close to the stage. Once we are seated, I start telling the story of how this all came to be. "Jasper had a brother named Peter. He died of leukemia when he was seventeen. Jasper, his older brother, Garrett, and the rest of his family wanted to do something to honor his memory. Since Garrett was already a counselor at another drug rehabilitation center, he came up with the idea of having a home for troubled kids on a farm. The whole idea was for the kids to work on the farm, whether working in the garden or helping with construction of some of the buildings, anything so that they would learn to have a constructive outlet for their frustrations. Jasper's grandparents donated the land, and they built the meeting house and dining hall and sleeping quarters which housed thirty kids to start."

Bella sat silently listening to every word.

"At first, some of the neighbors objected, but with Jasper's persuasion, they stopped trying to halt the construction. Once the farm started, it was a success in more ways than one. Jasper always gave back to the community and he encouraged the kids to volunteer for different projects around the county. The kids attended the local school and some of the teachers there came and volunteered at the farm. The town began to realize that the kids weren't bad, just misdirected and needed guidance and something to focus on besides drugs and alcohol."

"I can see why you love it so much," she murmurs after absorbing everything I told her. "Maybe sometime, you can show me the rest of the place," Bella asks quietly.

"I would love too." I want nothing more than to show her my life now and how I became the person that I have become.

I see Jasper making his way over with a huge smile on his face and I know he is coming over to meet Bella. Before I can even think of what to say to warn her, he sits down at the table with us.

"Hello, Bella. I'm so glad you came," Jasper introduces himself before I have the chance. Bella looks surprised that he knows her name. If she only knew that I have never talked about another girl besides her. "Sorry, my name is Jasper. I'm Edward's brother in law."

Bella stiffens slightly when she hears his name. She knows that Jasper is Alice's husband because of the conversations that we've had. She overcomes it quickly and nods. "It's nice to meet you. You have a wonderful place here. From what Edward has told me and from what I've read on your website, you are doing an amazing thing for these kids."

It surprises me that she has taken the time to look up the farm and do research on it. It also makes me very happy that she did.

I can tell that this makes Jasper happy as well and his face beams at her compliment. "Thank you. This place is near and dear to my heart," Jasper drawls in his southern accent. "But most important, I love working with the kids. They're really great."

Garrett goes up to the stage and announces that the first set is about to begin. Jasper stands to go and turns to Bella. "It was very nice to meet you Bella. I really hope to see you again," he implores ardently, taking her hand in his and squeezing gently. Jasper was never one to hide how he feels and believes touching is a way to show someone that they mean what they say.

Bella blushes, smiling shyly at his affectionate gesture. If he weren't my brother in law, I might be jealous of him touching Bella that way.

"You coming, Edward?" Oh yeah, I'm playing. I keep forgetting.

"Yeah, I'll be right up." Jasper nods at me and Bella, then darts through the crowd saying hello and shaking hands with people as he goes. I've always been envious at how easy he is with people.

"He's really nice," Bella whispers quietly. She sounds surprised. I'm sure it has to do with how she remembers Alice. That is a subject that I'm not thrilled to discuss with Bella even if Alice and I have mended our relationship with each other. I know that Bella was truly hurt by Alice and I can't say that I blame Bella for feeling the way she does. After I found out what Alice said to Bella I was very angry with her over it.

"He is. I can't imagine where I would be without him. Not only did he save me from myself, he is my friend." I hear the conviction in my words and so does Bella.

"I'm glad you found someone to help you." Her words are a mixture of sadness and relief. Her eyes fill with tears, but she quickly blinks them away. I want to beg her to tell me what she is thinking, but I think I already know. She is relieved that I finally found the help I needed but sad it wasn't her.

The truth is I'm sad it wasn't her too.

I want to stay with her and tell her how I feel, but I have to go up on stage. "Don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be back shortly. One of the kids will come around and get you anything you want." I tuck her hair behind her ear before taking off to the stage.

When I reach the stage, Jasper gives me a questioning look. "How's it going?"

I let out a deep breath. "It's going good. She's here and hasn't run yet. So, I think we're okay."

Jasper nods. "Just give her time."

I smile back in response. "I'll give her all the time in the world."

Jasper smirks at me then turns to Garrett to ask him if he is ready to start.

Hopefully my song choices tonight won't make Bella uncomfortable. I hope she doesn't freak out and run away.

Jasper's opening notes break me out of my thoughts and I start to play. All I can do is stare at Bella as the notes and sounds fill the room.

The words flow freely with the music. It was tough deciding on what to play tonight. Sometimes I wish I could write my own music, but I'm just not that talented. It's hard enough to express myself sometimes, much less put it to paper.

_Now, I'm sorry that I left you,_

_I can't go back, I can't change anything,_

_I'm sorry that I said so long,_

_I never meant to hurt you._

_Sorry I waited so long_

_Sorry I waited so long_

_If I could do this all over_

_I'd want to go back, I'd want to go back_

_If I could only start over_

_I'd take it all back, _

_I'd take it all back for you_

_I'd take it all back for you_

Bella sits, gazing up at me, mesmerized at what she sees and hears. My voice carries out through the speakers and I hope that she hears more than just the sound. I want her to know me. I want us to know each other again. I want to learn everything there is about her and get her to trust me. It may be a long shot, but something I'm willing to work hard at.

As soon as the first song ends, before the cheering and clapping subsides, we segue into the next song. We are only the opening act. The kids are the ones that we want up front and center. The only reason we play first is to get the kids pumped up and to break the ice for them so to speak.

Once the last song is over, I shake hands with Jasper and Garrett, quickly making my way back to Bella. I am anxious to be close to her again and to see what she thinks of my playing.

Bella shakes her head back and forth at me as I sit down. I'm not sure if that is a good sign or not. "Well? What did you think?" I whisper.

"What do I think?" She murmurs softly. "I think you were amazing."

I don't think I've blushed in years, but at her compliment, I can feel the heat spreading across my cheeks. Her admission seems to have embarrassed her too and she blushes as well. The way her cheeks are tinged with pink is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

And I don't really know where that came from. All I do know is that I have this overwhelming need to touch her.

"Hey! What's up doc?" Seth, one of the kids who is a resident here, takes a chair, turns it around backwards and sits down breaking the bubble that Bella and I were in.

"Seth, I told you not to call me that." I chide gently. I am far from being a doctor.

He laughs in that booming voice of his that rattles windows. "I know Edward. I just like messing with you." His eyes dart back and forth between me and Bella. I know the questions are about to begin. "Who's your lady friend, Edward? Hmm?" He asks waggling his eyebrows at me. If I didn't love this kid so much, I would drag him out by his ears for embarrassing Bella.

Bella of course is watching and listening with rapt attention. I can tell she is more than curious about our interaction.

"Seth, please meet Bella. Bella, this is Seth." I wave my hand between them.

"Well, hello Bella." Seth responds, drawing her name out. If he wasn't just a kid, I would be jealous and certainly be dragging him out by more than just his ears.

Bella giggles at his smarmy attempt to woo her. Seth seems to be the only one who doesn't realize that he is only sixteen and Bella is twenty-nine. "It's nice to meet you, Seth."

"Okay, introductions are over. Seth, aren't you supposed to play soon." I give him my sternest look hoping he will realize that I want him to get lost.

"Yea, yea. Don't get your knickers in a twist old man. I'm just trying to have a talk with the lady." He leans over towards Bella and mock whispers, "We don't get much action around here."

At that Bella laughs so loud that I think I'm hearing things. She seems to realize it too and covers her mouth with her hand only to snort out through her nose. Her eyes widen comically and I can't help but to burst out laughing with her.

For a moment I worry I've offended her, but she continues to laugh and I laugh right along with her. Laughing with her is the most wonderful feeling.

Seth on the other hand shakes his head at us and gets up, moving towards the stage mumbling something about old people along the way.

Bella's laughing finally subsides. "I hope I didn't offend him. Or you, for that matter. That was the funniest thing I have seen or heard in a long time."

I smile at her, my heart and chest swelling with something that I can't explain. "Nah, Seth is a good kid. His only problem was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. His parents gave him a choice, military school or here. He chose here."

"I understand." Unfortunately, she understands all to well. Her thoughts don't seem to damper the moment and I am glad. We both are going to have to learn to not let ourselves be dragged down by our memories.

Seth and his group start to play. His music is lively, but not overly so and something you can dance to.

"Would you…I mean…would you like to dance…with me?" My words come out jumbled because I am so nervous asking Bella to dance with me for the first time in my life.

She looks surprised at my request, but nods shyly. I stand, taking her hand in mine, pulling her to her feet and to the dance floor.

There are a few parents that are swaying to the music and some of the counselors that live here on the farm dancing as well.

I turn Bella to face me and I am momentarily lost as to what to do. I finally take her hand that I am holding and place it against my heart. With my other hand, my fingers grasp her around her hip and pull her towards me.

We are close, but yet separated slightly by our hands intertwined between us.

I think it is a good start and nothing that would seem too presumptuous. I don't want to do anything that might scare her away.

We move together easily. It's strange that we seem to do so considering that we've never danced together before. Neither of us steps on each others toes or misses a step. It's really kind of awesome.

At one point, I lean forward resting my chin on top of her head. She takes a shaky breath, then contently sighs, the air blowing out against my chest. Her breath is sweet and hot, warming me in a way I never thought possible.

Everything around us seems to fade away while she is in my arms. I have never felt so content in my life. I berate myself for not seeing what had been right in front of me all those years ago.

When the next band starts, their music is more grunge sounding and not something you can dance to unless you like being in mosh pit.

I guide Bella through the crowd with my hand on the small of her back. As we sit down, she begins to yawn.

"You're tired." I state.

"Yea, I stayed up late last night with Renee." She laughs lightly. "We now have a movie night once a week. Last night, it was The Hangover. Then we watched the second one right after that because Charlie was at a friends playing poker."

"Come on then, I'll walk you out." I don't want her to leave, but I don't want her driving while she is sleepy either. Instinctively, I grab her hand and lead her through the crowd. It is not lost on me how well her hand fits in mine.

"Thank you so much for coming." I lean over and whisper in her ear as we near the door.

"I had fun, hanging out." She looks up at me and smiles. There goes the acrobatics routine in my stomach again.

As we walk out the door, my throat tightens with fear because of the storm that is moving in and I'm worried about her driving in it. Out in the distance, you can see the sky flickering from the lightning as the thunder booms like cannons.

The rain begins to fall softly as the storm slowly rolls in. The lights on the outside of the building are casting a glow around us. When I turn to Bella my heart thumps in my chest at the sight of her. Her skin is glistening from the rain and with the light shining behind her she is glowing.

I reach out and tuck her hair behind ear, the wet tendrils silky to the touch. Slowly, I lean in and place a kiss on her cheek. My lips linger and I inhale deeply, the scent of rain and Bella mixed together filling me and all my empty spaces within. Her skin is warm and wet from the rain against my lips, and when I pull away, I lick my lips tasting her there.

Bella gasps softly looking at my lips then up at me with wide eyes filled with surprise.

I don't know what came over me. Bella and I are trying hard just to find each other again and I do this. I hope I didn't fuck things up, but I just couldn't help myself. Right now, I have to do the right thing and let this be on her terms.

"Be safe, Bella," I whisper to her, taking her hand in mine. I want nothing more than to pull her in my arms and hold her to me, but I can't and I won't. She nods, seemingly in a daze and turns, darting away through the rain to her car.

It's raining hard when she drives off, but I stand here watching her until her tail lights disappear into the night.

Now that she is gone, I have this empty feeling well up inside me. If the emptiness I am feeling now is anything like the way she felt, I can see why she was so angry with me.

Is this the way it felt for her? Did she worry for me like this each time I walked away from her? Was a part of her missing when I was gone? If she worried for me like this every day we were apart, no wonder it tore her to pieces.

And the fact that she loved me only makes what I did to her so much worse. A lifetime will not be long enough to make up for the way I treated her.

The thought of being separated from her for long is almost more than I can bear. I don't like the idea of her being away from me and I wonder how long it will be before I can see her again.

I know there is no way I'll wait as long as I did last time.

_I feel so alive tonight,_

_You got me feeling sublime,_

_I want to yell it from the rooftops down,_

_Until it's over, and we're older._

**1st song - Sorry by Art of Dying**

**2nd song - Tonight by Seether**

**There really is a farm for troubled kids close to my hometown.**

**Thank you Nicffwhisperer for recommending HFL for Fic of the Week at The Lemonade Stand. And thank you for those of you who voted for me. In the world of Fan Fiction, it's like being nominated for an Oscar…lol!**

**Please review!**


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